Dying With Dignity

I have started to consider vlogging. But until I can figure out how to make my videos work....
I am not dying, but my father is.
September 2014
Through treatment of a kidney stone, my father found out he had kidney cancer. An easy fix with a simple surgery.
January 2015
During a full body scan, necessary because of the kidney cancer, a second form of cancer was found in his lungs. Non-small cell lung cancer. This was not a mutated form of the kidney cancer, but a separate cancer entirely. When we found out, we joked with him that maybe he should go to Vegas and play the lottery since his chances were phenomenal.
Surgery was scheduled for removal of the kidney cancer and the spot of lung cancer.
2015 - 2016
Though my father was somewhat tired, he responded remarkably well to surgery and the chemo and radiation that followed. Chemo and radiation were needed because the lung cancer reacted to the air and spots appeared all over his lungs. His breathing was more labored, but otherwise he was a picture of health.
April 2016
The lung cancer was back and treatments of pills began. Again, though tired, he was up and moving and in otherwise good health. The doctors predicted he had a few years left.
August 2016
He was going home from work one day and stopped at Wal-Mart to pick up some prescriptions, which likely saved his life. He collapsed in the store and awoke to a stranger cradling his head. Had he driven home, he might have ended up in a car accident. An MRI revealed too many lesions in his head to count.
After much discussion, my parents decided to move forward with radiation to the head. This treatment was to continue for two weeks.
Around this time my father's appetite and desire to consume any food at all dropped off. He ate only because and when my mother insisted. Which was a sign of approaching death. The body knows it is dying and it shuts down the less important life systems. At the end of his radiation treatment, my husband and I came to visit. My father was deeply depressed and in a very dark place. He had contemplated suicide as far as knowing how he would go, but knew that would be unfair for my mother. It was heartbreaking to see him so despondent. But no one could fault him, was it due to the concoction of chemicals being pumped through his system? Was it the many lesions pressing on who knows what part of the brain? Was it just the knowledge of what he was going through? It was hard to tell. That was three weeks ago.
September 26, 2016
At night, after my father knelt in prayer, he could not stand up and my mother could not get him up. After 45 minutes of trying, she called a friend to help her.
September 27, 2016
She called her doctors and was told to bring him into the ER, because it wasn't the radiation that had weakened him so much. Though I can't deny that doctors do much for us, I also find my biases mainly against them, for reasons like the following.
Once in the hospital the medical staff honed in on the fact that my father was depressed and they told my mother that they would like to put him in a psych hospital in Vegas or Tucson. How foolish! My mother was furious and abjectly refused. The social worker told her that after watching her interact with him he knew that wasn't the problem. They continued to look for solutions.
September 29, 2016
Someone on the ER staff decided to release my father back into my mother's care. She was irritated with the lack of care as he had become incontinent and was lying in his own urine for who knows how long. She again had to call on the help of a friend to get my father from the car into the house.
September 30, 2016
My mother was able to get my father cleaned and showered. He told her that he had to use the toilet. After standing in front of it for quite a while, he started to wobble. Then he fell, smacking his head on the closet behind him and sliding to the floor with his legs straddling the toilet. My mom lost control at that point and had to go to another room to sob uncontrollably, knowing that she would not be able to get him up without help. After she had regained control, she called her fireman friend to assist her once more.
They returned to the ER, refused the mandatory tests on admittance, and met with the doctor who had admitted them previously. The doctor informed her that he was surprised to find my parents had left. He did not believe my father would leave the hospital at all.
That evening my parents were told that it was likely over, there must be cancer cells in the spine, and they would be released to hospice care. A total and enveloping peace surrounded them. They knew this was right.
A later MRI showed there were no cancer cells in the spine. My parent were told my father might yet live another year or two. Confusion and pain settled on my parents. A series of tests jerked my parents back and forth as each day they were told something different. When they were told it was over, peace settled on them. When they were told it wasn't, confusion and turmoil enveloped them.
October 5, 2016
Their radiology oncologist returned from his 10 day vacation and ordered an MRI of the lumbar region of the spine. It revealed the spine wrapped in a mass of tumors. No wonder my father couldn't always stand. No wonder he was weak. My mother was taken aside and told they could no longer do anything for Dad, only to him. She felt peace once more enshroud her.
October 6, 2016
My father was released home to hospice in the care of my mother. Myself and two of my brothers traveled home, they for the weekend, and I until my mother no longer needed me. Hospice means that you are sent home to allow nature to take its course. No more pick lines, saline drips or hospital machines keeping you alive. There are medications to ease your pain and your passing.
And now
As I write, my father is on the last stage of his life. He hasn't eaten in 10 days, he hasn't had any liquids since Monday, his breathing is ragged, and he no longer responds to touch. He may last minutes, or hours, or, quite possibly, days. We just don't know his timing.
This experience of helping my mother care for him has been sacred and beautiful. To care for someone who has cared for me my entire life is truly humbling. I have never felt more love for my parents than I do at this moment.  Our nurse asked me Tuesday if my father is still teaching me, if he is teaching me to die with dignity?
Yes. He has been so calm through this whole process. He does everything he can to assist my mother and myself in caring for him. It isn't much, but it's all he has. He is dying with dignity, just as he lived with dignity. We did not always get along, but as I grew older I learned to appreciate all that my father has given me, all he has taught me. And in this time, so many are coming to visit or calling my mother to tell her how much they love my father.
That man truly lived and truly loved.

