Dying With Dignity

I have started to consider vlogging. But until I can figure out how to make my videos work....
I am not dying, but my father is.
September 2014
Through treatment of a kidney stone, my father found out he had kidney cancer. An easy fix with a simple surgery.
January 2015
During a full body scan, necessary because of the kidney cancer, a second form of cancer was found in his lungs. Non-small cell lung cancer. This was not a mutated form of the kidney cancer, but a separate cancer entirely. When we found out, we joked with him that maybe he should go to Vegas and play the lottery since his chances were phenomenal.
Surgery was scheduled for removal of the kidney cancer and the spot of lung cancer.
2015 - 2016
Though my father was somewhat tired, he responded remarkably well to surgery and the chemo and radiation that followed. Chemo and radiation were needed because the lung cancer reacted to the air and spots appeared all over his lungs. His breathing was more labored, but otherwise he was a picture of health.
April 2016
The lung cancer was back and treatments of pills began. Again, though tired, he was up and moving and in otherwise good health. The doctors predicted he had a few years left.
August 2016
He was going home from work one day and stopped at Wal-Mart to pick up some prescriptions, which likely saved his life. He collapsed in the store and awoke to a stranger cradling his head. Had he driven home, he might have ended up in a car accident. An MRI revealed too many lesions in his head to count.
After much discussion, my parents decided to move forward with radiation to the head. This treatment was to continue for two weeks.
Around this time my father's appetite and desire to consume any food at all dropped off. He ate only because and when my mother insisted. Which was a sign of approaching death. The body knows it is dying and it shuts down the less important life systems. At the end of his radiation treatment, my husband and I came to visit. My father was deeply depressed and in a very dark place. He had contemplated suicide as far as knowing how he would go, but knew that would be unfair for my mother. It was heartbreaking to see him so despondent. But no one could fault him, was it due to the concoction of chemicals being pumped through his system? Was it the many lesions pressing on who knows what part of the brain? Was it just the knowledge of what he was going through? It was hard to tell. That was three weeks ago.
September 26, 2016
At night, after my father knelt in prayer, he could not stand up and my mother could not get him up. After 45 minutes of trying, she called a friend to help her.
September 27, 2016
She called her doctors and was told to bring him into the ER, because it wasn't the radiation that had weakened him so much. Though I can't deny that doctors do much for us, I also find my biases mainly against them, for reasons like the following.
Once in the hospital the medical staff honed in on the fact that my father was depressed and they told my mother that they would like to put him in a psych hospital in Vegas or Tucson. How foolish! My mother was furious and abjectly refused. The social worker told her that after watching her interact with him he knew that wasn't the problem. They continued to look for solutions.
September 29, 2016
Someone on the ER staff decided to release my father back into my mother's care. She was irritated with the lack of care as he had become incontinent and was lying in his own urine for who knows how long. She again had to call on the help of a friend to get my father from the car into the house.
September 30, 2016
My mother was able to get my father cleaned and showered. He told her that he had to use the toilet. After standing in front of it for quite a while, he started to wobble. Then he fell, smacking his head on the closet behind him and sliding to the floor with his legs straddling the toilet. My mom lost control at that point and had to go to another room to sob uncontrollably, knowing that she would not be able to get him up without help. After she had regained control, she called her fireman friend to assist her once more.
They returned to the ER, refused the mandatory tests on admittance, and met with the doctor who had admitted them previously. The doctor informed her that he was surprised to find my parents had left. He did not believe my father would leave the hospital at all.
That evening my parents were told that it was likely over, there must be cancer cells in the spine, and they would be released to hospice care. A total and enveloping peace surrounded them. They knew this was right.
A later MRI showed there were no cancer cells in the spine. My parent were told my father might yet live another year or two. Confusion and pain settled on my parents. A series of tests jerked my parents back and forth as each day they were told something different. When they were told it was over, peace settled on them. When they were told it wasn't, confusion and turmoil enveloped them.
October 5, 2016
Their radiology oncologist returned from his 10 day vacation and ordered an MRI of the lumbar region of the spine. It revealed the spine wrapped in a mass of tumors. No wonder my father couldn't always stand. No wonder he was weak. My mother was taken aside and told they could no longer do anything for Dad, only to him. She felt peace once more enshroud her.
October 6, 2016
My father was released home to hospice in the care of my mother. Myself and two of my brothers traveled home, they for the weekend, and I until my mother no longer needed me. Hospice means that you are sent home to allow nature to take its course. No more pick lines, saline drips or hospital machines keeping you alive. There are medications to ease your pain and your passing.
And now
As I write, my father is on the last stage of his life. He hasn't eaten in 10 days, he hasn't had any liquids since Monday, his breathing is ragged, and he no longer responds to touch. He may last minutes, or hours, or, quite possibly, days. We just don't know his timing.
This experience of helping my mother care for him has been sacred and beautiful. To care for someone who has cared for me my entire life is truly humbling. I have never felt more love for my parents than I do at this moment.  Our nurse asked me Tuesday if my father is still teaching me, if he is teaching me to die with dignity?
Yes. He has been so calm through this whole process. He does everything he can to assist my mother and myself in caring for him. It isn't much, but it's all he has. He is dying with dignity, just as he lived with dignity. We did not always get along, but as I grew older I learned to appreciate all that my father has given me, all he has taught me. And in this time, so many are coming to visit or calling my mother to tell her how much they love my father.
That man truly lived and truly loved.

