I have started to consider vlogging. But until I can figure out how to make my videos work....
I am not dying, but my father is.
September 2014
Through treatment of a kidney stone, my father found out he had kidney cancer. An easy fix with a simple surgery.
January 2015
During a full body scan, necessary because of the kidney cancer, a second form of cancer was found in his lungs. Non-small cell lung cancer. This was not a mutated form of the kidney cancer, but a separate cancer entirely. When we found out, we joked with him that maybe he should go to Vegas and play the lottery since his chances were phenomenal.
Surgery was scheduled for removal of the kidney cancer and the spot of lung cancer.
2015 - 2016
Though my father was somewhat tired, he responded remarkably well to surgery and the chemo and radiation that followed. Chemo and radiation were needed because the lung cancer reacted to the air and spots appeared all over his lungs. His breathing was more labored, but otherwise he was a picture of health.
April 2016
The lung cancer was back and treatments of pills began. Again, though tired, he was up and moving and in otherwise good health. The doctors predicted he had a few years left.
August 2016
He was going home from work one day and stopped at Wal-Mart to pick up some prescriptions, which likely saved his life. He collapsed in the store and awoke to a stranger cradling his head. Had he driven home, he might have ended up in a car accident. An MRI revealed too many lesions in his head to count.
After much discussion, my parents decided to move forward with radiation to the head. This treatment was to continue for two weeks.
Around this time my father's appetite and desire to consume any food at all dropped off. He ate only because and when my mother insisted. Which was a sign of approaching death. The body knows it is dying and it shuts down the less important life systems. At the end of his radiation treatment, my husband and I came to visit. My father was deeply depressed and in a very dark place. He had contemplated suicide as far as knowing how he would go, but knew that would be unfair for my mother. It was heartbreaking to see him so despondent. But no one could fault him, was it due to the concoction of chemicals being pumped through his system? Was it the many lesions pressing on who knows what part of the brain? Was it just the knowledge of what he was going through? It was hard to tell. That was three weeks ago.
September 26, 2016
At night, after my father knelt in prayer, he could not stand up and my mother could not get him up. After 45 minutes of trying, she called a friend to help her.
September 27, 2016
She called her doctors and was told to bring him into the ER, because it wasn't the radiation that had weakened him so much. Though I can't deny that doctors do much for us, I also find my biases mainly against them, for reasons like the following.
Once in the hospital the medical staff honed in on the fact that my father was depressed and they told my mother that they would like to put him in a psych hospital in Vegas or Tucson. How foolish! My mother was furious and abjectly refused. The social worker told her that after watching her interact with him he knew that wasn't the problem. They continued to look for solutions.
September 29, 2016
Someone on the ER staff decided to release my father back into my mother's care. She was irritated with the lack of care as he had become incontinent and was lying in his own urine for who knows how long. She again had to call on the help of a friend to get my father from the car into the house.
September 30, 2016
My mother was able to get my father cleaned and showered. He told her that he had to use the toilet. After standing in front of it for quite a while, he started to wobble. Then he fell, smacking his head on the closet behind him and sliding to the floor with his legs straddling the toilet. My mom lost control at that point and had to go to another room to sob uncontrollably, knowing that she would not be able to get him up without help. After she had regained control, she called her fireman friend to assist her once more.
They returned to the ER, refused the mandatory tests on admittance, and met with the doctor who had admitted them previously. The doctor informed her that he was surprised to find my parents had left. He did not believe my father would leave the hospital at all.
That evening my parents were told that it was likely over, there must be cancer cells in the spine, and they would be released to hospice care. A total and enveloping peace surrounded them. They knew this was right.
A later MRI showed there were no cancer cells in the spine. My parent were told my father might yet live another year or two. Confusion and pain settled on my parents. A series of tests jerked my parents back and forth as each day they were told something different. When they were told it was over, peace settled on them. When they were told it wasn't, confusion and turmoil enveloped them.
October 5, 2016
Their radiology oncologist returned from his 10 day vacation and ordered an MRI of the lumbar region of the spine. It revealed the spine wrapped in a mass of tumors. No wonder my father couldn't always stand. No wonder he was weak. My mother was taken aside and told they could no longer do anything for Dad, only to him. She felt peace once more enshroud her.
October 6, 2016
My father was released home to hospice in the care of my mother. Myself and two of my brothers traveled home, they for the weekend, and I until my mother no longer needed me. Hospice means that you are sent home to allow nature to take its course. No more pick lines, saline drips or hospital machines keeping you alive. There are medications to ease your pain and your passing.
And now
As I write, my father is on the last stage of his life. He hasn't eaten in 10 days, he hasn't had any liquids since Monday, his breathing is ragged, and he no longer responds to touch. He may last minutes, or hours, or, quite possibly, days. We just don't know his timing.
This experience of helping my mother care for him has been sacred and beautiful. To care for someone who has cared for me my entire life is truly humbling. I have never felt more love for my parents than I do at this moment. Our nurse asked me Tuesday if my father is still teaching me, if he is teaching me to die with dignity?
Yes. He has been so calm through this whole process. He does everything he can to assist my mother and myself in caring for him. It isn't much, but it's all he has. He is dying with dignity, just as he lived with dignity. We did not always get along, but as I grew older I learned to appreciate all that my father has given me, all he has taught me. And in this time, so many are coming to visit or calling my mother to tell her how much they love my father.
That man truly lived and truly loved.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Oct 13, 2016
May 9, 2016
Day One!!!
Morning Measurements
Weight: 154
Waist: 34"
Hips: 38 3/4"
Thighs: 23 1/2"
So this day I learned quite a bit about myself. I LOOOOOVVVVEEE food. It's a problem, I'm super addicted. Which is why I am doing this detox. I learned the difference between being hungry and wanting food. I wasn't hungry all day but I was craving snacks all day. And I was warring about following through with the cleanse. So I'm determined to keep going and mind over matter.
Weight: 154
Waist: 34"
Hips: 38 3/4"
Thighs: 23 1/2"
So this day I learned quite a bit about myself. I LOOOOOVVVVEEE food. It's a problem, I'm super addicted. Which is why I am doing this detox. I learned the difference between being hungry and wanting food. I wasn't hungry all day but I was craving snacks all day. And I was warring about following through with the cleanse. So I'm determined to keep going and mind over matter.
Jan 26, 2015
Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places
Remember how I mentioned before that life is a paradox? Well, I have had it confirmed so many times it's a wonder we human believe we can make any sense of the world.
I just finished the book, "Falling to Heaven" by James Ferrell. If ever a more potent book was written, it would be the Book of Mormon. But this book (FTH), expounds and clarifies the Book of Mormon, for those of us whose hearts have not yet seen all the purity of the Book of Mormon.
Read it. It just may change your perspective, if you let it.
I was so disappointed when it was over, I kept flipping back and forth to see if I'd missed something.