Going Home

I never thought I'd be back in the position where I would return home to live again. Not to my parent's house, but back to my home town. It's going to be strange moving back and knowing that I will be living there for a little while on the way to my ultimate goal. A few close friends are worried about the move, they worry about the social life that waits me there.
Maybe I should worry too, but I don't. I feel very deeply and strongly that this move is right. I will be where I need to be and I am excited to start this new trail in my life. It's going to be great!
The thing is, I believe I know what lies ahead of me and it isn't the bleak picture my friends believe it to be. It is a beautiful picture. I trust the Lord, I know he has great plans for me and they don't include a bleak future I need to despair of. The future is bright and beautiful because my Savior is at the helm.
I'm going home!

One Step Enough For Me

Lead, kindly Light, amid the encircling gloom; lead thou me on! The night is dark and I am far from home; Lead thou me on! Keep thou my feet; I don't ask to see the distant scene - one step enough for me.
~John Henry Newman
One step enough for me. Once that would have terrified me and I would have fought tooth and nail to see and know. But now, I trust. And I do, I do trust, wholly and completely. The Lord does lead me one step at a time. He give me just enough light to see the step I need to take, so I prepare to take that step. Sometimes before I even make the step, he sheds light on a step just slightly to the left or right of that step. Sometimes I actually make it to that step. Then, once I have taken the step he's shown me, he shows me the next step. I used to pray that he would illuminate the entire path for me. He did, and I felt trapped. I didn't want that path, I didn't make sense and it was confusing and wrong. But I had asked, so I learned to accept it. When I finally accepted it, he gently took me by the hand and should me one step on a different path. Still I asked to have the whole pathway illuminated, but the Lord is patient and wise. I had to be content with one step. I cried and begged and pleaded. Finally I humbled myself and trusted.
My mother always tells me that the Lord doesn't micromanage. I know he doesn't, and the Lord wants a people that don't have to be counseled in all things. But, I also know, that if we are paying attention, and listening for it, the small but significant choices we make can be guided. The Lord doesn't tell me what to eat or even tell me to read my scriptures every time I wake up. He has told me once, and if I want to prove myself to him I will doe as he asks me.
Sometimes I do ask for the answer over and over again because I just want to be sure I didn't get it wrong. Sometimes he is so patient and he tells me over and over. Sometimes he waits in silence for me to remember that I know the answer.
I could go on for hours. It sufficeth me to say, "One step enough for me." Lead thou me on.

