Back Again

Yes, I know it's been over a year... Sorry about that. I just didn't feel that I needed it. Either that or I was too lazy. You can choose. :)

So, I will be doing a 10 detox starting Monday May 9th. I was going to go through this processes roughly two years ago with my mother and brother but didn't have the will power to do so. Now I do. This will be my detox journal because it will help motivate me to do what needs to be done.
The first thing to start with is answering the questions from the detox book.
1. Why am I doing this detox? What is my dream for my body and my life that this detox will make possible?
I am doing this detox to purge my body of the junk I've eaten over the years, to help me become more healthy and to stop fighting my body. I have had gas for a large portion of my life, once so painful I thought there was something seriously wrong with me and visited a few doctors only to find out it was gas. How embarrasing... So, I want to reset my body's health and find out what is adversely affecting me. I want more energy and strength and this detox will help my body re-calibrate and get onto a healthy and stronger track. And lastly, I want to get a healthy body so that I can be healthy and strong and provide the nutrients a baby may need. I'm not pregnant, but I would like to be soon.
2. What are 3 specific goals I have for these days?
Wake early, prep meals in the evenings, gain control over my desires to eat.
3. What are the top 3 things holding me back from losing weight?
My love of taste and consuming way too much when I find one I like. My aversion to exercise even though I know I feel better and even enjoy exercising. My lack of control over eating even when I'm not hungry because I am 1) bored, 2) reading, 3) watching Eliot/anyone eating... period.
4. What beliefs do I have that might hold me back?
I don't have time to prepare these meals.
5. What is my relationship with food and how would I like to nourish myself?
I love food, I want to eat it all the time, I love the way it tastes, I am addicted to the taste of food. I would like to nourish myself when I am hungry with good foods that won't upset my body, and I would like to eat controlled portions and not feel like I am missing out by not eating.
6. How does being overweight or sick diminish or detract from my happiness and my ability to fulfill my life's purpose?
I don't have a lot of energy when I don't eat properly and I get pains in my stomach, almost every day. It is distracting and depressing, I don't want to get out and interact with others and I don't feel happy. Poor Eliot is such a sport, but I want to treat my body better so that I can become an enegry filled being who isn't limited by poor choices.
7. How do I see my life changing by learning to properly nourish myself?
I see more laughter and energy, more service and joy. I see Eliot and me not being held back from adventures by my limitations. I see less worry about the pains I feel.
8. What positive experiences have I had in the past from eating well and nourishing properly.
My mother almost always had a healthy meal set on the table and I was full of energy and life in my childhood. I only started feeling the pains in high school when I took more food choices into my own hands. I remember having energy and feeling positive no matter what circumstances shaped me. I want to get back to that person I knew.

Ok, now to measurements. I am not starting until Monday, but I will start today by choosing my eating practices with more care. Stopping when I feel full and eating only when I feel it is necessary. And eating less junk and processed foods.
Measurements:
Weight: 155.4
Height: 5'8 1/2"
Waist: 37"
 Hips: 37 1/2"
Thigh Circumference: Left & Right - 27"

Exercise for day - 15 min yoga for beginners.

Feelings: I felt some minor abdominal pain today at varying times throughout the day. I over ate on snack foods and didn't eat a very healthy lunch. Mood was oppresive during the morning but I remembered that I have a choice on my mood and chose to be less somber through the rest of the day.

I will be prepping my mind and my pantry for the next few days but I will continue posting my measurements and how I am feeling.

Here we go! Wish me luck and strength.

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

Remember how I mentioned before that life is a paradox? Well, I have had it confirmed so many times it's a wonder we human believe we can make any sense of the world.

I just finished the book, "Falling to Heaven" by James Ferrell. If ever a more potent book was written, it would be the Book of Mormon. But this book (FTH), expounds and clarifies the Book of Mormon, for those of us whose hearts have not yet seen all the purity of the Book of Mormon.

Read it. It just may change your perspective, if you let it.

I was so disappointed when it was over, I kept flipping back and forth to see if I'd missed something.

Letting Go, Not As Easy As I'd Like.