Going to the Temple

I am going through the temple. January 19th. This Saturday. I can't even express the incredible joy I feel for this upcoming event. It's like all of my life has come to this pinnacle. I just feel filled with joy and boundless happiness. I get so excited that I randomly shout, "10 Days!!!!!!" or "3 Days!!!!!" at random strangers then giggle delightedly to myself. I can hardly believe I'm going, it's like I'm in a dream. I can't concentrate on anything, and my very first grades are suffering a little. Oops. I know I will be fine after this weekend, but I just can't concentrate right now.

I am going to the temple. I have been waiting for this since I was a little girl, it has been more important to me than pretty much everything. I'm glad I am going just to go through and not to prepare for a mission or before getting married. It means I have time to reveal in the simple beauty and wonder of the temple itself. I am coming home. Home. It's where I belong.

Cutest Boy Ever

I got to spend an entire day with my favorite nephew! And even though he is my only nephew is the most adorable incredible child ever! He's 13 mo and the happiest child I have ever met, he only cried when he fell down a couple times. And no, I was not being negligent, he was just being a little boy. I'm amazed at the number of times they can fall down and be totally fine. I suppose babies are so resilient because they have to be.
We went to the park and he was so cute playing on the playground equipment. He absolutely loves cars and he is really good at rolling his "r"s and imitating an actual engine. He has bright blonde hair and an incredible smile. He looks are great deal like both his mother and his father. He has the cutest little snub nose.
I have some pictures for your perusal. Enjoy, I know I enjoyed seeing him.

He's holding one of the little whiffle ball scoop catchers. He scrunches his eyes up and waves his arm really fast to throw the ball. It's fun.

He loves driving trucks

He loves this little fire engine, he drives it around and says, "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."

He loved this little turning knobs at the park.

He's an excellent climber.

There was a pirate ship with little windows, he stood there and talked and talked to the outside of the window.

A Call to Arms.

I'm sure you have noticed that my blog more and more often is religious and has aspects of religion. Throughout the last six months, I have realized that everything has to do with the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Every moment of every day I see more and more the Hand of the Lord stretched out in my life and the lives of others. I see the blessings He lays right before our eyes in the hopes that we will see it too and turn to Him.

The truth is, we can no longer be complacent. This is a war! We have been saved for these last days because we are strong and we can make a difference is the war for souls. We no longer can sit still and allow others to perform the task of saving our brothers and sisters who are lost! We must decide now to fight, we must decided now what side we will choose. We have to extend our hands and bring back our sisters and our brothers. Too many have fallen away, and lost sight of the truth. Will we be selfish and not reach out our hands to bring peace and healing to our brothers and sisters! We are the elect! The Lord's chosen! We cannot sit around, we must not be still, we must cry out and bring the beautiful good news to all corners of the world! We must open our eyes to the suffering and sorrows that lay all around us, most importantly in the ones we love. We must support and carry each other, in our stakes, in our wards, in our families. We must reach out to friends and strangers, to loved ones and even to ourselves. The gospel is true. It is worth fighting for, so are you, and so are the souls of our brothers and sisters. We must be, or become the safe harbors for those who lost their way. Get back on the path! Hold firm to the rod! Let go of the dangerous traps and lures of Satan! This is a call to arms! And if you do not hear the call, who will?

Easter

Renewal, rebirth, redemption, rejoicing, reliving, resurrection, remade, remembered, returned, reflection. All these I associate with Easter. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we like to focus more on the Atonement and Christ's Resurrection than on his death, which is why we don't wear crosses or have crosses on our churches. Our message is hope and love and second, third, fourth, and fortieth chances. Christ suffered for us, died, and lived again all that we might return to live with our Heavenly Father and be truly happy once more.

