Livin On the EDGE

Actually, this post is probably more tame than you would think given the title. But I do live on the edge... The edge of Cutco Cutlery, finest in the world! I show Cutco, and I LOVE it! Many of you may remember that I was offered a job as an RV salesrep.

HA!

I couldn't do it.

Not only because I was on 100% commission (no, I didn't get 100% of the money off the sale), and I had very little to work with, and I was the ONLY young person (female too) on the whole lot, but because who the devil! wants to buy an RV??? I KNOW right?

So, now I work for Cutco. :) (insert enormous smiley face here) Selling ridiculously sharp, shiny, fantastic, strong, beautiful ka-nif-ees (knives phonetically). The best part is, I get paid just to do a demo! IIIII KNOW! That is the best part. :)

So yeah, I live on the edge!

Slippin and Flyin

Sometimes I find myself slippin.

I find my friends who live far away slippin through my hands and enjoyin simple things that I used to do with them. Which was fine when I was with them... but now?

I feel like my life is slippin out of control and spiralin... who knows where.

I feel my time slippin away.

I find myself slippin into obsession with minute details about inconsequential pieces of my life.

I find life movin on around me and slippin by. I sit on the bus of life and see people at stations that I would like to get off at, but I don't have the right ticket.

I find my self confidence slippin and pain and hurt slippin into my life.

I find my self wishing to slip into sleep, only to be disappointed as the beautiful dreams I once

had have slipped away, replaced by drab, frightening ones.

And it is in those moments that I realize how blessed I am that those things are slippin away. Cuz if they didn't, if those ropes didn't slip through my fingers, I would never have learned to fly.

If I held on fiercely to any of these ropes I wouldn't have the faith and push I need to fly.

If I held fiercely on to my friends in far away places I would miss the sparkling personalities here that need my example to fly too.

If I controlled every detail of my life, I wouldn't be where He needed me.

If I didn't learn to slow down and appreciate being

still

I couldn't see the profound peace that comes from it.

If I didn't focus on those details I would never have been able to appreciate the relief when I realized they just weren't that important.

If I didn't wish for the other stages of life I wouldn't have talked with others in those stages and looked back to realize I really like were I am. It's a time to grew and develop on my own.

If I hadn't lost my self confidence temporarily, I wouldn't have noticed others who needed to be built up more than I did. Sometimes losing self confidence isn't all bad.

If all I had was beautiful dreams, how could I appreciate them for the vibrancy and color, the details, and the happy contented feeling I wake up with?

Letting go of the rope that is slippin through your hands is sometimes the only way to fly.

Charity

For our family home evening this week our father shared a short but beautiful message with us, about Charity.

Whenever you are feeling lonely or hurt or afraid close your eyes and picture yourself in your favorite place. Now, picture the Savior sitting beside you. Can you feel his love for you? The feelings fade away as you picture your eldest brother sitting beside you don't they?

Charity is not a feeling or a thought, it is a state of being. When you have achieved this state, you can see others how the Savior sees them.

Short, simple, and powerful. Just like the rest of the gospel, that's the beauty of our religion.

Soul bearing

My mother does not enjoy blogging. She could almost see it as an online journal but, as she says people cannot tell the truth online. We present the side of ourselves that we want the world to see, we control how others see us.

Well, I will not lie, I hate revealing the deeper part of myself to others but I feel that I need to tonight.

I have never had a boyfriend. I've been on a few dates, once or twice a second date, I can count the boys on three fingers. Twice there has been a boy who would like to have had a stable relationship with me. I admit that I wanted one as well but I wasn't able to trust them. I don't easily trust people, especially when they like me. I hear very often that I am pretty and talented, and when I tell married people that I've never had a boyfriend, they ask if the boys are blind or stupid. I never had anyone like me in high school. False, one boy liked me in high school - he turned into a druggie, has been arrested multiple times and I'm fairly confident he dropped out of school...

I didn't realize it but I began to think there was something wrong with me. All of my friends had guys falling all over them. Every guy I'd ever liked was in love with my best friends. I was always the good friend that guys turned to for advice, never because they liked me. Or, if they did like me, they were to afraid to admit it because I was intimidating.

Cue my freshman year of college when the sweetest guy I've ever met asked me on a date and wanted to hangout with me. I connected instantly with him and I could see that he was most definitely interested in me. I was interested in him as well. I was fine with him liking me, until he told me. There is something inside of me that accepts being the best friend and never the girlfriend. But, when someone admits to liking me it scares me to death. What could he possibly see in me? There must be something wrong with him to make him like me. I had been through all that before and I told myself I was not going to be frightened off by his declaration. But, internally something shut off and I felt nothing toward him. It broke my heart and it wasn't until after I told him that I realized I had run away again.

I have a fierce desire to be loved, just like every other human being on the planet. I watch cute little love stories and cheer at the happy ending. I laugh and rejoice with my girls when they tell me about their dates and their happy romances. I look at boys and giggle when they look my way. I need that connection just like every other girl. But, I find myself ruining that connection out of fear and a past I thought I overcame.

I just hope that one day I will be able to overcome that. That I can find a man who will know and understand that it will be hard for me to trust and love him. But those who run from love are often those who need it most of all.

There you have it. The truth. Take it as you will.

Regimen

The day starts at five. (well, technically it starts at 00:00) The boys are up and getting ready for school and I can hear them in my bedroom. At six the family gets together to fortify ourselves against the day. Then begins the work.

Already today I have visited four stores, and filled out four applications. And I have practiced a hard song that I will be playing tonight that I received Sunday night. This may not sound like much but hey, it has taken me a while to begin it. Also it is only 12:00 pm. I still have many hours left in my day.

I will be honest. I missed the dirt and the slowly forming paradise that my mother is cultivating in the backyard. She's got a green thumb and a bucket of determination. That's what she says makes things grow in the desert.

Determination. Cuz the soil, well, isn't soil.

I can't count the years she has fought the desert to bring forth greenery. Our yard is a standing tribute to her work.

this tree was not this tall two years ago, it barely cleared the red strip.

It truly takes hard work to get these trees to grow.

earth boxes for keeping plants out of the clay

a danger lurks. Not really, that's my cat, she's worthless as a hunter.

a pretty little weed mom almost crushed with her foot.

The secret to success. Worm pop! and pee. That's right, get worms!