I just finished the book, "Falling to Heaven" by James Ferrell. If ever a more potent book was written, it would be the Book of Mormon. But this book (FTH), expounds and clarifies the Book of Mormon, for those of us whose hearts have not yet seen all the purity of the Book of Mormon.
Read it. It just may change your perspective, if you let it.
I was so disappointed when it was over, I kept flipping back and forth to see if I'd missed something.
Jan 20, 2014
One Step Enough For Me
Lead, kindly Light, amid the encircling gloom; lead thou me on! The night is dark and I am far from home; Lead thou me on! Keep thou my feet; I don't ask to see the distant scene - one step enough for me.
~John Henry Newman
One step enough for me. Once that would have terrified me and I would have fought tooth and nail to see and know. But now, I trust. And I do, I do trust, wholly and completely. The Lord does lead me one step at a time. He give me just enough light to see the step I need to take, so I prepare to take that step. Sometimes before I even make the step, he sheds light on a step just slightly to the left or right of that step. Sometimes I actually make it to that step. Then, once I have taken the step he's shown me, he shows me the next step. I used to pray that he would illuminate the entire path for me. He did, and I felt trapped. I didn't want that path, I didn't make sense and it was confusing and wrong. But I had asked, so I learned to accept it. When I finally accepted it, he gently took me by the hand and should me one step on a different path. Still I asked to have the whole pathway illuminated, but the Lord is patient and wise. I had to be content with one step. I cried and begged and pleaded. Finally I humbled myself and trusted.
My mother always tells me that the Lord doesn't micromanage. I know he doesn't, and the Lord wants a people that don't have to be counseled in all things. But, I also know, that if we are paying attention, and listening for it, the small but significant choices we make can be guided. The Lord doesn't tell me what to eat or even tell me to read my scriptures every time I wake up. He has told me once, and if I want to prove myself to him I will doe as he asks me.
Sometimes I do ask for the answer over and over again because I just want to be sure I didn't get it wrong. Sometimes he is so patient and he tells me over and over. Sometimes he waits in silence for me to remember that I know the answer.
I could go on for hours. It sufficeth me to say, "One step enough for me." Lead thou me on.
~John Henry Newman
One step enough for me. Once that would have terrified me and I would have fought tooth and nail to see and know. But now, I trust. And I do, I do trust, wholly and completely. The Lord does lead me one step at a time. He give me just enough light to see the step I need to take, so I prepare to take that step. Sometimes before I even make the step, he sheds light on a step just slightly to the left or right of that step. Sometimes I actually make it to that step. Then, once I have taken the step he's shown me, he shows me the next step. I used to pray that he would illuminate the entire path for me. He did, and I felt trapped. I didn't want that path, I didn't make sense and it was confusing and wrong. But I had asked, so I learned to accept it. When I finally accepted it, he gently took me by the hand and should me one step on a different path. Still I asked to have the whole pathway illuminated, but the Lord is patient and wise. I had to be content with one step. I cried and begged and pleaded. Finally I humbled myself and trusted.
My mother always tells me that the Lord doesn't micromanage. I know he doesn't, and the Lord wants a people that don't have to be counseled in all things. But, I also know, that if we are paying attention, and listening for it, the small but significant choices we make can be guided. The Lord doesn't tell me what to eat or even tell me to read my scriptures every time I wake up. He has told me once, and if I want to prove myself to him I will doe as he asks me.
Sometimes I do ask for the answer over and over again because I just want to be sure I didn't get it wrong. Sometimes he is so patient and he tells me over and over. Sometimes he waits in silence for me to remember that I know the answer.
I could go on for hours. It sufficeth me to say, "One step enough for me." Lead thou me on.
Oct 5, 2013
General Conference
I sit here on my couch awaiting easily my favorite event every six months. GENERAL CONFERENCE!!!!!
I love the spirit I feel and the comfort I receive in sitting and listening to the prophets give us the word of the Lord. We are so blessed and so lucky to have a living prophet on the earth who teaches us the word of God and keeps us living a good and moral life. We are so blessed, the Lord loves his children. Why would He leave us to fend for ourselves? Why would miracles cease on the earth today? They won't, the Lord is very active in our lives and he always will be because He loves us. All of us.
Thank goodness for General Conference to remind me just how much the Lord loves his children on the Earth today.
I love the spirit I feel and the comfort I receive in sitting and listening to the prophets give us the word of the Lord. We are so blessed and so lucky to have a living prophet on the earth who teaches us the word of God and keeps us living a good and moral life. We are so blessed, the Lord loves his children. Why would He leave us to fend for ourselves? Why would miracles cease on the earth today? They won't, the Lord is very active in our lives and he always will be because He loves us. All of us.
Thank goodness for General Conference to remind me just how much the Lord loves his children on the Earth today.
Apr 14, 2013
How to Save the World?
I wish I knew. My roommate has been having a rough go of life. I want to take away her pain and her loneliness. But, I know my other rommie is right, she is now in a place where only she can help herself. And she will probably struggle for the rest of her life.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, life is a balancing act. Too much of anything is bad, moderation is good. Often, we human beings go from one extreme to the other and we can't seem to find the safe middle of the seesaw. We got on at one end and thunk to the ground. So, we get up and run to the other end only to be bucked off.
Some few of us immediately figure out that we need to stand in the middle to be safe from hurt. Most of us will go back to the other extreme, not as far though. And so we go from one end to the other, each time a little less farther out. Finally, we find the middle and, hopefully, stay there. Some of us just keep going from one extreme to the other trying to figure it out.
The Savior understands the seesaw differently. He invites other to come sit with him and enjoy the seesaw. He will often come sit with us and helps us figure out how to obtain balance with the skills we are given. He encourages us to invite others to join us. And we in turn help them find the balance in their own lives.
So many times I forget that happiness comes from helping others and focusing on their happiness. It's really funny, we can't be happy until we focus on helping others to be happy. The more we focus on ourselves, the more miserable and unhappy we become. Playing on a seesaw is less fun when you try on your own. You can't reach the full heights as you can when someone else plays with you.
I wish I could help her see this, but she is too buried in her pain and resigned to feeling nothing to avoid pain. I cannot bring her out. I just hope she will bring herself out soon and take joy in the beautiful things around her.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, life is a balancing act. Too much of anything is bad, moderation is good. Often, we human beings go from one extreme to the other and we can't seem to find the safe middle of the seesaw. We got on at one end and thunk to the ground. So, we get up and run to the other end only to be bucked off.
Some few of us immediately figure out that we need to stand in the middle to be safe from hurt. Most of us will go back to the other extreme, not as far though. And so we go from one end to the other, each time a little less farther out. Finally, we find the middle and, hopefully, stay there. Some of us just keep going from one extreme to the other trying to figure it out.
The Savior understands the seesaw differently. He invites other to come sit with him and enjoy the seesaw. He will often come sit with us and helps us figure out how to obtain balance with the skills we are given. He encourages us to invite others to join us. And we in turn help them find the balance in their own lives.