I suppose we all have some obsessive compulsive leanings. There are certain things about our lives that we want to control. I didn't think I was that bad. And perhaps I am not, comparatively.
But I do want to control parts of my life. I don't like leaving it to chance.
But I'm not am I?
Perhaps throughout my blog, should you care to have followed it, you've seen hints and musings about my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Yes, I am a member of that church, affectionately referred to as Mormons. And being part of the church has changed me fundamentally.
The core purpose of the teachings of the church is to bring its members closer to their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And quite honestly that is the most important relationship any man can develop. If you are not working to gain a stronger closer relationship with your Savior, none of your other relationships will matter. I'm not saying that relationships don't matter, because they do. But they can't be what they could be with out that fundamental relationship, nor will they ultimately matter.
There is so much literature that encourages and teaches of the relationship one can develop with one's Savior. And it is my relationship with my Savior that has fundamentally changed me, undoubtedly and unarguably for the better.
Side track that will make sense when I tie it back in - the closer you, (ok, I) become in a relationship, the harder it is to trust that person fully and completely. Harder and easier simultaneously.
I don't know what it is about this life, but paradoxes are the only things that make sense. How's that for a paradox? You are welcome.
So, yes, easier because the person you relate to has shown you that he can be trusted. Harder because the deeper you delve into a relationship, the more tender parts of your person you share and trust the other with.
I trust my Savior, he has never, ever let me down. Not when I have worked and opened, truly opened, myself to his gentle guidance. But, here we go, but, I want to control my life. I want to know what is coming so I can prepare for it and batten the hatches if necessary. Doesn't everyone? Wouldn't life be so much easier if we knew everything that would happen. Would it? Easier maybe, but easier is never quite as bright and rewarding, don'tcha think?
I don't want an easy life, easy is boring but, not only is it boring, it also holds less meaning. If everything were handed to you, what would you gain? You'd have everything, but what would that mean anyway?
So, I'd know what is coming, but what cause would I have to hope? I wouldn't have the gift of surprise. Have you met someone who is never surprised? Not quite the most fun person in the world, am I right? Besides, you'd think I'd learn my lesson(s) from thinking I knew what the future held. I felt trapped and terrified, I looked for a way out of the future I was certain was coming. It was a burden I didn't need.
This post is longer than I thought it would be. Welcome to my thoughts, good luck finding your way out. Mwahaha.
So, why don't I relinquish my burden to the Savior and trust Him to guide my life as is necessary? He has before shown me that He will turn over the reins of my life if I ask for them. It didn't make me happier, it was actually a drudgery. So, why is it so painful every time I hand the reins back to Him?
I communed with my Savior yesterday as I sat in the temple. He reminded me that I was trying to control my life and my plans are not his. Much to my chagrin, and to a small part, my shame. So I bowed my head and handed the reins back over. It was terrifying. It still is. But, my illusion of control, though comforting, was just that, an illusion. I no more know what the future holds than I can flap my arms and fly. I have an idea and many hopes, but no certain knowledge. Not only was my illusion an illusion, but it was also very limiting. Because of that illusion I could not see other possibilities. No, none have sprung up yet, but I am not limited and blinded to them now, should they wish to appear.
Here's another paradox for you, Faith is juxtapose Fear, yes? Yes. Where faith exists fear cannot, and vice versa. Well, I find that I am still nervous when I think of the future and it's uncertainty. Nervous is fear in a very small portion right? Ok. Here's the kicker, Even though I'm nervous and that nervousness is in part because I am trusting my Savior, I have full faith in Him. That bit of fear I have is because of my faith. And I'd take that bit of fear over an illusion of control any day. Every time.
Perhaps it's not fear at all, maybe it's pain and humility reminding me that I have to rely on someone other than myself. But it is so freeing. And terrifying. Did I mention that it's still scary. But I have faith. And faith in someone I know will never lead me astray.
Whooo, ok. Now, I accept it wholly.
I'll check back with you on that.

Going Home

I never thought I'd be back in the position where I would return home to live again. Not to my parent's house, but back to my home town. It's going to be strange moving back and knowing that I will be living there for a little while on the way to my ultimate goal. A few close friends are worried about the move, they worry about the social life that waits me there.
Maybe I should worry too, but I don't. I feel very deeply and strongly that this move is right. I will be where I need to be and I am excited to start this new trail in my life. It's going to be great!
The thing is, I believe I know what lies ahead of me and it isn't the bleak picture my friends believe it to be. It is a beautiful picture. I trust the Lord, I know he has great plans for me and they don't include a bleak future I need to despair of. The future is bright and beautiful because my Savior is at the helm.
I'm going home!

One Step Enough For Me

Lead, kindly Light, amid the encircling gloom; lead thou me on! The night is dark and I am far from home; Lead thou me on! Keep thou my feet; I don't ask to see the distant scene - one step enough for me.
~John Henry Newman
One step enough for me. Once that would have terrified me and I would have fought tooth and nail to see and know. But now, I trust. And I do, I do trust, wholly and completely. The Lord does lead me one step at a time. He give me just enough light to see the step I need to take, so I prepare to take that step. Sometimes before I even make the step, he sheds light on a step just slightly to the left or right of that step. Sometimes I actually make it to that step. Then, once I have taken the step he's shown me, he shows me the next step. I used to pray that he would illuminate the entire path for me. He did, and I felt trapped. I didn't want that path, I didn't make sense and it was confusing and wrong. But I had asked, so I learned to accept it. When I finally accepted it, he gently took me by the hand and should me one step on a different path. Still I asked to have the whole pathway illuminated, but the Lord is patient and wise. I had to be content with one step. I cried and begged and pleaded. Finally I humbled myself and trusted.
My mother always tells me that the Lord doesn't micromanage. I know he doesn't, and the Lord wants a people that don't have to be counseled in all things. But, I also know, that if we are paying attention, and listening for it, the small but significant choices we make can be guided. The Lord doesn't tell me what to eat or even tell me to read my scriptures every time I wake up. He has told me once, and if I want to prove myself to him I will doe as he asks me.
Sometimes I do ask for the answer over and over again because I just want to be sure I didn't get it wrong. Sometimes he is so patient and he tells me over and over. Sometimes he waits in silence for me to remember that I know the answer.
I could go on for hours. It sufficeth me to say, "One step enough for me." Lead thou me on.