Oct 13, 2016

Dying With Dignity

I have started to consider vlogging. But until I can figure out how to make my videos work....
I am not dying, but my father is.
September 2014
Through treatment of a kidney stone, my father found out he had kidney cancer. An easy fix with a simple surgery.
January 2015
During a full body scan, necessary because of the kidney cancer, a second form of cancer was found in his lungs. Non-small cell lung cancer. This was not a mutated form of the kidney cancer, but a separate cancer entirely. When we found out, we joked with him that maybe he should go to Vegas and play the lottery since his chances were phenomenal.
Surgery was scheduled for removal of the kidney cancer and the spot of lung cancer.
2015 - 2016
Though my father was somewhat tired, he responded remarkably well to surgery and the chemo and radiation that followed. Chemo and radiation were needed because the lung cancer reacted to the air and spots appeared all over his lungs. His breathing was more labored, but otherwise he was a picture of health.
April 2016
The lung cancer was back and treatments of pills began. Again, though tired, he was up and moving and in otherwise good health. The doctors predicted he had a few years left.
August 2016
He was going home from work one day and stopped at Wal-Mart to pick up some prescriptions, which likely saved his life. He collapsed in the store and awoke to a stranger cradling his head. Had he driven home, he might have ended up in a car accident. An MRI revealed too many lesions in his head to count.
After much discussion, my parents decided to move forward with radiation to the head. This treatment was to continue for two weeks.
Around this time my father's appetite and desire to consume any food at all dropped off. He ate only because and when my mother insisted. Which was a sign of approaching death. The body knows it is dying and it shuts down the less important life systems. At the end of his radiation treatment, my husband and I came to visit. My father was deeply depressed and in a very dark place. He had contemplated suicide as far as knowing how he would go, but knew that would be unfair for my mother. It was heartbreaking to see him so despondent. But no one could fault him, was it due to the concoction of chemicals being pumped through his system? Was it the many lesions pressing on who knows what part of the brain? Was it just the knowledge of what he was going through? It was hard to tell. That was three weeks ago.
September 26, 2016
At night, after my father knelt in prayer, he could not stand up and my mother could not get him up. After 45 minutes of trying, she called a friend to help her.
September 27, 2016
She called her doctors and was told to bring him into the ER, because it wasn't the radiation that had weakened him so much. Though I can't deny that doctors do much for us, I also find my biases mainly against them, for reasons like the following.
Once in the hospital the medical staff honed in on the fact that my father was depressed and they told my mother that they would like to put him in a psych hospital in Vegas or Tucson. How foolish! My mother was furious and abjectly refused. The social worker told her that after watching her interact with him he knew that wasn't the problem. They continued to look for solutions.
September 29, 2016
Someone on the ER staff decided to release my father back into my mother's care. She was irritated with the lack of care as he had become incontinent and was lying in his own urine for who knows how long. She again had to call on the help of a friend to get my father from the car into the house.
September 30, 2016
My mother was able to get my father cleaned and showered. He told her that he had to use the toilet. After standing in front of it for quite a while, he started to wobble. Then he fell, smacking his head on the closet behind him and sliding to the floor with his legs straddling the toilet. My mom lost control at that point and had to go to another room to sob uncontrollably, knowing that she would not be able to get him up without help. After she had regained control, she called her fireman friend to assist her once more.
They returned to the ER, refused the mandatory tests on admittance, and met with the doctor who had admitted them previously. The doctor informed her that he was surprised to find my parents had left. He did not believe my father would leave the hospital at all.
That evening my parents were told that it was likely over, there must be cancer cells in the spine, and they would be released to hospice care. A total and enveloping peace surrounded them. They knew this was right.
A later MRI showed there were no cancer cells in the spine. My parent were told my father might yet live another year or two. Confusion and pain settled on my parents. A series of tests jerked my parents back and forth as each day they were told something different. When they were told it was over, peace settled on them. When they were told it wasn't, confusion and turmoil enveloped them.
October 5, 2016
Their radiology oncologist returned from his 10 day vacation and ordered an MRI of the lumbar region of the spine. It revealed the spine wrapped in a mass of tumors. No wonder my father couldn't always stand. No wonder he was weak. My mother was taken aside and told they could no longer do anything for Dad, only to him. She felt peace once more enshroud her.
October 6, 2016
My father was released home to hospice in the care of my mother. Myself and two of my brothers traveled home, they for the weekend, and I until my mother no longer needed me. Hospice means that you are sent home to allow nature to take its course. No more pick lines, saline drips or hospital machines keeping you alive. There are medications to ease your pain and your passing.
And now
As I write, my father is on the last stage of his life. He hasn't eaten in 10 days, he hasn't had any liquids since Monday, his breathing is ragged, and he no longer responds to touch. He may last minutes, or hours, or, quite possibly, days. We just don't know his timing.
This experience of helping my mother care for him has been sacred and beautiful. To care for someone who has cared for me my entire life is truly humbling. I have never felt more love for my parents than I do at this moment.  Our nurse asked me Tuesday if my father is still teaching me, if he is teaching me to die with dignity?
Yes. He has been so calm through this whole process. He does everything he can to assist my mother and myself in caring for him. It isn't much, but it's all he has. He is dying with dignity, just as he lived with dignity. We did not always get along, but as I grew older I learned to appreciate all that my father has given me, all he has taught me. And in this time, so many are coming to visit or calling my mother to tell her how much they love my father.
That man truly lived and truly loved.