So many times I forget that happiness comes from helping others and focusing on their happiness. It's really funny, we can't be happy until we focus on helping others to be happy. The more we focus on ourselves, the more miserable and unhappy we become. Playing on a seesaw is less fun when you try on your own. You can't reach the full heights as you can when someone else plays with you.
I wish I could help her see this, but she is too buried in her pain and resigned to feeling nothing to avoid pain. I cannot bring her out. I just hope she will bring herself out soon and take joy in the beautiful things around her.
Mar 11, 2013
Stream of Self-consiousness
Ok. So I made a huge announcement to my roommate today and that announcement is.... drum roll please,... I'm ready to date again. But, seriously, I really am this time.
What kept me from being ready before was my lack of self-esteem when it comes to others. When it comes to Heavenly Father I know how valuable and loved I am. I know He sees my potential and He is helping me reach it when I let him. I know I'm incredible and wanted and He would do anything to help me be truly happy. But, when it comes to other people I wonder what they see in me. I wonder if they truly see the potential I have or the person I am. Often I doubt that they do. Or, even if I do believe they see me for who I am and who I will be, I don't believe they will continue to see it.
Well, that was how I used to be. Now, I am glad to be me and I am looking for someone who sees me for who I am and who I will become. I will no longer doubt that a good man will continue to see me in this way and that he will help me reach my potential. I am beginning to trust that there are those out there who love me and will always love me. I have had friends who have stuck with me through my trials, who have seen me at my absolute lowest point and who have stood by me because they know who I truly am and the good I am capable of. I believe in myself and I believe that I am innately good and desirable to a man who is also innately good. No longer will I listen to the voices both inside and out saying I am not good enough, or I am not worth it. To those I say, "I don't need you because you are wrong." I will eliminate them, or at the very least I will not tolerate them in my life.
No longer will I confuse humility with self-abasement. Having humility is not believe you are worthless, it is knowing you are full of worth. Humility is not like pride, the proud have pride because they are afraid that without whatever it is they have their pride in, they are nothing. Having humility is knowing, that even with everything stripped away, you still have so much potential and so much worth stored inside your soul. I had to have everything emotionally stripped away from me to understand this. Thankfully, I learned it.
Now, how to start about this dating business? All I want it to get to know enough people that I can decided what works and what does not work for me. Perhaps this seems like a selfish way to look at it, but, if it doesn't work for me why would I hurt someone by pretending it does? It would just hurt them more later on down the road when I can no longer hold the farce together. So, do I go on as many dates with as many people as I can so I can better understand what compliments my personality? Or do I just try dating one person at a time until it doesn't work out, or does? I personally believe the first option is more fair for everyone involved, but in Provo that comes with a stigma. If I choose to try it that way then labels like flirt, slut, tramp, easy and others come with that territory. Jess tells me that I act interested and then I don't and then I act interested in other guys. The problem is, I am interested in other guys. I see aspects in everyone that I find incredibly attractive as a prospective husband. I want to get to know a guy before I decide to go steady, or to not continue dating. But how do I have confidence in that? I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to do what's best for me and for everyone else. What to do? What ... to ... do?!
What kept me from being ready before was my lack of self-esteem when it comes to others. When it comes to Heavenly Father I know how valuable and loved I am. I know He sees my potential and He is helping me reach it when I let him. I know I'm incredible and wanted and He would do anything to help me be truly happy. But, when it comes to other people I wonder what they see in me. I wonder if they truly see the potential I have or the person I am. Often I doubt that they do. Or, even if I do believe they see me for who I am and who I will be, I don't believe they will continue to see it.
Well, that was how I used to be. Now, I am glad to be me and I am looking for someone who sees me for who I am and who I will become. I will no longer doubt that a good man will continue to see me in this way and that he will help me reach my potential. I am beginning to trust that there are those out there who love me and will always love me. I have had friends who have stuck with me through my trials, who have seen me at my absolute lowest point and who have stood by me because they know who I truly am and the good I am capable of. I believe in myself and I believe that I am innately good and desirable to a man who is also innately good. No longer will I listen to the voices both inside and out saying I am not good enough, or I am not worth it. To those I say, "I don't need you because you are wrong." I will eliminate them, or at the very least I will not tolerate them in my life.
No longer will I confuse humility with self-abasement. Having humility is not believe you are worthless, it is knowing you are full of worth. Humility is not like pride, the proud have pride because they are afraid that without whatever it is they have their pride in, they are nothing. Having humility is knowing, that even with everything stripped away, you still have so much potential and so much worth stored inside your soul. I had to have everything emotionally stripped away from me to understand this. Thankfully, I learned it.
Now, how to start about this dating business? All I want it to get to know enough people that I can decided what works and what does not work for me. Perhaps this seems like a selfish way to look at it, but, if it doesn't work for me why would I hurt someone by pretending it does? It would just hurt them more later on down the road when I can no longer hold the farce together. So, do I go on as many dates with as many people as I can so I can better understand what compliments my personality? Or do I just try dating one person at a time until it doesn't work out, or does? I personally believe the first option is more fair for everyone involved, but in Provo that comes with a stigma. If I choose to try it that way then labels like flirt, slut, tramp, easy and others come with that territory. Jess tells me that I act interested and then I don't and then I act interested in other guys. The problem is, I am interested in other guys. I see aspects in everyone that I find incredibly attractive as a prospective husband. I want to get to know a guy before I decide to go steady, or to not continue dating. But how do I have confidence in that? I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to do what's best for me and for everyone else. What to do? What ... to ... do?!
Jan 21, 2013
The Temple
O my friends. Those whose names and faces I know and those who I have yet to meet. Do everything you can to be worthy of and go to the temple. It is an incredible and beautiful place that fills you with peace and awe and love. I have never had a happier day than the day I went through the temple. That has my wedding day included. I have never been filled with so much love, joy, wonder, and peace. If you are not striving to live worthy of your covenants, fix it. You are never too far gone or lost that you cannot be redeemed and brought back into the loving arms of your Heavenly Father. The Gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true. Let it into your heart and let it change you into a better person. If you are thinking that you don't need to be changed, you are missing the entire purpose of your life on this earth. There will never be a time in your life where you cannot be changed to become better. Take advantage of that and enjoy it!
Dec 4, 2012
Saving the World
One thing not to put on your application for grad school or a job when you have a bachelors in psychology, "I want to help people." Even if it is true. How does that make you different from the other 20 billion people with psychology degrees?
But, the truth is, all I want to do, all I've ever wanted to do is help people. My personal goal every day is to leave the people I've come across a little happier, their world a little brighter, and their burdens a little lighter. I want to make people feel special, because they are. I want to be their friend, because they deserve a good friend. (Not saying I am a good friend, but I try). Not just a friend who tells you what you want to hear all the time, but a friend who will tell you you are being an utter fool when you NEED to hear it, who will let you take consequences for your mistakes because that is what is best for you. I want people to know how to find happiness because, as prideful as this may sound, there really is one way.
