One Step Enough For Me

Lead, kindly Light, amid the encircling gloom; lead thou me on! The night is dark and I am far from home; Lead thou me on! Keep thou my feet; I don't ask to see the distant scene - one step enough for me.
~John Henry Newman
One step enough for me. Once that would have terrified me and I would have fought tooth and nail to see and know. But now, I trust. And I do, I do trust, wholly and completely. The Lord does lead me one step at a time. He give me just enough light to see the step I need to take, so I prepare to take that step. Sometimes before I even make the step, he sheds light on a step just slightly to the left or right of that step. Sometimes I actually make it to that step. Then, once I have taken the step he's shown me, he shows me the next step. I used to pray that he would illuminate the entire path for me. He did, and I felt trapped. I didn't want that path, I didn't make sense and it was confusing and wrong. But I had asked, so I learned to accept it. When I finally accepted it, he gently took me by the hand and should me one step on a different path. Still I asked to have the whole pathway illuminated, but the Lord is patient and wise. I had to be content with one step. I cried and begged and pleaded. Finally I humbled myself and trusted.
My mother always tells me that the Lord doesn't micromanage. I know he doesn't, and the Lord wants a people that don't have to be counseled in all things. But, I also know, that if we are paying attention, and listening for it, the small but significant choices we make can be guided. The Lord doesn't tell me what to eat or even tell me to read my scriptures every time I wake up. He has told me once, and if I want to prove myself to him I will doe as he asks me.
Sometimes I do ask for the answer over and over again because I just want to be sure I didn't get it wrong. Sometimes he is so patient and he tells me over and over. Sometimes he waits in silence for me to remember that I know the answer.
I could go on for hours. It sufficeth me to say, "One step enough for me." Lead thou me on.

General Conference

I sit here on my couch awaiting easily my favorite event every six months. GENERAL CONFERENCE!!!!!
I love the spirit I feel and the comfort I receive in sitting and listening to the prophets give us the word of the Lord. We are so blessed and so lucky to have a living prophet on the earth who teaches us the word of God and keeps us living a good and moral life. We are so blessed, the Lord loves his children. Why would He leave us to fend for ourselves? Why would miracles cease on the earth today? They won't, the Lord is very active in our lives and he always will be because He loves us. All of us.
Thank goodness for General Conference to remind me just how much the Lord loves his children on the Earth today.

Insecurities

When I tell people that I have self-confidence issues I usually get some sort of reaction like this:

Just cuz I fake it really well. Ok, fine, it's not that I fake it really well, it's that I have no self confidence when it comes to people. And by that I mean, I know my worth insofar as the Lord is concerned and so, for the most part, I don't really care what people think of me. That is, until I start caring about them. Then I care what they think about me and then I start worrying and picking apart everything I do and I realize I do a lot of dumb things that people might not like and what if they don't like me when they get to know me and how long do I wait until I'm sure that the other shoe won't drop because I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop even though I know that is irrational and I'm being a little silly and what if I don't tell him that I appreciate him enough because I do but I have this thing where I like to tease people because I don't want them knowing just how much I like them but what if they think I don't appreciate them or see them but what if I'm too honest.... It goes on and on and on. I hate it. 

Sigh, one of these days I'll stop being so insecure. But now I have a boyfriend, so it's full tilt. ONWARD INSECURITIES! DROWN HER! RUIN IT ALL!

Well, I refuse to let you. So there.

Take That Lungs!

Yesterday I didn't feel like sitting around so I thought I would challenge myself a little. For those who don't know, every time I exercise in a way that involves my lungs, they go crazy. They hate being worked, there's a name for the laziness of my lungs, it's called exercise induced asthma. It's super fun!

This is also the main reason I don't run. Running is also the devil, so there's that too.

How others run:

How I run:

Haha, just kidding, it's more like this:

Now that I've summed that up,I hate it. I hate going hiking with others and having to say, "I'm... (wheeze, hack) ... fine... (pant, pant)... let's...(wheeze)...keep...hoo boy...going...(wheeze, pant, pant)." But, I love hiking. So today I decided I was going to hike Y mountain if it killed me. I took ample supplies: 3 granola bars, one bottle of water, one powerade, hand sanitizer (hey, you never know when you need that stuff), a lighter, tissues, my inhaler, and sunscreen (it let me down and I got burned anyway. Rude sunscreen, rude).

I set off and was immediately passed up by a posse of teenagers. Undaunted, I set my own pace and continued climbing.

If you haven't had the horrid and perverse pleasure of hiking the Y, the angle of the climb is pretty much 45 degrees at all times. It's great. My lungs and heart thought so too and got so excited that I had to stop far more times than I care to count to calm them down.

An hour after I started the 1.2 mi trip up I finally reached the bottom of the Y. The posse of teenagers sat at the top and got in the way of my picture taking. But I did manage to get some pictures! I felt like a boss.

I had to work really hard to contain my excitement...

But I made it up, so I was proud of that.

