Mar 11, 2013

Stream of Self-consiousness

Ok. So I made a huge announcement to my roommate today and that announcement is.... drum roll please,... I'm ready to date again. But, seriously, I really am this time.
What kept me from being ready before was my lack of self-esteem when it comes to others. When it comes to Heavenly Father I know how valuable and loved I am. I know He sees my potential and He is helping me reach it when I let him. I know I'm incredible and wanted and He would do anything to help me be truly happy. But, when it comes to other people I wonder what they see in me. I wonder if they truly see the potential I have or the person I am. Often I doubt that they do. Or, even if I do believe they see me for who I am and who I will be, I don't believe they will continue to see it.
Well, that was how I used to be. Now, I am glad to be me and I am looking for someone who sees me for who I am and who I will become. I will no longer doubt that a good man will continue to see me in this way and that he will help me reach my potential. I am beginning to trust that there are those out there who love me and will always love me. I have had friends who have stuck with me through my trials, who have seen me at my absolute lowest point and who have stood by me because they know who I truly am and the good I am capable of. I believe in myself and I believe that I am innately good and desirable to a man who is also innately good. No longer will I listen to the voices both inside and out saying I am not good enough, or I am not worth it. To those I say, "I don't need you because you are wrong." I will eliminate them, or at the very least I will not tolerate them in my life.
No longer will I confuse humility with self-abasement. Having humility is not believe you are worthless, it is knowing you are full of worth. Humility is not like pride, the proud have pride because they are afraid that without whatever it is they have their pride in, they are nothing. Having humility is knowing, that even with everything stripped away, you still have so much potential and so much worth stored inside your soul. I had to have everything emotionally stripped away from me to understand this. Thankfully, I learned it.
Now, how to start about this dating business? All I want it to get to know enough people that I can decided what works and what does not work for me. Perhaps this seems like a selfish way to look at it, but, if it doesn't work for me why would I hurt someone by pretending it does? It would just hurt them more later on down the road when I can no longer hold the farce together. So, do I go on as many dates with as many people as I can so I can better understand what compliments my personality? Or do I just try dating one person at a time until it doesn't work out, or does? I personally believe the first option is more fair for everyone involved, but in Provo that comes with a stigma. If I choose to try it that way then labels like flirt, slut, tramp, easy and others come with that territory. Jess tells me that I act interested and then I don't and then I act interested in other guys. The problem is, I am interested in other guys. I see aspects in everyone that I find incredibly attractive as a prospective husband. I want to get to know a guy before I decide to go steady, or to not continue dating. But how do I have confidence in that? I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to do what's best for me and for everyone else. What to do? What ... to ... do?!