Think about it. When have you felt most happy? Truly happy? Not high, or drunk or lustful. When was the last time you felt truly happy, the kind of happiness that lasts? When did you feel best about yourself? Was it when you were with your family trying to do something for someone other than yourself? When you helped someone reach that goal they had been working so hard for, just because? When you did something nice, not because you got something out of it, but just because you could?
That is happiness. Lift up your head! Raise your voice! Help a weary soul find a little peace and rest. Get into the spirit of Christmas. Help the Savior save the world.
But, the truth is, all I want to do, all I've ever wanted to do is help people. My personal goal every day is to leave the people I've come across a little happier, their world a little brighter, and their burdens a little lighter. I want to make people feel special, because they are. I want to be their friend, because they deserve a good friend. (Not saying I am a good friend, but I try). Not just a friend who tells you what you want to hear all the time, but a friend who will tell you you are being an utter fool when you NEED to hear it, who will let you take consequences for your mistakes because that is what is best for you. I want people to know how to find happiness because, as prideful as this may sound, there really is one way.
Think about it. When have you felt most happy? Truly happy? Not high, or drunk or lustful. When was the last time you felt truly happy, the kind of happiness that lasts? When did you feel best about yourself? Was it when you were with your family trying to do something for someone other than yourself? When you helped someone reach that goal they had been working so hard for, just because? When you did something nice, not because you got something out of it, but just because you could?
That is happiness. Lift up your head! Raise your voice! Help a weary soul find a little peace and rest. Get into the spirit of Christmas. Help the Savior save the world.
Nov 27, 2012
Reason, Season, Lifetime
Sorry I've been away for so long. I don't really have an excuse.
My Doctrine and Covenant class has us write what is called Scenario Papers where we use at least three scriptures from the D&C to answer personal questions from classmates. Today I chose to answer this one.
My Doctrine and Covenant class has us write what is called Scenario Papers where we use at least three scriptures from the D&C to answer personal questions from classmates. Today I chose to answer this one.
By January, two of my current roommates will have moved
out (reasons: marriage and study abroad). They are some of my best friends and
I'm really sad that I won't be living with them any more. How can I prepare
myself for this huge change?
Change
is difficult for so many things. It almost always is good, especially when you
trust in the Lord and look to him in every thought (Proverbs 3:6). I roomed
with complete strangers this summer and by the end of our short two months
together I had become closer friends with them than anyone else I’d ever roomed
with. It broke my heart to see them go, I hate it when people I’m close to
leave. The roommate I’d grown closest to had written down a poem she knew
called, “Reason, Season and Lifetime.” It is an incredible poem and it opened
my eyes. People who come into our lives for a Reason teach us a lesson and then
are gone, not because we did anything wrong, but because that is how it was
meant to be. “And how it was possible for him to preach to those spirits and
perform the necessary labor among them in so short a time” (D&C 138:28).
There are necessary labors for all of us to perform for others, and sometimes
that is all that is required.
Other
people come into our lives for a Season, we learn more than one lesson from
them and develop a great relationship. But, again, they leave without any wrong
doing on our part. Sometimes it is to help us get through a hard time, or to
teach us something that takes longer than a Reason. Always they make
significant impact on our lives. It may seem trivial to ask the Lord for help
when others leave our lives but according to the prophecy of Isaiah, “the
Redeemer was anointed to bind up the broken-hearted” (D&C 138:42). Before
this year I had never realized just how much the Atonement of Christ covers. It
is infinite, I had always thought that meant it went forwards and backwards
through time. Now my understanding has been expanded and I realized it covers
everything infinitely, every hurt, every sorrow, every moment of loneliness,
every tear, every disappointment, every sin, every mistake, every ill spoken
word, every loss, everything. Even the heartache of losing those close to us
for a short time, or for a very long time.
Some
people come into our lives for a Lifetime. Perhaps your roommates will be there
for you for a lifetime. Just because people leave doesn't mean that we can’t
reach out to them and stay in touch. I know it’s not the same, but life has
many people who come to reach and teach us. There will be more who will help
and build you up. That doesn't mean we forget the first, but we can and must allow
others to come in. “But behold, from among the righteous, he organized his forces
and appointed messengers, clothed with power and authority, and commissioned
them to go forth and carry the light of the gospel to them that were in
darkness, even to all the spirits of men” (D&C 138:30). Whether people come
into my life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime, I do all I can to touch their
lives and leave them with a little more light than I found them. It makes it easier to let them go, and I know I will see them again.
Writing this broke my heart a bit.
Here's the poem.
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
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Oct 29, 2012
What's the Point?
"Being married won't make me happy. ... I once was happy but now I'm even more miserable. ... I tried, it didn't work. ... I don't want this. ... Socializing brings more pain. ... If I'd never asked her on that first date I wouldn't be hurting this much now. ... I don't see the point in reading my scriptures. ... Pain, suffering does cause us to grow. ... I don't want to grow. ... He doesn't want me to be happy. ... When I pray, I already know what he's going to say and I don't want to do it. ... I'm doing my calling even though I don't want it and I don't want to do it. ...I can find happiness in the gospel when I'm dead. ... I've already tried the best I can, I'm done. ... The more trying I do, the more socializing I have to do, the more pain I receive. ... I don't want to. ... I don't care if I'm happy or not. ...I always end up back here, unhappy."
It breaks my heart when I hear this, and right now my roommate is having a conversation with her friend over Skype and he has said all of these things. It makes me want to weep. People who say this don't understand the true beauty of the gospel and the Atonement laid out in perfect and incredible simplicity. These words come from someone who is suffering from hurt and the desire to escape the pain that came from whatever trial had happened.
The truth is, they do care about being happy; if they didn't care if they were happy they wouldn't pull away and guard their hearts so ferociously. But, the tragic truth they are missing is, the more they pull away and cover their hearts, the worse they will feel. Yes, heartbreak is incredibly painful and that pain is real. Pain is real. People will hurt us and it can be very destructive. But, all these people can see is the pain that comes from interacting with others, perhaps that is all they have known. But, if they would just take a small leap of faith, they could see the reward that comes from serving others.
No matter where else they turn or whatever else they do to fill the hole in their heart, it will never completely heal unless they turn to the Lord and to serving their fellow man. And I think everyone knows this, deep down we all know that we cannot be truly happy unless we turn to the truth. We yearn to be with other people, to be accepted and loved, to be told that we are worth it, our souls resonate with the truths in the gospel. Something deep inside us tell us the truth that we don't always like to face. And nothing else we try will fill the void in our souls.