The beautiful view and a member of the posse

On the way out I realized the gate said, BYU. Neat, huh?

That's right! Conquered that mountain like a boss. An hour up, and 15 minutes back down. Without any help from my inhaler!

Can I Be Any More Awkward?

So, there's a boy... It's always a boy...
This particular boy is adorable, and funny, and always makes me laugh. Last week he invited me to do a movie night with him. I'm not even going to pretend like I wasn't freaking out, because I was. This little girl doesn't even begin to cover how excited I was.

During the week I would tell people I was watching a movie with a boy on Friday and they would inevitably ask, "Is it a date?" To which I would respond,

"How do you not know?" 

"Well, there might be other people there, I just don't know! It doesn't matter! He INVITED me to a movie night!!!!!" And then I would gush about it for a while longer.

Friday night arrives and I am beyond excited. I go over to his apartment and it turns out there are other people, but do I mind? You got it, nope! Before the movie even starts the group is standing around in his kitchen and he keeps making eye contact with me and sharing little jokes and I'm just deliriously happy.

But, I also want to get this started and so does he, so he grabs the movie and goes into the living room and I follow him with the popcorn. There are two couches, a love seat and a three cushion couch. He plops down right smack in the middle of the 3 cushion couch and solves my problem of figuring out where to sit.

We looked a little like this couple and halfway through the movie I realize that I'm analyzing his every move trying to find some hidden message and I have to tell myself to STOP! I shifted positions and every time I did it took me closer to the edge of my cushion, but I never crossed over the line. The whole movie, whenever he shifted positions he stayed right smack dab in the middle of the cushion. I cursed the fact that everyone either wanted to be on the floor or the other couch. Why can't we all just pack in like sardines? It would be perfect!

The movie ends and he heads back into the back rooms of the apartment. Needless to say I was a lottle disappointed. Luckily the entire group except my best friend and me leave the apartment. I take my time gathering my things. Suddenly, my best friend points out his phone just sitting there on the couch. She and I have always been pranksters so we gather up his phone and start devising a plan of attack when we hear his voice in the kitchen. We immediately go to the door way trying our best to look like this:

but end up looking more like this:

He was immediately suspicious and I couldn't handle the pressure so I just held out his phone as I blurted, "We didn't have time." My friend cracks up laughing. The three of us chat for a couple more minute before she makes her way out and saying, "Come say goodbye before you leave." (She lives in the same complex he does).

Just how am I supposed to get him to walk me to my car a block away if I have to come visit you!?

The boy and I talked for a good half hour before he had yawned enough (twice, for the record), and I felt better for the awkward movie experience because we had been nonstop laughing for those thirty minutes, that I slowly said my goodbyes. 

I ran over to my friends apartment and could only talk to her for a couple minutes before telling her of my foiled plans. She immediately grabbed my arm and dragged me back to his apartment before knocking on the door and walking away. It was torture standing there at his door for those 30 seconds. Then, his roommate answered and said, "Yes?" Really? I am NOT saying, "Oh, I just want your roommate to walk me to my car..." Instead, I replied, "Nothing,

" and ran screaming back to my friend's apartment. Yes, I did straight up scream in his face before I ran. Along the way I said out loud, "I hate you! I hate you!" My friend stood in her doorway waiting for me with the food I'd brought over earlier. She handed it to me and said, "Love you."

"No you don't!" I harrumphed, and I walked back past the boy's door. His roommate was still standing in the doorway and as I passed said, "What's up?"

"Nothing" I mumble. All the while making awkward squeaks and grunts from embarrassment. 

"It'll be easier if you just start."

"Umm, squeak, grunt... Where's your roommate?"

"What?"

"Where's your roommate?" I hissed.

"Do you want me to get him?"

 (:17will reveal exactly how I sounded)

I pulled a Fat Amy and he said, "Let me go get him."

I thought I was going to pass out. It took 2 whole minutes before the boy came to the door. Two whole minutes!!! The entirety of which I ran through possible explanations of why I had come back in my head and debated just leaving and never coming back... Ever.

Finally the boy appeared and the doorway with a quizzical brow and I blurted,

"I'll give you hummus if you walk me to my car so I don't get dismembered by Ted Bundy." Holding out my hummus to him like it's a gift to forgo my execution.

With no hesitation he said, "Deal, let me get my shoes." Woah, really? Just like that? Ok... Ok... I can do this.

When he got back I pointed out his spider friend just making a web on the railing just outside the door before we headed off to my car. The entire time both of us were just going off each other back and forth and he had the cutest grin on his face and I'm sure I looked like this:

We finally got to my car and I gave over the promised hummus. We talked for a little while longer and said a slightly awkward goodbye. I didn't know if I should hug him or not so I just said, "Bye, thank you for walking me to my car. Don't die."
"I'll say hello to Ted Bundy for you."

"Haha" and turned around and opened my car. Then I got in and had some serious words with myself, mostly about how ridiculous and awkward that was. But really, could it have been any more awkward? Or perfect?