Nothing we can do is terrible that it cannot be washed away with the blood of the Lamb. No matter how far down the path we go, we can always turn back and climb upwards. The Lord has promised us this and He never breaks His promises. Who are we to question Him or deny His word? It is pride and foolishness that tell us we are the exceptions to His rules, that we are too broken for Him to fix us. If you put a limitation on yourself you put a limitation on the Lord's power. He has no limits on His power, there is NOTHING He cannot fix, and NO ONE He cannot save if they will turn to Him. We have to take that first step, but He will not leave us to walk alone, we will never walk alone.

I echo Elder Perry's sentiments that Jesus is the Christ. I know that the scriptures are true and they will lead us to true happiness. Test our words, read the Book of Mormon, pray to the Lord, what harm can it do? None, it can only bring great joy and happiness into your life as it has brought it into mine. The Lord loves you and is waiting for you to come unto Him and be perfected.

Radio Star

My youngest brother is ... how do I put it lightly ... AMAZING! He is incredibly talented and he just puts his head down and does what he wants. The latest amazing talent? Poetry reading, that's right, poetry reading and when he starts the whole audience is captivated by his voice. Don't believe me? Oh well, Believe you me! He has the deepest, richest bass voice I have ever heard, and it is even more awe-inspiring considering it comes from a 17 year old! He's been told several times he could be a radio announcer. It's soooo true!

I had to get a picture with him before he went on stage to win the hearts of the audience and judges for regional competition.

All the competitors for regionals and a highly talented group of you adults. The third from the left, the girl behind the announcer and the girl on the far end were the only ones to move on to the state competition. But, we heard from one judge that Alec was her favorite and he should have been the one going to state... The rules are a little bit more than powerful stage presence though, one slip up could cost you the title.

All the family, teachers, and friends who drove two hours just to hear my little brother recite poetry. And yes, he was awesome and better than one girl (who will remain unidentified) that moved on. But hey, sometimes failure is good. We have to learn we can't win all the time... Right? Next year bud, you'll be a national champ next year.

In Whom Do You Trust

In whom do you trust? In whom do you trust? In whom do you trust? In whom do you trust? Any way you ask me that question I know my answer.

Healing

Everyone wants to be healed and whole and happy. It is the deepest human desire and one that is often challenged and pushed aside when aches and pains rear their heads. Sometimes we try to heal ourselves, and for the little hurts, it works, but sometimes it's like putting a band-aid on a broken heart. We can only do so much for ourselves before we are overwhelmed and turn to despair. We can try to bury it, but it will never truly leave us alone and affects us even when we are unaware. We cannot and should not go through this life alone. God put us in families and gave us the desire to be loved and needed for a reason. He also gave us the beautiful tool of prayer. When all else fails, He will not, He will not. It is we that distance ourselves from Him, He will never turn away from us, never tell us we don't matter, never deny us His outstretched arms, never betray us, never do anything that is not for our good, and never allow us to be given more than we can handle.
He gives us angels in our families and in our lives around us, people to hold us in their arms when we need it most. Counsel to help us through our darkest times. Eyes to see what was so crucial for us that we could not see. Ears to listen when we need to tell our deepest desires. Love to comfort us and let us know that we are not worthless or hopeless or wrong. No matter what we do we can be whole again, no matter what we experience or what others do to us, we can be whole.
But the Lord will never take away our agency. We have to want to be whole, we have to come to others, to open up our vulnerability and let others know that we are not perfect. Which is almost silly because no one, save Christ alone, is perfect. "Everybody's got stuff." Trusting others is hard and frightening, but the peace and healing that comes from it is worth everything. The Atonement is real, all our pains can be swallowed up and we can be whole. Truly completely whole. All we have to do is let Him in, open our hearts and lean on others. That's why we are here, to lean on each other, everybody needs somebody.