Take advantage of the gospel and the Atonement! I promise, I promise! You say you've already tried that, but if you truly had you would know that what you had thought before was the cry of a desperate pained soul. If you truly tried to access the Atonement you would have felt the incredible and overpowering pure love of Christ and Heavenly Father. Charity and service are the answer. Amazingly and seemingly contradictory, the more charity you give to others, the more you are filled. And with charity comes happiness. Remember that nothing is instant and if it is, it cannot make you happy. Life happens and pain exists. Push through it, don't ever give up. If you don't believe me try reading the Book of Mormon everyday, praying twice a day, going to church, and take advantage of the opportunities for service that come your way for 60 days. If you miss one, don't beat yourself up, just pick it up. And when you pray, pray as though you expect someone to hear and respond, because, if you do, someone will listen and He will respond. He always listens and He always responds, maybe not on your timing, but He always responds. Try it.
It breaks my heart when I hear this, and right now my roommate is having a conversation with her friend over Skype and he has said all of these things. It makes me want to weep. People who say this don't understand the true beauty of the gospel and the Atonement laid out in perfect and incredible simplicity. These words come from someone who is suffering from hurt and the desire to escape the pain that came from whatever trial had happened.
The truth is, they do care about being happy; if they didn't care if they were happy they wouldn't pull away and guard their hearts so ferociously. But, the tragic truth they are missing is, the more they pull away and cover their hearts, the worse they will feel. Yes, heartbreak is incredibly painful and that pain is real. Pain is real. People will hurt us and it can be very destructive. But, all these people can see is the pain that comes from interacting with others, perhaps that is all they have known. But, if they would just take a small leap of faith, they could see the reward that comes from serving others.
No matter where else they turn or whatever else they do to fill the hole in their heart, it will never completely heal unless they turn to the Lord and to serving their fellow man. And I think everyone knows this, deep down we all know that we cannot be truly happy unless we turn to the truth. We yearn to be with other people, to be accepted and loved, to be told that we are worth it, our souls resonate with the truths in the gospel. Something deep inside us tell us the truth that we don't always like to face. And nothing else we try will fill the void in our souls.
Take advantage of the gospel and the Atonement! I promise, I promise! You say you've already tried that, but if you truly had you would know that what you had thought before was the cry of a desperate pained soul. If you truly tried to access the Atonement you would have felt the incredible and overpowering pure love of Christ and Heavenly Father. Charity and service are the answer. Amazingly and seemingly contradictory, the more charity you give to others, the more you are filled. And with charity comes happiness. Remember that nothing is instant and if it is, it cannot make you happy. Life happens and pain exists. Push through it, don't ever give up. If you don't believe me try reading the Book of Mormon everyday, praying twice a day, going to church, and take advantage of the opportunities for service that come your way for 60 days. If you miss one, don't beat yourself up, just pick it up. And when you pray, pray as though you expect someone to hear and respond, because, if you do, someone will listen and He will respond. He always listens and He always responds, maybe not on your timing, but He always responds. Try it.
Sep 9, 2012
Addictions, more than the physical.
Can you really be addicted to a song? I submit that you absolutely can. I love songs! But there is one song in particular that has caught my fancy and held me enthralled for most of the day.
Ok, so the video is really weird, but the music? Incredible, the melody? Enthralling, his voice? So hypnotic... Sigh, I am addicted to a song! I am ADDICTED TO A SONG!
Now all I need to do is get help for it....
But where do I even start????
P.S. I found this on Facebook, a friend shared it. I blame him for my obession. Yep, I am totally passing the buck. :)
Ok, so the video is really weird, but the music? Incredible, the melody? Enthralling, his voice? So hypnotic... Sigh, I am addicted to a song! I am ADDICTED TO A SONG!
Now all I need to do is get help for it....
But where do I even start????
P.S. I found this on Facebook, a friend shared it. I blame him for my obession. Yep, I am totally passing the buck. :)
Aug 28, 2012
Don't Be an Idiot
What need I say more?
We were asked to write an essay on this prompt, "You have just learned that you have no more than 30 minutes to live. Everyone you have ever know - family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, even strangers with whom you only had brief contact - are gathered to hear you final thoughts. In 500 words what would you say to them?"
Only 500 words???? I have so much more to say!
As I was writing it I realized that I wouldn't leave it to my death bed. I have already told everyone, except random strangers, everything I would like to say. I would just say it again because, for some reason, being on a deathbed is sacred and the words one speaks hold more weight.
First and foremost I would have to say, "Don't be an idiot... Seriously." Especially to those who have found the secret to true happiness and for some reason or another don't give it the attention and dedication it deserves. Seriously? Why? What possible terrible excuse can you have for wasting your own happiness? Honestly?! Can you look yourself in the mirror and say, without shame, guilt, sarcasm, or longing, "I am perfectly content and at peace with the way I live now. Even if I could, I would change nothing." If you can't say that with utter confidence, FIX IT!!!! You know what to do, you just don't want to do it. YES... YOU DO.
Why? Why do we put off contentment, true happiness and peace???? WHY? Because Satan know what he's doing and he's convinced you you don't deserve. Well guess what? That is the biggest load of bullcrap that every person has swallowed at some point in his life. You do deserve to be happy. So get over yourself and shape up. When you fall down, don't beat yourself up. Get back on that horse and ride it! No, you can't do it alone no matter what you tell yourself. Yes, you have to make the choice, but you can't do it alone. That's why we have the atonement. Use it. Seriously. Don't be an idiot. Forgive yourself and love yourself or you will never, ever, ever find peace. Do it. Don't be an idiot.
We were asked to write an essay on this prompt, "You have just learned that you have no more than 30 minutes to live. Everyone you have ever know - family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, even strangers with whom you only had brief contact - are gathered to hear you final thoughts. In 500 words what would you say to them?"
Only 500 words???? I have so much more to say!
As I was writing it I realized that I wouldn't leave it to my death bed. I have already told everyone, except random strangers, everything I would like to say. I would just say it again because, for some reason, being on a deathbed is sacred and the words one speaks hold more weight.
First and foremost I would have to say, "Don't be an idiot... Seriously." Especially to those who have found the secret to true happiness and for some reason or another don't give it the attention and dedication it deserves. Seriously? Why? What possible terrible excuse can you have for wasting your own happiness? Honestly?! Can you look yourself in the mirror and say, without shame, guilt, sarcasm, or longing, "I am perfectly content and at peace with the way I live now. Even if I could, I would change nothing." If you can't say that with utter confidence, FIX IT!!!! You know what to do, you just don't want to do it. YES... YOU DO.
Why? Why do we put off contentment, true happiness and peace???? WHY? Because Satan know what he's doing and he's convinced you you don't deserve. Well guess what? That is the biggest load of bullcrap that every person has swallowed at some point in his life. You do deserve to be happy. So get over yourself and shape up. When you fall down, don't beat yourself up. Get back on that horse and ride it! No, you can't do it alone no matter what you tell yourself. Yes, you have to make the choice, but you can't do it alone. That's why we have the atonement. Use it. Seriously. Don't be an idiot. Forgive yourself and love yourself or you will never, ever, ever find peace. Do it. Don't be an idiot.