General Conference

I sit here on my couch awaiting easily my favorite event every six months. GENERAL CONFERENCE!!!!!
I love the spirit I feel and the comfort I receive in sitting and listening to the prophets give us the word of the Lord. We are so blessed and so lucky to have a living prophet on the earth who teaches us the word of God and keeps us living a good and moral life. We are so blessed, the Lord loves his children. Why would He leave us to fend for ourselves? Why would miracles cease on the earth today? They won't, the Lord is very active in our lives and he always will be because He loves us. All of us.
Thank goodness for General Conference to remind me just how much the Lord loves his children on the Earth today.

Take That Lungs!

Yesterday I didn't feel like sitting around so I thought I would challenge myself a little. For those who don't know, every time I exercise in a way that involves my lungs, they go crazy. They hate being worked, there's a name for the laziness of my lungs, it's called exercise induced asthma. It's super fun!

This is also the main reason I don't run. Running is also the devil, so there's that too.

How others run:

How I run:

Haha, just kidding, it's more like this:

Now that I've summed that up,I hate it. I hate going hiking with others and having to say, "I'm... (wheeze, hack) ... fine... (pant, pant)... let's...(wheeze)...keep...hoo boy...going...(wheeze, pant, pant)." But, I love hiking. So today I decided I was going to hike Y mountain if it killed me. I took ample supplies: 3 granola bars, one bottle of water, one powerade, hand sanitizer (hey, you never know when you need that stuff), a lighter, tissues, my inhaler, and sunscreen (it let me down and I got burned anyway. Rude sunscreen, rude).

I set off and was immediately passed up by a posse of teenagers. Undaunted, I set my own pace and continued climbing.

If you haven't had the horrid and perverse pleasure of hiking the Y, the angle of the climb is pretty much 45 degrees at all times. It's great. My lungs and heart thought so too and got so excited that I had to stop far more times than I care to count to calm them down.

An hour after I started the 1.2 mi trip up I finally reached the bottom of the Y. The posse of teenagers sat at the top and got in the way of my picture taking. But I did manage to get some pictures! I felt like a boss.

I had to work really hard to contain my excitement...

But I made it up, so I was proud of that.

The beautiful view and a member of the posse

On the way out I realized the gate said, BYU. Neat, huh?

That's right! Conquered that mountain like a boss. An hour up, and 15 minutes back down. Without any help from my inhaler!

How to Save the World?

I wish I knew. My roommate has been having a rough go of life. I want to take away her pain and her loneliness. But, I know my other rommie is right, she is now in a place where only she can help herself. And she will probably struggle for the rest of her life.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, life is a balancing act. Too much of anything is bad, moderation is good. Often, we human beings go from one extreme to the other and we can't seem to find the safe middle of the seesaw. We got on at one end and thunk to the ground. So, we get up and run to the other end only to be bucked off.

Some few of us immediately figure out that we need to stand in the middle to be safe from hurt. Most of us will go back to the other extreme, not as far though. And so we go from one end to the other, each time a little less farther out. Finally, we find the middle and, hopefully, stay there. Some of us just keep going from one extreme to the other trying to figure it out.
The Savior understands the seesaw differently. He invites other to come sit with him and enjoy the seesaw. He will often come sit with us and helps us figure out how to obtain balance with the skills we are given. He encourages us to invite others to join us. And we in turn help them find the balance in their own lives.

So many times I forget that happiness comes from helping others and focusing on their happiness. It's really funny, we can't be happy until we focus on helping others to be happy. The more we focus on ourselves, the more miserable and unhappy we become. Playing on a seesaw is less fun when you try on your own. You can't reach the full heights as you can when someone else plays with you.
I wish I could help her see this, but she is too buried in her pain and resigned to feeling nothing to avoid pain. I cannot bring her out. I just hope she will bring herself out soon and take joy in the beautiful things around her.