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one,     not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God’s will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness…We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as a way in which they should break, so be it.What I know about love and believe about love and giving ones heart began in this. - C. S. Lewis

People keep asking me how marriage life is treating me, it drives me nutz! Especially because most of the people asking me are/have been married. I want to say, "You know! You've been there! Why are you asking me?" Marriage is frustrating, hard, stressful, annoying, angering and the best choice I ever made in my life. I couldn't be happier even though every often I want to scream or cry. I have never loved another person as much as I love my husband and every time I do scream or cry it only intensifies my love for him. It's actually interesting how that works, the more you go through for the ones you love, the more you love them.
But love is more than the feelings you get when he walks in the room, or he holds your hand or kisses you ever so gently, or passionately. It's a choice and a feeling that feed off each other, the more you choose to love, the more the feeling grows, and the more the feeling grows the more you choose to love. And if you ever stop choosing to love, the feeling grows less until you remember that love is hard work. It is support when you really would rather do your own thing. It is knowing that he and you both have flaws that just might drive one another absolutely crazy, but that you are loved in spite of the those. It is being there when he is going through a hard time, just being there and letting him know the love you have has not, and will not ever, lessen. It is knowing that he will be there for you when you are in the darkest hour of need. It is knowing that you might have to sacrifice the movie you really want to see or the party you might right want to go to just so he knows that you would rather spend your days by his side.
And most importantly it is being open. Without open communication and trust marriage cannot work. He needs to know when you are upset, and when you are happy, how much it means to you, and why. You cannot hold onto those things that bother you and think they will go away, they don't. You also cannot blame him for everything, you are causing at least 50% of the problem (if not more!). He is trying too and you are doing things that bother him too. Trust him, open your heart to him, tell him your fears, joys, hopes, dreams, and wishes. Just sit and talk, or sit in silence and enjoy one another's company. Making him happy is (and should be if it's not) your number one focus, nothing matters more than your marriage. Nothing. Don't forget, he wants to make you happy too.
It's hard work at first, and may be (most likely will be) for the rest of your life. But it is so rewarding. I regret nothing and would do it all over if I had the choice.

The Wind and her Cries

Listening to the wind literally howl right outside my door this morning made me think about how people used to tell stories to explain nature, well, here's my simple attempt.

"Grandpa! Grandpa! Where are you?" he raced through the old large house desperate to find the wisest man in the whole world.
"I'm here Son. What's wrong?" As the old man stepped out of his bedroom the little boy felt relief sigh through him. All was right with the world when he was in those strong old arms. No one was better at making him feel protected than Grandpa and his parents. The child clung to him for a few minutes before explaining to him about the monster in his bedroom. It kept shrieking words that the boy couldn't understand and frightening him. The wise man followed back through the large house until they reached the room the little child was sleeping in. The wind whipped the trees into a frenzy outside and it's icy fingers searched for a crack in the window.
"That sound you hear is the wind searching for her long lost lover." His grandchild could feel a story forming behind that first sentence so he let Grandpa tuck him back into the large bed next to his favorite stuffed tiger. "Many years ago, back when God had first formed the world, there was a young girl more beautiful than any alive today (except your grandmother, no one is more beautiful than she). Wind was happy and danced every where, seeming lighter than the air we breathe. Then she met a handsome young man whose bright blue eyes melted her heart and made her happier than she'd ever been before, he was gentle and loving always striving to make her happy. The two fell in love from their very first meeting and from then on nothing could separate the two. They were both very happy for years and would have been so forever had young Sun not also been in love with the girl. He was very strong and had a magical power over her. She was drawn to him, but why she knew not. He could be gentle and sweet, but was more often harsh and unforgiving. She knew she loved the first young man more, but when she was around Sun, his power weakened her and eventually when she was in his presence she forgot her first love. Sun did all he could to keep Wind beside him because he knew when he left, she would run away with her true love. One night while Sun was sleeping, her true love came and stole Wind  away, trying to escape before Sun awoke. They almost made it away, but a servant woke him and warned him of the lovers flight. In his wrath Sun tracked them down and dueled the young man. Sun was strong, but the young man had a just cause and he gained the upper hand. About to deal the blow that would free the two lovers, he was turned aside by Wind. She plead for Sun's life and explained how much she loved him. Again under Sun's power Wind forgot her love and her heartlessness broke the young man's heart. With no reason to stay, the young man left. Wind never saw him again and she searches for him still. In the summer she dances and plays for the Sun, sweet and gentle, doing all he bids her. When clouds cover the Sun and in the winter Wind remembers her true love and races through the world trying to find the one who made her truly happy, wishing to tell him how wrong she was and how much she truly love him and none other.
"Don't be afraid of her cries, she doesn't wish to harm anyone, she is only crying for the one she loves. She tell him that she still loves him and hopes he will come back to her." 
Grandpa's voice faded in the darkness and he and the little boy sat in silence for a moment.
"I hope she finds him. Do you think she will?"
"I don't know Son. I believe in happy endings, I believe she will find her lover someday, but I don't know."
"She'll find him. Good always wins. Goodnight Grandpa, thanks for the story."
"Goodnight my boy. You are welcome. Sleep tight."
"And Grandpa,"
"Yes?"
"I'll never forget that I love you, no matter what."
"And I'll never forget how much I love you too. No matter what."