Jun 23, 2012
What Makes Life Hard For You?
One of my friends invited me to participate in a reading of essays. The essays were to be written by ourselves and on this topic.
["What makes life hard for you?"
The essay does not have to be eloquent or well-written or polished. The requirement is that it must be honest and real. It must address what really makes life hard for you, even if it is embarrassing or shameful or stupid or seemingly trivial. Maybe acne affects your self-esteem or you have a strained relationship with your mom, or you feel you don't have real friends, or you struggle with homo-sexuality, or you're going through a rough break up, or you deal with depression, or you're always struggling to have enough money, or you lack motivation. Maybe you stress because or your lack of dating experience and seriously doubt if you will ever get married. Maybe you're overly shy. Maybe you have health problems. Maybe you're too concerned what others think about you. Maybe you have a crush on someone that won't reciprocate. Maybe you feel no one ever understands you. Or maybe life is great and the only thing you can truly think of is how annoying your one roommate is. That's just fine.
It doesn't matter what it is as long as it makes life hard for YOU. It doesn't matter if it's boring as long as it's honest. The length of the essay is up to you.
Everybody has something that makes their life harder. Even if you have an easy life, there are things that make it relatively harder.]
I wrote my essay and I thought I would share it here.
{What makes life hard for me? I do. It wasn't until recently that I realized I am truly my own worst enemy. Ever since I was a child I haven't exactly been the popular one, though a lot of my friends were. In high school I could count on one hand the number of dates I went on and my first one wasn't until I was 18. Parents, teachers, adults, other girls, and my friends always told me how awesome I was and how beautiful I was and how any guy would be lucky to have me. I would think, "Great! Are you going to tell the boys that? Because I'm pretty sure they haven't had that news flash yet." It was frustrating to me, but even more frustrating and painful was the slow but steady disappearance of my best friends.
It started when my best friend told me to eat lunch with someone else because she was going to make friends with some other people and I would just get in the way. Then my other best friend who was like a sister to me moved away. Then others moved away and still others simply left me. It seemed like I was the girl everyone loved and no one liked. I was not anyone's best friend any more except the girl miles away. I didn't know it then but the seeds had been planted and I was steadily becoming more and more my own enemy.
Though my thoughts were never cruel or harsh I began to think that I was not worth loving and that everyone left because I just wasn't important to them and I never would be, there would always be someone better to take my place. Many times I sabotaged a relationship because I was so sure it would fail in the end anyway, so why go through the pain?
This continued until I met a boy. A beautiful, amazing, perfect, kind, loving boy who made me feel important and special. Who taught me to respect myself and who put me first. I was important, I was the most important thing in his life. And slowly, I began to believe it, I was the happiest girl in the world and I fell in love. Many times he was very patient and loving with me as I waited for the other shoe to drop and for him to leave me too, after all, everyone else had. He convinced me how foolish this thinking was because he loved me and would never leave me. This boy, who was already a dry Mormon and a better one than many I knew, was baptized and soon after asked for my hand in marriage. I couldn't believe it, it was too good to be true. We decided to work toward the temple as husband and wife and so we were civilly married back by his family. I couldn't remember a time when I was so happy. But things changed very quickly and I was no longer ecstatically happy, I had to work hard to be happy. The boy I loved had changed and began to treat me differently. He constantly sent little digs to tear away my self-esteem.
One night I confided in him my fear of those closest to me leaving or hurting me. Soon after the change was so drastic and it was so obvious that he didn't want anything to do with me that I confronted him. He told me it wasn't my fault, it was his and refused to try to let me help him or let us seek help from someone else. A week later we decided to divorce and I filed the paperwork. Two months later when I was suppose to submit the last bit of paperwork I went back and asked to try again. In less than an hour he told me I was not worth fighting for and that he'd already been there, done that. I left broken, hurt, angry, and once again proven right that I really was unlovable, that this was all my fault, and that I would never find anyone willing to love me. My best friend was now on her mission and my other best friend was leaving for her mission the next day, I would be left alone which was exactly what I deserved.
My mother and many other people tried to convince me that it wasn't entirely my fault, it takes two to make a relationship work, but one to let it fall apart. Sure, I had contributed in some way to its demise, but I had done all I could to make it work. It didn't matter what they said, I knew I was to blame and I knew I would never find someone else to truly love me.
Finally, I read a book that opened my eyes. I am lovable, I deserve happiness, I cannot let myself defeat me, it was not my fault. I hadn't loved myself, and I needed to repair that broken relationship that colored my memories and experiences. I deserve to be loved by me. I know this on a mental level and some day I will know it on an emotional level. But I will never stop trying. I will learn to truly love myself, I've already started and I will never stop trying my entire life. I will have days when I get down on myself and I wonder what I've done to push others away and make them stop loving me, but I won't let those days defeat me. Because the truth is, I am lovable, and I am worth more than even I can imagine. I deserve happiness not matter what anyone, including and especially myself, says. I am a Child of God and for the first time I truly understand what that is worth.
["What makes life hard for you?"
The essay does not have to be eloquent or well-written or polished. The requirement is that it must be honest and real. It must address what really makes life hard for you, even if it is embarrassing or shameful or stupid or seemingly trivial. Maybe acne affects your self-esteem or you have a strained relationship with your mom, or you feel you don't have real friends, or you struggle with homo-sexuality, or you're going through a rough break up, or you deal with depression, or you're always struggling to have enough money, or you lack motivation. Maybe you stress because or your lack of dating experience and seriously doubt if you will ever get married. Maybe you're overly shy. Maybe you have health problems. Maybe you're too concerned what others think about you. Maybe you have a crush on someone that won't reciprocate. Maybe you feel no one ever understands you. Or maybe life is great and the only thing you can truly think of is how annoying your one roommate is. That's just fine.
It doesn't matter what it is as long as it makes life hard for YOU. It doesn't matter if it's boring as long as it's honest. The length of the essay is up to you.
Everybody has something that makes their life harder. Even if you have an easy life, there are things that make it relatively harder.]
I wrote my essay and I thought I would share it here.
{What makes life hard for me? I do. It wasn't until recently that I realized I am truly my own worst enemy. Ever since I was a child I haven't exactly been the popular one, though a lot of my friends were. In high school I could count on one hand the number of dates I went on and my first one wasn't until I was 18. Parents, teachers, adults, other girls, and my friends always told me how awesome I was and how beautiful I was and how any guy would be lucky to have me. I would think, "Great! Are you going to tell the boys that? Because I'm pretty sure they haven't had that news flash yet." It was frustrating to me, but even more frustrating and painful was the slow but steady disappearance of my best friends.