The Temple

O my friends. Those whose names and faces I know and those who I have yet to meet. Do everything you can to be worthy of and go to the temple. It is an incredible and beautiful place that fills you with peace and awe and love. I have never had a happier day than the day I went through the temple. That has my wedding day included. I have never been filled with so much love, joy, wonder, and peace. If you are not striving to live worthy of your covenants, fix it. You are never too far gone or lost that you cannot be redeemed and brought back into the loving arms of your Heavenly Father. The Gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true. Let it into your heart and let it change you into a better person. If you are thinking that you don't need to be changed, you are missing the entire purpose of your life on this earth. There will never be a time in your life where you cannot be changed to become better. Take advantage of that and enjoy it!

Going to the Temple

I am going through the temple. January 19th. This Saturday. I can't even express the incredible joy I feel for this upcoming event. It's like all of my life has come to this pinnacle. I just feel filled with joy and boundless happiness. I get so excited that I randomly shout, "10 Days!!!!!!" or "3 Days!!!!!" at random strangers then giggle delightedly to myself. I can hardly believe I'm going, it's like I'm in a dream. I can't concentrate on anything, and my very first grades are suffering a little. Oops. I know I will be fine after this weekend, but I just can't concentrate right now.

I am going to the temple. I have been waiting for this since I was a little girl, it has been more important to me than pretty much everything. I'm glad I am going just to go through and not to prepare for a mission or before getting married. It means I have time to reveal in the simple beauty and wonder of the temple itself. I am coming home. Home. It's where I belong.

Stories

I'm really glad my mother and I are so alike because we are anything but normal and it's nice to have an abnormal partner in my abnormalities.
The abnormality I'd like to talk about today is ... stories. Not the regular, sit down read a book story, but the story you make up on the spot after some small event that in your story could be hugely life changing. Like I said, hardly normal. It could be a look, or a phone call, or a text, or a simple phrase someone says or you would like someone to say, or a shoe, a book, a song, a hairstyle, an off-hand comment, an animal, a sunset, a full-moon, a half-moon, a quarter-moon, a new moon, a rude person, an over friendly person, a strange noise, a pleasant noise, an awful smell, a bland smell... I really could go on. I love to make up stories about my life that could possibly happen even if they don't. Not all the stories I make up are happy, but they all keep me highly entertained. Most are happy and almost all have me triumphing or being on top. I can be the kind of person I want to be in these stories, witty, clever, sweet, tough, capable, confident, kind, desirable, sharp, lucky, skilled. I guess that's what I love so much about writing stories. I don't think I've finished a 10th of the stories I write, but I love to capture a perfect moment in time. I write my destiny and other people do what I want them to in my stories.
But, I do love real life, wouldn't it be boring if you knew what was going to happen and when? I still write my destiny, but I always am interested in how other people shape it.

Easter

Renewal, rebirth, redemption, rejoicing, reliving, resurrection, remade, remembered, returned, reflection. All these I associate with Easter. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we like to focus more on the Atonement and Christ's Resurrection than on his death, which is why we don't wear crosses or have crosses on our churches. Our message is hope and love and second, third, fourth, and fortieth chances. Christ suffered for us, died, and lived again all that we might return to live with our Heavenly Father and be truly happy once more.

Nothing we can do is terrible that it cannot be washed away with the blood of the Lamb. No matter how far down the path we go, we can always turn back and climb upwards. The Lord has promised us this and He never breaks His promises. Who are we to question Him or deny His word? It is pride and foolishness that tell us we are the exceptions to His rules, that we are too broken for Him to fix us. If you put a limitation on yourself you put a limitation on the Lord's power. He has no limits on His power, there is NOTHING He cannot fix, and NO ONE He cannot save if they will turn to Him. We have to take that first step, but He will not leave us to walk alone, we will never walk alone.

I echo Elder Perry's sentiments that Jesus is the Christ. I know that the scriptures are true and they will lead us to true happiness. Test our words, read the Book of Mormon, pray to the Lord, what harm can it do? None, it can only bring great joy and happiness into your life as it has brought it into mine. The Lord loves you and is waiting for you to come unto Him and be perfected.