9/10/11 12:00

Yes, we are that cool that we were married on 9-10-11-12! And the day was PERFECT!!!! From the Saturday (9/3/11) we arrived in New York to the Thursday two days before the wedding it rained constantly, alternating between pouring and drizzling, but it was basically constant. Then, Thursday night it cleared, Friday the sky was only half full of clouds that didn't rain, and Saturday was a cloudless beautiful.
Friday was the rehearsal at the golf course gazebo and as you can see it was pretty much the perfect setting. A gazebo amongst greenery with a lake in the background, what more could a girl ask for without actually being able to scout out sites?

Here we all are, you can't really see the lake, but no worries, it will show up later. The whole time we stood up there I was thinking, this is going to be a really nice wedding for someone, everyone looks so nice. It just didn't feel real to me. It was a little amusing I have to admit because it really was for me, it was real, and it was most definitely happening.

Here we are listening to speeches (I was really grateful I didn't have to give one, I'm terrible at speeches). One from my father and one from Bryan's. The adorable little guy you see down there is Bryan's (and now my) nephew, Chase. He is a little ball of energy, he makes all of us run around in circles and when one of us gets tired he makes someone else run with him.

The girls entering the limo the next morning. It was my first time riding a limo, I was very excited. I had to be the last in and last out though.

Bryan, Craig (Bryan's father), and me after the ceremony.

The whole bridal party. From left to right: Autumn (my matron of Honor), Kelli, Erin, Emily, Kelly (in back), Cate (in back), Me, Bryan, Brad (in back), Kurt, Brian, George (in back), Brett

My new sisters! Both of whom I love! Cate, me, Kelly

Me and my family. Seth, Mom, Dad, me, Bryan, Autumn, Derrick holding Edison, their son.

 

That says it all.

Isn't the cake beautiful!

Good ole cake smashing. :) He got it up my nose if you couldn't tell, gross. Yes, it certainly was.

Our first dance. "I have and I Always Will" by Dave Barnes

Father/Daughter dance. "Butterfly Kisses." Yes, we did both bawl our eyes out. The wedding wasn't really real to me until my father walked into the bridal room. Then it was suddenly real to me.

Love, love, love, love this picture!

Me and my girls all previous roommates. Erin, me, Kelli, Emily

I couldn't raise my arms as high as everyone else.

A yellow fuzzy worm that Kelli found and put on her bouquet. We're passing it from my bouquet to hers.

My first nephew, Edison Byron. Isn't he adorable? I thought so too. I had to be really careful though because he had been spitting up all day. Don't you just love babies?

Best day ever!!!!!!

A Little Different

I noticed that a few of my friends started out their most recent posts with apologies for neglecting their blogs. :) I understand as I have not been as attentive as I should to my own.

I am getting married in a day less than two weeks.

Answers to frequently asked questions:

Yes, I am crazy excited and a tiny bit nervous.

Yes, I realize it is a huge change and I am enormously excited to tackle the challenge. I love challenge because it means I get to grow and become better.

We are going to live where we are now because we both have jobs here.

The wedding plans are coming along just as they should and I have had very little stress to deal with (minus the initial not wanting to make decisions stress).

His father is officiating the ceremony as he is a Justice of the Peace.

We will be getting seal in the Draper Temple within the year.

He is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me and I do love him more than life itself.

I am 21, he is 29. Nope, I don't think I'm too young and I don't think that is too big of an age gap.

We met through a mutual friend and just sparked it off a little while later.

I am getting married literally across the country because that is where his family is, and it is so much prettier in New York than it is in Arizona in the Fall.

Another change that has happened is that I'm an aunt! My younger brother has gone to college. My dear friend from college is getting married in a little more than a month. I found a job at the high school. I am more comfortable with myself now than I have ever been. My almost sister (we're practically family anyway) moved away to go to college two hours away, not too bad if you ask me. I will be moving out of my parent's house for the last time.

All of these changes are good and I am glad they are happening. I especially love my job even though it makes me grind my teeth and wish smacking were legal in schools. I tip my hat to all those who work with special education and thrive on it. You are amazing super humans and you are underappreciated. But that is a post for another time. I promise I will be better.