It started when my best friend told me to eat lunch with someone else because she was going to make friends with some other people and I would just get in the way. Then my other best friend who was like a sister to me moved away. Then others moved away and still others simply left me. It seemed like I was the girl everyone loved and no one liked. I was not anyone's best friend any more except the girl miles away. I didn't know it then but the seeds had been planted and I was steadily becoming more and more my own enemy.
Though my thoughts were never cruel or harsh I began to think that I was not worth loving and that everyone left because I just wasn't important to them and I never would be, there would always be someone better to take my place. Many times I sabotaged a relationship because I was so sure it would fail in the end anyway, so why go through the pain?
This continued until I met a boy. A beautiful, amazing, perfect, kind, loving boy who made me feel important and special. Who taught me to respect myself and who put me first. I was important, I was the most important thing in his life. And slowly, I began to believe it, I was the happiest girl in the world and I fell in love. Many times he was very patient and loving with me as I waited for the other shoe to drop and for him to leave me too, after all, everyone else had. He convinced me how foolish this thinking was because he loved me and would never leave me. This boy, who was already a dry Mormon and a better one than many I knew, was baptized and soon after asked for my hand in marriage. I couldn't believe it, it was too good to be true. We decided to work toward the temple as husband and wife and so we were civilly married back by his family. I couldn't remember a time when I was so happy. But things changed very quickly and I was no longer ecstatically happy, I had to work hard to be happy. The boy I loved had changed and began to treat me differently. He constantly sent little digs to tear away my self-esteem.
One night I confided in him my fear of those closest to me leaving or hurting me. Soon after the change was so drastic and it was so obvious that he didn't want anything to do with me that I confronted him. He told me it wasn't my fault, it was his and refused to try to let me help him or let us seek help from someone else. A week later we decided to divorce and I filed the paperwork. Two months later when I was suppose to submit the last bit of paperwork I went back and asked to try again. In less than an hour he told me I was not worth fighting for and that he'd already been there, done that. I left broken, hurt, angry, and once again proven right that I really was unlovable, that this was all my fault, and that I would never find anyone willing to love me. My best friend was now on her mission and my other best friend was leaving for her mission the next day, I would be left alone which was exactly what I deserved.
My mother and many other people tried to convince me that it wasn't entirely my fault, it takes two to make a relationship work, but one to let it fall apart. Sure, I had contributed in some way to its demise, but I had done all I could to make it work. It didn't matter what they said, I knew I was to blame and I knew I would never find someone else to truly love me.
Finally, I read a book that opened my eyes. I am lovable, I deserve happiness, I cannot let myself defeat me, it was not my fault. I hadn't loved myself, and I needed to repair that broken relationship that colored my memories and experiences. I deserve to be loved by me. I know this on a mental level and some day I will know it on an emotional level. But I will never stop trying. I will learn to truly love myself, I've already started and I will never stop trying my entire life. I will have days when I get down on myself and I wonder what I've done to push others away and make them stop loving me, but I won't let those days defeat me. Because the truth is, I am lovable, and I am worth more than even I can imagine. I deserve happiness not matter what anyone, including and especially myself, says. I am a Child of God and for the first time I truly understand what that is worth.
Jun 20, 2012
Cutest Boy Ever
I got to spend an entire day with my favorite nephew! And even though he is my only nephew is the most adorable incredible child ever! He's 13 mo and the happiest child I have ever met, he only cried when he fell down a couple times. And no, I was not being negligent, he was just being a little boy. I'm amazed at the number of times they can fall down and be totally fine. I suppose babies are so resilient because they have to be.
We went to the park and he was so cute playing on the playground equipment. He absolutely loves cars and he is really good at rolling his "r"s and imitating an actual engine. He has bright blonde hair and an incredible smile. He looks are great deal like both his mother and his father. He has the cutest little snub nose.
I have some pictures for your perusal. Enjoy, I know I enjoyed seeing him.
We went to the park and he was so cute playing on the playground equipment. He absolutely loves cars and he is really good at rolling his "r"s and imitating an actual engine. He has bright blonde hair and an incredible smile. He looks are great deal like both his mother and his father. He has the cutest little snub nose.
I have some pictures for your perusal. Enjoy, I know I enjoyed seeing him.
He's holding one of the little whiffle ball scoop catchers. He scrunches his eyes up and waves his arm really fast to throw the ball. It's fun.
He loves driving trucks
He loves this little fire engine, he drives it around and says, "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."
He loved this little turning knobs at the park.
He's an excellent climber.
There was a pirate ship with little windows, he stood there and talked and talked to the outside of the window.
Jun 14, 2012
A Call to Arms.
I'm sure you have noticed that my blog more and more often is religious and has aspects of religion. Throughout the last six months, I have realized that everything has to do with the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Every moment of every day I see more and more the Hand of the Lord stretched out in my life and the lives of others. I see the blessings He lays right before our eyes in the hopes that we will see it too and turn to Him.
The truth is, we can no longer be complacent. This is a war! We have been saved for these last days because we are strong and we can make a difference is the war for souls. We no longer can sit still and allow others to perform the task of saving our brothers and sisters who are lost! We must decide now to fight, we must decided now what side we will choose. We have to extend our hands and bring back our sisters and our brothers. Too many have fallen away, and lost sight of the truth. Will we be selfish and not reach out our hands to bring peace and healing to our brothers and sisters! We are the elect! The Lord's chosen! We cannot sit around, we must not be still, we must cry out and bring the beautiful good news to all corners of the world! We must open our eyes to the suffering and sorrows that lay all around us, most importantly in the ones we love. We must support and carry each other, in our stakes, in our wards, in our families. We must reach out to friends and strangers, to loved ones and even to ourselves. The gospel is true. It is worth fighting for, so are you, and so are the souls of our brothers and sisters. We must be, or become the safe harbors for those who lost their way. Get back on the path! Hold firm to the rod! Let go of the dangerous traps and lures of Satan! This is a call to arms! And if you do not hear the call, who will?
Jun 11, 2012
T-minus 7 Days
It's safe to say I have many mixed emotions. As in my previous post, I am very sad to be leaving Kingman. Ever since January all I've wanted is to just leave and be rid of the burden I carried, and now, I will greatly miss this beautiful town with it's incredible people.
My mother told me, "I will be glad to see you go, but I will miss you a lot."
As with any adventure there is trepidation and excitement. I worry about going back and starting a fresh, and yet I welcome the challenge and the opportunities there. So many others have moved on, but so many friends are still there, ready to help me out if I need comforting. I am different than I was four, or even two years ago. I know my course, I know trials and adversity, I know the beautiful and merciful power of the Atonement, I know the kind side of man, I know the ache of longing, I know the pain of cruel words, I know who I am, I know the love of God for my fellow man, I have been caught up by the flame of truth, I know the destiny I wish to leave written on the stars, I know the path I want to take, I know the greatness I could achieve, I know God lives, I know He loves me, I know the loss of a close friend, I know the devastation of watching someone leave the truth, I know the broken hearted, I know the truly humble, and I know myself.