Promises

Broken promises hurt, both when I break them or others do. I don't like the feeling of having failed, or of being let down. But, I also know that I am human, and that others are human and I do not begrudge anyone their humanity. We all make mistakes and we all learn from them. Not everything is in our power. And that is the lesson that I have studiously been trying to not learn... and so God teaches me again and again.
But, here are a couple pictures of 2 promises that I know are true. And promises that will never be broken.

One: God and Christ love me. I will find it in my heart to love and be loved again, I do not know if the face will be familiar or new, but I will love again. Eventually, after I have healed enough. So I wear this ring as a promise to and reminder for myself.

Two: All of the promises in this book. We can find healing and true happiness in the arms of our Lord and through the guidance of the Holy Ghost if we will listen and be obedient. 

Three: The sun will always rise and bring a new day of promise. The sign before Christ's birth the day and the night were filled with light. Even when the American continent was covered in darkness the sun rose and set. After the dark night there always comes a dawn.

A Rose

If you know how to handle a rose, you can get away pretty well off. You can enjoy the beauty and sweet fragrance without having to grab the tweezers or band aids. If you don't, you will get hurt and maybe decide that a rose is better admired from a far. Dealing with the thorns can be time consuming as you carefully remove them so the rose is not so offensive, but in the end it is worth it.
     I have noticed the same is often true with people too. It just takes time and patience and knowing that while you may be poked by a thorn, the end of your efforts is very much worth the effort.

Healing

Everyone wants to be healed and whole and happy. It is the deepest human desire and one that is often challenged and pushed aside when aches and pains rear their heads. Sometimes we try to heal ourselves, and for the little hurts, it works, but sometimes it's like putting a band-aid on a broken heart. We can only do so much for ourselves before we are overwhelmed and turn to despair. We can try to bury it, but it will never truly leave us alone and affects us even when we are unaware. We cannot and should not go through this life alone. God put us in families and gave us the desire to be loved and needed for a reason. He also gave us the beautiful tool of prayer. When all else fails, He will not, He will not. It is we that distance ourselves from Him, He will never turn away from us, never tell us we don't matter, never deny us His outstretched arms, never betray us, never do anything that is not for our good, and never allow us to be given more than we can handle.
He gives us angels in our families and in our lives around us, people to hold us in their arms when we need it most. Counsel to help us through our darkest times. Eyes to see what was so crucial for us that we could not see. Ears to listen when we need to tell our deepest desires. Love to comfort us and let us know that we are not worthless or hopeless or wrong. No matter what we do we can be whole again, no matter what we experience or what others do to us, we can be whole.
But the Lord will never take away our agency. We have to want to be whole, we have to come to others, to open up our vulnerability and let others know that we are not perfect. Which is almost silly because no one, save Christ alone, is perfect. "Everybody's got stuff." Trusting others is hard and frightening, but the peace and healing that comes from it is worth everything. The Atonement is real, all our pains can be swallowed up and we can be whole. Truly completely whole. All we have to do is let Him in, open our hearts and lean on others. That's why we are here, to lean on each other, everybody needs somebody.

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one,     not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God’s will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness…We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as a way in which they should break, so be it.What I know about love and believe about love and giving ones heart began in this. - C. S. Lewis

A Day of Judgment.