May 21, 2016

Last update

Yes I am doing well still! I'm down closer to my original weight, before I was married and eating at the rate my husband ate. Which is all well and good for him, he is far more active than I am. And by reason of elimination, I have found the food that causes problems for me: dairy. And I have also discovered that I could easily live without it. I won't eliminate it entirely, but I will no longer consume it every day. I will more than likely do this cleanse again. It's taught me a lot about my eating habits and myself.

May 15, 2016

Day 7

Yes, I am still going, even if I didn't post every day. It has been quite the learning and even rejuvenating experience.

I have more energy, I'm less tired, I have less intestinal problems. It's beautiful!!! Who knew that your body would work better on better food. Ok, lots of people. Too bad I'm an experience-it-for-yourself kind of person.

I did have sugar on my 3rd day. 3 rolos and a handful of skittles. It was an interesting and unpleasant experience afterward. I got a headache and was dizzy for a few hours afterward, not to mention the guilt. That was interesting. I didn't have sugar for the rest of the week. Until yesterday when the sugar as actually agave. It was so surprisingly sweet! It was so sweet that I did not want any more.

I have not had processed food. And the longer it was, the less I wanted it.
I'm thinking this will absolutely be a lifestyle change for me. I'm really enjoying this food plan. But what I'm really enjoying is not being listless and exhausted all the time. It was a really downer.

I intend to finish my 10 day detox and then let small amounts of processed food back into my life. I don't think it's wise or helpful to eliminate it completely. But this has been about overcoming my addiction to food. I've done that and I want to continue practicing self-control. So I'll add back processed foods, not by buying them, but by allowing myself them in social situations.

Here are my measurements for the days.

Day 2
W: 35
H: 38 1/4
T: 23 3/4

Day 3
W: 35 3/4
H: 38
T: 23 1/2

Day 4
W: 36
H: 37 1/2
T: 22 3/4

Day 5
W: 29 3/4 (I realized this day that I wasn't measuring my  natural waist previously)
H: 36 1/2
T: 23 1/4

Day 6
W: 30
H: 36 1/2
T: 23 1/2

Day 7
W: 29
H: 36 1/4
T: 23 3/4

May 9, 2016

Day One!!!

Morning Measurements
Weight: 154
Waist: 34"
Hips: 38 3/4"
Thighs: 23 1/2"

So this day I learned quite a bit about myself. I LOOOOOVVVVEEE food. It's a problem, I'm super addicted. Which is why I am doing this detox. I learned the difference between being hungry and wanting food. I wasn't hungry all day but I was craving snacks all day. And I was warring about following through with the cleanse. So I'm determined to keep going and mind over matter.