Trial of your Faith

I do not like to plan. Ever. I don't like making big decisions. I like to work in the background and offer suggestions but I do not like to plan. Which is unfortunate because weddings take a lot of planning. And, of course, since it's my wedding I have to make a lot of decisions. Ewww! On top of that our wedding is literally across the country. So I have little to no knowledge of anything that goes on over there. Luckily for me I have a very decisive efficient man as my better half. He easily finds the best deals on wedding things and his family lives back there so at least we aren't working from nothing. It works out though, he makes decisions and I change them to my liking. Works like a charm.
I also tend to get very stressed out when I have to make decisions. So lately, I have been less then my peppy cheerful self. Oddly enough Bryan didn't think I was that different, which means I am either really good at controling my stress or he seems to think I'm a serious crab all the time. I like the first one, but I'm not so sure I like the second... Fingers crossed.
I finally asked my dad for a blessing and after that everything fell into place. I was offered a job at the local high school which means I will have the same days off as Bryan. I knew everything was going to be okay. It's like the Lord was just waiting for me to ask for help. I swear He does that for me all the time. All you have to do is ask. How simple is that? Just ask. I'm learning. Slowly but surely. I'm learning.

At Long Last

BEST WEEKEND EVER!!!!!

I know I say that all the time but seriously, the best weekend! Bryan was baptized On Saturday May 21, 2011 at 9:00AM in the Rutherford Church, Kingman, AZ by Michael Gibelyou. Such a happy day and one that will hold a special place in my heart for the rest of time. I always knew it was going to happen but it is so wonderful that it finally arrived.

Jordan Grimmer gave the talk on baptism and did a splendid job. My phone went off (to a really annoying ring tone), much to my embarrassment... Opps. It was my calendar telling me Bryan was getting baptized. Like I didn't know or would ever forget. My father baptized him, gently. And Brett Hale gave the talk on the Holy Ghost. Brett, Grimmer, myself, Jesse and Maddi Peterson, and Katherine Welch sang the Armies of Helamen/Sisters in Zion medley and it was beautiful. Then Bishop Miller welcomed him to the ward and the meeting ended. There was a wide variety of ages and people attending. There were children from his classes with their parents, some people from his ward, his friends from Young Single Adults, his friends from Utah (Grimmer, Katherine and me), his friends outside the church, and my family. Bryan has support from so many different people because he touches the lives of so many people and always for the better.

Bryan with the missionaries.

Elder Berryhill, Elder Lindsey, Dad, Bryan, Me, Brett

It has been a while coming and Bryan was a dry member anyway. It was so surreal to me because it didn't feel like it was necessary. But I can truly say I've seen a change for the better in Bryan since the beginning of his trip down this road. He is changed and has become an even better man than I have ever known. I feel so lucky to have him in my life. One fish in the sea.

Sunday He was confirmed in a scorching meeting room where I almost passed out, I swear! And then during priesthood meeting that same day he was ordained a priest. If that isn't testimony enough to the character of this man I don't know what is.

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!

Thanks for the adventure Babe, You are my favorite.

What a Blessing

To listen to the words of the Lord every six months. To be filled with the wisdom and knowledge from above. To have eternal truth shared with us and taught to us. To know that our Lord loves us because He chooses to share this with us. To be surrounded by friends and family and share the spirit that undeniably exists when those prophetic men and women speak. To tangibly feel their love and concern for us. To know they do pray about us and want the best for us. To be touched when the subject they speak on hits upon the exact circumstances in your and my life. To know that your prayers have been answered and the Lord is very, very mindful of you..

What a blessing.

This General Conference I had the opportunity to actually be in the Conference center for the first time in my life. It was an experience that I reveled in and greatly enjoyed. The best part was, I was only eleven rows away from the prophet, and some odd feet because I was off to the far left. They were so close and so real. It was a beautiful blessing to be so near the prophet of the Lord and to feel of his presence.

Onto the funny stories. Heh heh heh. Katherine and I found parking and proceeded to walk toward the Conference Center when we were approached by a man and asked "Do you have any extra tickets?" This in itself is not funny. I just so happened to noticed his hair... He was balding and had the monk ring around his head with a balding top AND a tuft of hair right smack in the center of his forehead. When he turned and jogged toward the person in front of us, almost running into the trees on the side of the road, I burst into laughter because even better than his hairstyle was that the tuft of hair stood straight up when he ran. I dub thee Quail Man. Yes, I know I'm a terrible person, I simply could not contain my laughter.

Then I got felt up by a missionary. Not really. His hand just so happened to swing right into the path of my thigh as we were weaving through people trying to find the right doors. Me, being my dramatic self gasped aloud. Katherine just started cracking up.