Not the day just a day, or week, or two months... and then some. People judge, it's what we do as a species and more often than not, we have to, how else are we going to survive? We need to judge what will harm us and what will make us better, what will make our lives harder and what will make them easier... (etc. you get and are very familiar with the point).
We judge... and then we make choices.
Some choices are easy, some are so easy it's pathetic. Some are harder and require effort and time. Some require so much more and are the hardest choices to make.
Some choices make us happy. Some choices make us and others happy. Some choices make others happy. Some choices make no one happy.
In the past two weeks, Bryan and I made a choice. On Friday December 16, 2011 we went to the county court and filed for divorce.
I know that others will judge us a great deal, and I wish it wasn't true, but I cannot stop that.
Bryan is a good man, and I regret nothing about our relationship. Could I have done more? Yes. Could he? Yes. Was it entirely the fault of either of us? No. We both shared in what has come about.
Our whole relationship was filled, and still is filled, with miracles. We met because I felt I needed to come home for the summer and fall in 2010. We met through a friend of Bryan's whom my father home taught and my father needed a companion one night. Throughout our whole relationship (the first 6 months being long distance) the Lord held us in the palm of his hand. The week before our wedding the weather waffled between spitting and pouring but never sunny until the day before. The clouds thinned and then on the day of our wedding, there was not a cloud in the sky. I woke up early to a beautiful and peaceful sunrise, it was like a little wedding gift from Heavenly Father.
As our marriage came to the last 7 weeks I have witnessed even more miracles from the Lord, many being that we had next to nothing to split, we had no debts collectively, I am not pregnant, it is happening now instead of four or five years down the road, there is no bitterness, resentment, or anger between us.
I, for my own part, have seen so many miracles as well. I have the gospel and the strength and comfort of my Heavenly Father, I have felt of His love and I know that He will always be with me. I do not regret marrying Bryan, but I am rather incredibly grateful that we did met and marry. I have wept and I allowed myself to realize that it's okay to weep. I have allowed myself to realize that it is okay to not be okay. I have felt the Lord's love for all those around me so much more keen than ever before. I was able to tolerate my family for 4 whole days at Christmas time and even drew comfort being among them.
I still love him and that will never change, no matter what happens.

Heaven and Hell

I'm convinced that God (please note) allows us to go through Hell so that we can truly appreciate the sweetness of Heaven that comes afterward. Heavenly Father is a god of order and rules that He too must follow or He would cease to be God. He cannot create evil, if He did then He would cease to be completely good as He is. He simply allows to be tossed about by evil, but He never abandons us. He allows us to be tempted and given trials and to take a sip from the gall of bitterness so that we understand how sweet the cup of mercy tastes. Nothing has ever tasted more sweet and brought me more peace than knowing that He is right next to me. In my trial I brought myself to Him and I could feel Him there, I could feel His love for me. And that is something I will never forget. I have been through Hell, and I have been held in my Father's arms in Heaven and Hell was worth it.

Colors

I am obsessed with colors. I love them. I think they are awesome and I'm so glad we have them! Out of curiosity I did a google search on each color and quite liked what I see.

Red, first color of the rainbow, often associated with love, anger, health and blood. I found lots of roses, hearts and shoes.

Orange, guess what I found? Oranges, lots and lots of oranges mixed with a few other things.

 I'm not sure what orange is commonly used for, health perhaps? cheerfulness, optimism. It is a mix between the vivid enticing red and the happy bright yellow.

Yellow, the next color is bright, full of hope, the color of sunshine and bright yellow flowers.

 

           

Green, the color of vitality and life. Of renewal and beauty, nature is filled with it. And so is commercialism.

Blue is a calming color that puts those who view it at ease and in a state of calm. It is also a color found a great deal in nature.

Purple, the last color of the rainbow (I know technically violet is). I'm not quite sure what purple signifies, perhaps great peace. It is often associated with royalty.

Brown, earthy. Grounded, sensible steady, strong. Sadly, the most common pictures were brown recluses. They are pretty gross. But I did find a couple good pictures.

Black, solid, deep, dispairing, void, dark. Perhaps though it is not all bad, it can be very beautiful, photo are very enticing when the colors have all been taken out.

White, unassuming, peace, purity, simplicity, innocence.

                                    

  

Since it is Thanksgiving, I thought I would share something I am grateful for. I love color and could not imagine a world without it. Happy Thanksgiving to you all.