May 5, 2016

Prepping Again

Toxicity questionnaire! I forgot to record this yesterday, so I'll record it today instead. For the detox that I am doing, there is a questionnaire about symptoms that affect me. These are numerical to note how grievously affect my body is by the foods I consume. I won't note the symptoms, just the totals.
t9, t3, t10, t9, t10, t6 t5, t7, t10, t1, t3, t7, t0, t5, t4 = 89
So pretty bad actually.

Weight: 153.4
Height: 5'8 1/2" (I won't add this any more).
Waist: 36"
Hips: 39 1/2"
Thighs: 24 1/2"

No exercise as of yet today. But there was a pot luck at work and I did not overeat. Yay!

So overall not too much better than yesterday. But tomorrow is another day. 

May 4, 2016

Back Again

Yes, I know it's been over a year... Sorry about that. I just didn't feel that I needed it. Either that or I was too lazy. You can choose. :)

So, I will be doing a 10 detox starting Monday May 9th. I was going to go through this processes roughly two years ago with my mother and brother but didn't have the will power to do so. Now I do. This will be my detox journal because it will help motivate me to do what needs to be done.
The first thing to start with is answering the questions from the detox book.
1. Why am I doing this detox? What is my dream for my body and my life that this detox will make possible?
I am doing this detox to purge my body of the junk I've eaten over the years, to help me become more healthy and to stop fighting my body. I have had gas for a large portion of my life, once so painful I thought there was something seriously wrong with me and visited a few doctors only to find out it was gas. How embarrasing... So, I want to reset my body's health and find out what is adversely affecting me. I want more energy and strength and this detox will help my body re-calibrate and get onto a healthy and stronger track. And lastly, I want to get a healthy body so that I can be healthy and strong and provide the nutrients a baby may need. I'm not pregnant, but I would like to be soon.
2. What are 3 specific goals I have for these days?
Wake early, prep meals in the evenings, gain control over my desires to eat.
3. What are the top 3 things holding me back from losing weight?
My love of taste and consuming way too much when I find one I like. My aversion to exercise even though I know I feel better and even enjoy exercising. My lack of control over eating even when I'm not hungry because I am 1) bored, 2) reading, 3) watching Eliot/anyone eating... period.
4. What beliefs do I have that might hold me back?
I don't have time to prepare these meals.
5. What is my relationship with food and how would I like to nourish myself?
I love food, I want to eat it all the time, I love the way it tastes, I am addicted to the taste of food. I would like to nourish myself when I am hungry with good foods that won't upset my body, and I would like to eat controlled portions and not feel like I am missing out by not eating.
6. How does being overweight or sick diminish or detract from my happiness and my ability to fulfill my life's purpose?
I don't have a lot of energy when I don't eat properly and I get pains in my stomach, almost every day. It is distracting and depressing, I don't want to get out and interact with others and I don't feel happy. Poor Eliot is such a sport, but I want to treat my body better so that I can become an enegry filled being who isn't limited by poor choices.
7. How do I see my life changing by learning to properly nourish myself?
I see more laughter and energy, more service and joy. I see Eliot and me not being held back from adventures by my limitations. I see less worry about the pains I feel.
8. What positive experiences have I had in the past from eating well and nourishing properly.
My mother almost always had a healthy meal set on the table and I was full of energy and life in my childhood. I only started feeling the pains in high school when I took more food choices into my own hands. I remember having energy and feeling positive no matter what circumstances shaped me. I want to get back to that person I knew.

Ok, now to measurements. I am not starting until Monday, but I will start today by choosing my eating practices with more care. Stopping when I feel full and eating only when I feel it is necessary. And eating less junk and processed foods.
Weight: 155.4
Height: 5'8 1/2"
Waist: 37"
 Hips: 37 1/2"
Thigh Circumference: Left & Right - 27"

Exercise for day - 15 min yoga for beginners.

Feelings: I felt some minor abdominal pain today at varying times throughout the day. I over ate on snack foods and didn't eat a very healthy lunch. Mood was oppresive during the morning but I remembered that I have a choice on my mood and chose to be less somber through the rest of the day.

I will be prepping my mind and my pantry for the next few days but I will continue posting my measurements and how I am feeling.

Here we go! Wish me luck and strength.