Dec 28, 2011

A Day of Judgment.

Not the day just a day, or week, or two months... and then some. People judge, it's what we do as a species and more often than not, we have to, how else are we going to survive? We need to judge what will harm us and what will make us better, what will make our lives harder and what will make them easier... (etc. you get and are very familiar with the point).
We judge... and then we make choices.
Some choices are easy, some are so easy it's pathetic. Some are harder and require effort and time. Some require so much more and are the hardest choices to make.
Some choices make us happy. Some choices make us and others happy. Some choices make others happy. Some choices make no one happy.
In the past two weeks, Bryan and I made a choice. On Friday December 16, 2011 we went to the county court and filed for divorce.
I know that others will judge us a great deal, and I wish it wasn't true, but I cannot stop that.
Bryan is a good man, and I regret nothing about our relationship. Could I have done more? Yes. Could he? Yes. Was it entirely the fault of either of us? No. We both shared in what has come about.
Our whole relationship was filled, and still is filled, with miracles. We met because I felt I needed to come home for the summer and fall in 2010. We met through a friend of Bryan's whom my father home taught and my father needed a companion one night. Throughout our whole relationship (the first 6 months being long distance) the Lord held us in the palm of his hand. The week before our wedding the weather waffled between spitting and pouring but never sunny until the day before. The clouds thinned and then on the day of our wedding, there was not a cloud in the sky. I woke up early to a beautiful and peaceful sunrise, it was like a little wedding gift from Heavenly Father.
As our marriage came to the last 7 weeks I have witnessed even more miracles from the Lord, many being that we had next to nothing to split, we had no debts collectively, I am not pregnant, it is happening now instead of four or five years down the road, there is no bitterness, resentment, or anger between us.
I, for my own part, have seen so many miracles as well. I have the gospel and the strength and comfort of my Heavenly Father, I have felt of His love and I know that He will always be with me. I do not regret marrying Bryan, but I am rather incredibly grateful that we did met and marry. I have wept and I allowed myself to realize that it's okay to weep. I have allowed myself to realize that it is okay to not be okay. I have felt the Lord's love for all those around me so much more keen than ever before. I was able to tolerate my family for 4 whole days at Christmas time and even drew comfort being among them.
I still love him and that will never change, no matter what happens.

Dec 4, 2011

Heaven and Hell

I'm convinced that God (please note) allows us to go through Hell so that we can truly appreciate the sweetness of Heaven that comes afterward. Heavenly Father is a god of order and rules that He too must follow or He would cease to be God. He cannot create evil, if He did then He would cease to be completely good as He is. He simply allows to be tossed about by evil, but He never abandons us. He allows us to be tempted and given trials and to take a sip from the gall of bitterness so that we understand how sweet the cup of mercy tastes. Nothing has ever tasted more sweet and brought me more peace than knowing that He is right next to me. In my trial I brought myself to Him and I could feel Him there, I could feel His love for me. And that is something I will never forget. I have been through Hell, and I have been held in my Father's arms in Heaven and Hell was worth it.