Yes, I am very different than I was, and thank God for that.
My mother told me, "I will be glad to see you go, but I will miss you a lot."
As with any adventure there is trepidation and excitement. I worry about going back and starting a fresh, and yet I welcome the challenge and the opportunities there. So many others have moved on, but so many friends are still there, ready to help me out if I need comforting. I am different than I was four, or even two years ago. I know my course, I know trials and adversity, I know the beautiful and merciful power of the Atonement, I know the kind side of man, I know the ache of longing, I know the pain of cruel words, I know who I am, I know the love of God for my fellow man, I have been caught up by the flame of truth, I know the destiny I wish to leave written on the stars, I know the path I want to take, I know the greatness I could achieve, I know God lives, I know He loves me, I know the loss of a close friend, I know the devastation of watching someone leave the truth, I know the broken hearted, I know the truly humble, and I know myself.
Yes, I am very different than I was, and thank God for that.
May 15, 2012
The Hulk
We all know the Hulk has some serious issues. As Iron Man put it, he " lose[s] control and turn[s] into a big huge rage monster." Lately I've felt a little of the stress Dr. Bruce Banner must feel as he holds in his anger. I've never been truly angry for longer than day, ever. And now I find myself battling it almost every day. It's only natural since it's one of the cycles of grieving. It has been the hardest cycle for me because I have been working hard since I was little to control my anger and being angry for so long makes me a little sick. I don't like the feeling and I do all I can to avoid it. But avoiding it isn't healthy, I need to face my anger and let it run it's course. I cannot let it control me, but I must control it. I don't have to let it ruin my day but nor do I need to bury it where it springs up unexpectedly.
So, yes. I am angry, I am furious. I was humiliated and lied to and I have every right to be angry. I placed my entire being in the care of someone I thought I could trust and I was betrayed. But, I find it interesting that love and anger can coexist. I always assumed that if you were angry, you must not love the person you were angry with. I mean true anger, like wanting to physically harm angry. But you can, and I do, love the person you are angry with. Anger is a natural human emotion. It needs to run it's course without running over you. As long as you have Christ by your side and His love for that person in your heart then anger can be good. I choose to allow myself to be angry. I choose to keep it controlled because I do not wish to hurt the object of my anger. I choose to be healthy in my expression. And I choose to forgive. Time will heal my wounds and I will be whole again. I just need to be patient. I don't love you like I used to, but I do still love you, it's just completely differently now.
So, yes. I am angry, I am furious. I was humiliated and lied to and I have every right to be angry. I placed my entire being in the care of someone I thought I could trust and I was betrayed. But, I find it interesting that love and anger can coexist. I always assumed that if you were angry, you must not love the person you were angry with. I mean true anger, like wanting to physically harm angry. But you can, and I do, love the person you are angry with. Anger is a natural human emotion. It needs to run it's course without running over you. As long as you have Christ by your side and His love for that person in your heart then anger can be good. I choose to allow myself to be angry. I choose to keep it controlled because I do not wish to hurt the object of my anger. I choose to be healthy in my expression. And I choose to forgive. Time will heal my wounds and I will be whole again. I just need to be patient. I don't love you like I used to, but I do still love you, it's just completely differently now.
Apr 8, 2012
Easter
Renewal, rebirth, redemption, rejoicing, reliving, resurrection, remade, remembered, returned, reflection. All these I associate with Easter. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we like to focus more on the Atonement and Christ's Resurrection than on his death, which is why we don't wear crosses or have crosses on our churches. Our message is hope and love and second, third, fourth, and fortieth chances. Christ suffered for us, died, and lived again all that we might return to live with our Heavenly Father and be truly happy once more.
I echo Elder Perry's sentiments that Jesus is the Christ. I know that the scriptures are true and they will lead us to true happiness. Test our words, read the Book of Mormon, pray to the Lord, what harm can it do? None, it can only bring great joy and happiness into your life as it has brought it into mine. The Lord loves you and is waiting for you to come unto Him and be perfected.
Nothing we can do is terrible that it cannot be washed away with the blood of the Lamb. No matter how far down the path we go, we can always turn back and climb upwards. The Lord has promised us this and He never breaks His promises. Who are we to question Him or deny His word? It is pride and foolishness that tell us we are the exceptions to His rules, that we are too broken for Him to fix us. If you put a limitation on yourself you put a limitation on the Lord's power. He has no limits on His power, there is NOTHING He cannot fix, and NO ONE He cannot save if they will turn to Him. We have to take that first step, but He will not leave us to walk alone, we will never walk alone.
I echo Elder Perry's sentiments that Jesus is the Christ. I know that the scriptures are true and they will lead us to true happiness. Test our words, read the Book of Mormon, pray to the Lord, what harm can it do? None, it can only bring great joy and happiness into your life as it has brought it into mine. The Lord loves you and is waiting for you to come unto Him and be perfected.
Feb 20, 2012
I Don't Even Know
Don't know what to call this, a ramble perhaps...
I have been through a hard time, I have, I know I'm not alone, there are many people who go through hard times, but... I have been through a hard time and I am still going through it. It's okay to admit that and acknowledge it.
The person who has helped me the most to go through this time? Maddie Lee. She has been my shoulder to cry on, my confidence when I had none, my comfort, my distraction from wanting to wallow, my dear, dear friend, my hope, my sister, my example, my voice of wisdom, and my constant supporter. When I am down and I want to stop fighting, she asks me why? and I realize that I don't want to quit fighting. When I am feeling like I am worth so little she shakes me and tells me I am worth so much. When I want to scream and yell she screams and yell right along with me. She has saved me and says she was only returning the favor.
Both of us have recently lost someone we love very much and have comforted each other and helped each other through it.
What are best friends for? Even if you haven't talked to them in a while. Best friends will always be there for you when you need them most.
Good luck on your mission you crazy awesome girl! I know you will be the best missionary you can be and you will give it your all. Look out Anchorage, Alaska mission!
I have been through a hard time, I have, I know I'm not alone, there are many people who go through hard times, but... I have been through a hard time and I am still going through it. It's okay to admit that and acknowledge it.
The person who has helped me the most to go through this time? Maddie Lee. She has been my shoulder to cry on, my confidence when I had none, my comfort, my distraction from wanting to wallow, my dear, dear friend, my hope, my sister, my example, my voice of wisdom, and my constant supporter. When I am down and I want to stop fighting, she asks me why? and I realize that I don't want to quit fighting. When I am feeling like I am worth so little she shakes me and tells me I am worth so much. When I want to scream and yell she screams and yell right along with me. She has saved me and says she was only returning the favor.
Both of us have recently lost someone we love very much and have comforted each other and helped each other through it.
What are best friends for? Even if you haven't talked to them in a while. Best friends will always be there for you when you need them most.
Good luck on your mission you crazy awesome girl! I know you will be the best missionary you can be and you will give it your all. Look out Anchorage, Alaska mission!
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