People keep asking me how marriage life is treating me, it drives me nutz! Especially because most of the people asking me are/have been married. I want to say, "You know! You've been there! Why are you asking me?" Marriage is frustrating, hard, stressful, annoying, angering and the best choice I ever made in my life. I couldn't be happier even though every often I want to scream or cry. I have never loved another person as much as I love my husband and every time I do scream or cry it only intensifies my love for him. It's actually interesting how that works, the more you go through for the ones you love, the more you love them.
But love is more than the feelings you get when he walks in the room, or he holds your hand or kisses you ever so gently, or passionately. It's a choice and a feeling that feed off each other, the more you choose to love, the more the feeling grows, and the more the feeling grows the more you choose to love. And if you ever stop choosing to love, the feeling grows less until you remember that love is hard work. It is support when you really would rather do your own thing. It is knowing that he and you both have flaws that just might drive one another absolutely crazy, but that you are loved in spite of the those. It is being there when he is going through a hard time, just being there and letting him know the love you have has not, and will not ever, lessen. It is knowing that he will be there for you when you are in the darkest hour of need. It is knowing that you might have to sacrifice the movie you really want to see or the party you might right want to go to just so he knows that you would rather spend your days by his side.
And most importantly it is being open. Without open communication and trust marriage cannot work. He needs to know when you are upset, and when you are happy, how much it means to you, and why. You cannot hold onto those things that bother you and think they will go away, they don't. You also cannot blame him for everything, you are causing at least 50% of the problem (if not more!). He is trying too and you are doing things that bother him too. Trust him, open your heart to him, tell him your fears, joys, hopes, dreams, and wishes. Just sit and talk, or sit in silence and enjoy one another's company. Making him happy is (and should be if it's not) your number one focus, nothing matters more than your marriage. Nothing. Don't forget, he wants to make you happy too.
It's hard work at first, and may be (most likely will be) for the rest of your life. But it is so rewarding. I regret nothing and would do it all over if I had the choice.

The Wind and her Cries

Listening to the wind literally howl right outside my door this morning made me think about how people used to tell stories to explain nature, well, here's my simple attempt.

"Grandpa! Grandpa! Where are you?" he raced through the old large house desperate to find the wisest man in the whole world.
"I'm here Son. What's wrong?" As the old man stepped out of his bedroom the little boy felt relief sigh through him. All was right with the world when he was in those strong old arms. No one was better at making him feel protected than Grandpa and his parents. The child clung to him for a few minutes before explaining to him about the monster in his bedroom. It kept shrieking words that the boy couldn't understand and frightening him. The wise man followed back through the large house until they reached the room the little child was sleeping in. The wind whipped the trees into a frenzy outside and it's icy fingers searched for a crack in the window.
"That sound you hear is the wind searching for her long lost lover." His grandchild could feel a story forming behind that first sentence so he let Grandpa tuck him back into the large bed next to his favorite stuffed tiger. "Many years ago, back when God had first formed the world, there was a young girl more beautiful than any alive today (except your grandmother, no one is more beautiful than she). Wind was happy and danced every where, seeming lighter than the air we breathe. Then she met a handsome young man whose bright blue eyes melted her heart and made her happier than she'd ever been before, he was gentle and loving always striving to make her happy. The two fell in love from their very first meeting and from then on nothing could separate the two. They were both very happy for years and would have been so forever had young Sun not also been in love with the girl. He was very strong and had a magical power over her. She was drawn to him, but why she knew not. He could be gentle and sweet, but was more often harsh and unforgiving. She knew she loved the first young man more, but when she was around Sun, his power weakened her and eventually when she was in his presence she forgot her first love. Sun did all he could to keep Wind beside him because he knew when he left, she would run away with her true love. One night while Sun was sleeping, her true love came and stole Wind  away, trying to escape before Sun awoke. They almost made it away, but a servant woke him and warned him of the lovers flight. In his wrath Sun tracked them down and dueled the young man. Sun was strong, but the young man had a just cause and he gained the upper hand. About to deal the blow that would free the two lovers, he was turned aside by Wind. She plead for Sun's life and explained how much she loved him. Again under Sun's power Wind forgot her love and her heartlessness broke the young man's heart. With no reason to stay, the young man left. Wind never saw him again and she searches for him still. In the summer she dances and plays for the Sun, sweet and gentle, doing all he bids her. When clouds cover the Sun and in the winter Wind remembers her true love and races through the world trying to find the one who made her truly happy, wishing to tell him how wrong she was and how much she truly love him and none other.
"Don't be afraid of her cries, she doesn't wish to harm anyone, she is only crying for the one she loves. She tell him that she still loves him and hopes he will come back to her." 
Grandpa's voice faded in the darkness and he and the little boy sat in silence for a moment.
"I hope she finds him. Do you think she will?"
"I don't know Son. I believe in happy endings, I believe she will find her lover someday, but I don't know."
"She'll find him. Good always wins. Goodnight Grandpa, thanks for the story."
"Goodnight my boy. You are welcome. Sleep tight."
"And Grandpa,"
"Yes?"
"I'll never forget that I love you, no matter what."
"And I'll never forget how much I love you too. No matter what."