Katherine and I are slightly bizarre under any circumstance and down right ridiculous under and circumstance when we are together. I apologized to the man in front of us.

"We aren't usually like this." Then I stared at him until he realized I was talking to him.

"Why? You should be like this all the time."

"If we were honest, we'd admit we are like this all the time." Katherine interjected.

"But only in public." I clarified.

"Absolutely! Share it with others!" The large man told us. Yeah, he's cool.

ON the way home I was conversing with Katherine when something moved on her seat. Here was my reaction to that thing I was very certain was a bug with far too many legs.

"Yeah, so they were like, AAAAAAHHH! Oh, just kidding." The bug turned out to be a piece of lint with hairs attached to it. No cause for alarm. But it could have killed me if it hadn't been a piece of lint.

Communication, communication is key. The only way to not... is to not... Hmm? Yes...

Hopefully you understood my reference, if not then I will simply tell you to avoid confusion and promote communication... She's the Man! Yes, I did change a word, but I feel like it totally works.

Communication is so important. So important. Especially with those you are closest to. It is so easy to let a misunderstanding drive you crazy and further away from them. Speak up! Let your thoughts be known, explain why you feel the way you do. Perhaps you will find that what they said and what they meant don't actually meet up with what you think they meant. No person is the same, and the greatest mistake we can make is to unjustly misunderstand another.

Find out what the person you are talking to is really saying, ask them why they think that way, find out what they really mean. It will draw you so much closer. Understanding is what creates closeness in relationships. Misunderstanding is what creates wedges and discontent. Often the person does not mean offense in what they are saying.

And remember, "Communication, communication is key... The only way to not... is to... not."

Personally... I'm impatient

So people are posting one of these a day for 30 days. But, I'm impatient... So I'll just give it to you all at once!

Day 1 - 5 Things about me no one knows:

1. I used to be a very insecure person with a very bold personality.

2. When I was a child I used to get a thrill from stealing candy from my family and not getting caught.

3. I am actually afraid of a good deal of things. I just never let anyone see.

4. I still wish vampires were real.

5. I face away from the shower head so I can see the door and make sure no one walks in on me.

Day 2 - A picture of you last year and now and how you have changed since then

Halloween last year After Christmas shopping

Hmmm, still have a flare for the theatrical.... Perhaps a little less dramatic though. My hair is no longer black. I have matured and expanded my view. Spending 9 months at home serving other people does that to you.
Day 3 - A favorite photo:

look at us awesome creepers

Day 4 - Something I crave: books, Salt & Vinegar Chips, friendship, excitement
Day 5 - Top 10 pet peeves:

1. condescension (I will mentally mock you)

2. telling me what to think

3. telling others what to think

4. that snorting noise when someone clears their nose (not nose blowing though)

5. someone else eating my food without my permision

6. people who slack off at work

7. treating me like a child

8. video games

9. talking more than the teacher

10. freaking out about small stuff

Day 6 - Something I bought recently: fruit loops, salt water taffy; clementines; fruit snacks
Day 7 - Something I want to buy:a brightly colored motorcycle
Day 8 - A favorite song: Any song my man sends me currently "Make You Feel My Love" by Adele
Day 9 - A favorite movie: Inception; Ever After
Day 10 - A favorite food: Beef Stroganoff
Day 11 - A favorite book: The Morning Gift by Eva Ibbotson
Day 12 - A favorite quote: Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive.
Day 13 - What did you do today??: Went to the temple, auditioned for a play, homework
Day 14 - Your dream house...: A small yet elegant home. Red brick with wood trimming, a basement, a turret, and a floor to ceiling library for me to store my books. And a quaint garden out back. But really, any place with my family and my love.
Day 15 - Next 3 on “Bucket List”: wing suit diving, hunting, live 1yr or 6mo in Austraila, Ireland or Scottland.
Day 16 - A photo of my family:

Day 17 - A habit you wish you didn't have: eating while I read. It will most likely lead to an exponential gain in weight when my metabolism slows down. Granted it has already done so. Thank heavens for yoga and a HUGE campus.
Day 18 - Put your iPod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up:

1.Make You Feel My Love - Adele

2. Nintey and Nine - Michael McLean

3. Don't forget my Unicorn - Irish Rovers

4. Stay Beautiful - Taylor Swift

5. Which Part is Mine - Michael McLean

6. The Saltwater Room - Owl City

7. Whataya Want From Me - Adam Lambert

8. Black & Gold - Sam Sparrow

9. Sunray Smile - Amber Van Vleet

10. Vincent - Josh Groban

Day 19 - A hobby of mine: trying new random things
Day 20 - A favorite recipe: cheesy chicken and potato with mushrooms
Day 21 - Nicknames I have, and why I have them...:

Bad T - I was an amazing badminton player once upon a time

Tigger - I have a tiggerish personality

Babybot - My older brother was Tigerbot

Teags - It sounds cool

Tegan the Vegan - it helps people remember my name

Tegelstien - Ask Ali on that one

Teggles - Not sure

Penguin - :)

Love - :)

Day 22 - A favorite Youtube video: Kids History (Don't punch... ... our car)
Day 23 - A travel story: On the way to Bullhead the ten people in my car agreed that it should become a party wagon with neon lights a disco ball and a bed and we could call it the shaggin wagon... I secretly vetoed that idea, except the neon lights and disco ball
Day 24 - Something that makes you feel better... : The words "I love you." spoken to me with absolute sincerity and feeling. Food, food is always a happy thing. The temple. My best friends, yes I have 2, so sue me.
Day 25 A funny (true) story: My life. :) I spent the first hour of the 2011 New Year in a car with broken doors that had to be held closed. I also broke the passenger side door handle, well, actually it didn't break, it s h a t t e r e d in my hands. And me, being me, laughed really hard because it was funny and I was nervous.
Day 26 - A child I love: I have to pick one? Kelly, Cody, Chase, and Rachel (all adorable children)
Day 27 - A place I love: BYU, the mountains
Day 28 - A person I love: brYan
Day 29 - Testimony: I know the gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true, Joseph Smith is a true prophet. The Book of Mormon is the word of God. Thomas S. Monson is the prophet of God on the earth today. My Heavenly Father loves me. Jesus Christ died for my sins.
Day 30 - Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days: Finish as much school as possible, maybe even graduate next April. Possibly buy a car. Hold my nephew in my arms. Meet my boyfriend's family. Finish at least one of the many stories I've started. Share the gospel as much as possible even though I am not going on a mission. Continue loving my favorite person and best friend.

Update

I love avoiding homework, don't you? I've got about a million pages to read and write reports on, but here I am keeping you updated on my life.

• I have my first boyfriend that I love. Yes, love, straight up in a non platonic, very romantic way. He is the most amazing fantastic perfect person ever. He is also far too good to me, and makes me the happiest person in the world. I love it. I love him.
• I no longer have a facebook account.
• I am anxiously awaiting the birth of my nephew. Granted it's four months away, but four months is no time at all.
• I am back at BYU and absolutely loving, loving, loving all of my classes and the homework I have to do (even though I am avoiding it, I still love that I have it, it increases my learning)
• I have a job as an appeals secretary in the Harold B. Lee Library and I enjoy it immensely.
• I am living in an apartment two doors down from my old one.
• I have three amazing new roommates who make me laugh more and more each time I am with them.
• I am taking a country western dance class and wheezing for breath every time it's over.
• I am giving a talk in church on Sunday.
• I am eating a hollow chocolate Santa
• I am no longer considering a mission. After long hours of contemplation and prayer I have realized that it simply isn't the right choice for me. And though I am slightly saddened I know I have made the right choice and I don't regret it.

There you are, my life up 'til now. I am so grateful to the Lord for the gospel because it makes me life exciting, ever changing, peaceful and very happy. I am also grateful for the people in my life, I would be nothing without you.

Promises

I hold promises very seriously. At least my own. I hate when promises are broken and I have learned to take my promises as contracts of a sort. More than just words spoken to make someone feel better. Even the casually spoken promises have become more binding to me. I feel so... unclean... unworthy.. when I break the promises I make to others. Granted there are circumstances that prevent the promiser from fulfilling her promise. Life changes and the situations change, I am beginning to accept and understand this more fully.

I am more careful about the promises I make, I don't like to promise what I can't fulfill. Even if I really want to make a promise, if I know that there is a possibility I can't do it, I am very reluctant to give it. So if I don't promise something to you, even lightly, don't take it that I don't want to promise it. Take it that I don't know if I can follow through with it, given circumstances.

Reasons

Reasons I LOVE my brothers.

Kevin: "Man, my stomach hurt during soccer practice, I was so full from eating all those snacks after giving blood."

Mom: "You're only supposed to have A cookie, A!"

Kevin: "I had to make sure that I replenished all the iron and stuff, You don't want me to pass out do you?!"

Alec: "You should be careful about having too much iron in your blood."

Tegan :"Yeah, you can't get rid of it every month."

Alec: ...

Alec: "I was going to say you don't want Magneto to come after you."