Magical

A short (but sweet) addition to the previous post.

I don't think I added a very important part to my post. The bouquet and garter toss! Well, Erin caught the bouquet and Evan, her boyfriend, caught the garter. I wonder if he didn't work it out on purpose... It is definitely something he would do... Anyway.

For all you doubters out there that believe it doesn't work. Exactly a week and a day from the reception I got a text from Erin telling me that Evan had proposed. MAGIC! It works!

Tell your friends.

9/10/11 12:00

Yes, we are that cool that we were married on 9-10-11-12! And the day was PERFECT!!!! From the Saturday (9/3/11) we arrived in New York to the Thursday two days before the wedding it rained constantly, alternating between pouring and drizzling, but it was basically constant. Then, Thursday night it cleared, Friday the sky was only half full of clouds that didn't rain, and Saturday was a cloudless beautiful.
Friday was the rehearsal at the golf course gazebo and as you can see it was pretty much the perfect setting. A gazebo amongst greenery with a lake in the background, what more could a girl ask for without actually being able to scout out sites?

Here we all are, you can't really see the lake, but no worries, it will show up later. The whole time we stood up there I was thinking, this is going to be a really nice wedding for someone, everyone looks so nice. It just didn't feel real to me. It was a little amusing I have to admit because it really was for me, it was real, and it was most definitely happening.

Here we are listening to speeches (I was really grateful I didn't have to give one, I'm terrible at speeches). One from my father and one from Bryan's. The adorable little guy you see down there is Bryan's (and now my) nephew, Chase. He is a little ball of energy, he makes all of us run around in circles and when one of us gets tired he makes someone else run with him.

The girls entering the limo the next morning. It was my first time riding a limo, I was very excited. I had to be the last in and last out though.

Bryan, Craig (Bryan's father), and me after the ceremony.

The whole bridal party. From left to right: Autumn (my matron of Honor), Kelli, Erin, Emily, Kelly (in back), Cate (in back), Me, Bryan, Brad (in back), Kurt, Brian, George (in back), Brett

My new sisters! Both of whom I love! Cate, me, Kelly

Me and my family. Seth, Mom, Dad, me, Bryan, Autumn, Derrick holding Edison, their son.

 

That says it all.

Isn't the cake beautiful!

Good ole cake smashing. :) He got it up my nose if you couldn't tell, gross. Yes, it certainly was.

Our first dance. "I have and I Always Will" by Dave Barnes

Father/Daughter dance. "Butterfly Kisses." Yes, we did both bawl our eyes out. The wedding wasn't really real to me until my father walked into the bridal room. Then it was suddenly real to me.

Love, love, love, love this picture!

Me and my girls all previous roommates. Erin, me, Kelli, Emily

I couldn't raise my arms as high as everyone else.

A yellow fuzzy worm that Kelli found and put on her bouquet. We're passing it from my bouquet to hers.

My first nephew, Edison Byron. Isn't he adorable? I thought so too. I had to be really careful though because he had been spitting up all day. Don't you just love babies?

Best day ever!!!!!!