Prepping Again

Toxicity questionnaire! I forgot to record this yesterday, so I'll record it today instead. For the detox that I am doing, there is a questionnaire about symptoms that affect me. These are numerical to note how grievously affect my body is by the foods I consume. I won't note the symptoms, just the totals.

t9, t3, t10, t9, t10, t6 t5, t7, t10, t1, t3, t7, t0, t5, t4 = 89

So pretty bad actually.

Measurements

Weight: 153.4

Height: 5'8 1/2" (I won't add this any more).

Waist: 36"

Hips: 39 1/2"

Thighs: 24 1/2"

No exercise as of yet today. But there was a pot luck at work and I did not overeat. Yay!

So overall not too much better than yesterday. But tomorrow is another day. 

Back Again

Yes, I know it's been over a year... Sorry about that. I just didn't feel that I needed it. Either that or I was too lazy. You can choose. :)

So, I will be doing a 10 detox starting Monday May 9th. I was going to go through this processes roughly two years ago with my mother and brother but didn't have the will power to do so. Now I do. This will be my detox journal because it will help motivate me to do what needs to be done.
The first thing to start with is answering the questions from the detox book.
1. Why am I doing this detox? What is my dream for my body and my life that this detox will make possible?
I am doing this detox to purge my body of the junk I've eaten over the years, to help me become more healthy and to stop fighting my body. I have had gas for a large portion of my life, once so painful I thought there was something seriously wrong with me and visited a few doctors only to find out it was gas. How embarrasing... So, I want to reset my body's health and find out what is adversely affecting me. I want more energy and strength and this detox will help my body re-calibrate and get onto a healthy and stronger track. And lastly, I want to get a healthy body so that I can be healthy and strong and provide the nutrients a baby may need. I'm not pregnant, but I would like to be soon.
2. What are 3 specific goals I have for these days?
Wake early, prep meals in the evenings, gain control over my desires to eat.
3. What are the top 3 things holding me back from losing weight?
My love of taste and consuming way too much when I find one I like. My aversion to exercise even though I know I feel better and even enjoy exercising. My lack of control over eating even when I'm not hungry because I am 1) bored, 2) reading, 3) watching Eliot/anyone eating... period.
4. What beliefs do I have that might hold me back?
I don't have time to prepare these meals.
5. What is my relationship with food and how would I like to nourish myself?
I love food, I want to eat it all the time, I love the way it tastes, I am addicted to the taste of food. I would like to nourish myself when I am hungry with good foods that won't upset my body, and I would like to eat controlled portions and not feel like I am missing out by not eating.
6. How does being overweight or sick diminish or detract from my happiness and my ability to fulfill my life's purpose?
I don't have a lot of energy when I don't eat properly and I get pains in my stomach, almost every day. It is distracting and depressing, I don't want to get out and interact with others and I don't feel happy. Poor Eliot is such a sport, but I want to treat my body better so that I can become an enegry filled being who isn't limited by poor choices.
7. How do I see my life changing by learning to properly nourish myself?
I see more laughter and energy, more service and joy. I see Eliot and me not being held back from adventures by my limitations. I see less worry about the pains I feel.
8. What positive experiences have I had in the past from eating well and nourishing properly.
My mother almost always had a healthy meal set on the table and I was full of energy and life in my childhood. I only started feeling the pains in high school when I took more food choices into my own hands. I remember having energy and feeling positive no matter what circumstances shaped me. I want to get back to that person I knew.

Ok, now to measurements. I am not starting until Monday, but I will start today by choosing my eating practices with more care. Stopping when I feel full and eating only when I feel it is necessary. And eating less junk and processed foods.
Measurements:
Weight: 155.4
Height: 5'8 1/2"
Waist: 37"
 Hips: 37 1/2"
Thigh Circumference: Left & Right - 27"

Exercise for day - 15 min yoga for beginners.

Feelings: I felt some minor abdominal pain today at varying times throughout the day. I over ate on snack foods and didn't eat a very healthy lunch. Mood was oppresive during the morning but I remembered that I have a choice on my mood and chose to be less somber through the rest of the day.

I will be prepping my mind and my pantry for the next few days but I will continue posting my measurements and how I am feeling.

Here we go! Wish me luck and strength.

One Step Enough For Me

Lead, kindly Light, amid the encircling gloom; lead thou me on! The night is dark and I am far from home; Lead thou me on! Keep thou my feet; I don't ask to see the distant scene - one step enough for me.
~John Henry Newman
One step enough for me. Once that would have terrified me and I would have fought tooth and nail to see and know. But now, I trust. And I do, I do trust, wholly and completely. The Lord does lead me one step at a time. He give me just enough light to see the step I need to take, so I prepare to take that step. Sometimes before I even make the step, he sheds light on a step just slightly to the left or right of that step. Sometimes I actually make it to that step. Then, once I have taken the step he's shown me, he shows me the next step. I used to pray that he would illuminate the entire path for me. He did, and I felt trapped. I didn't want that path, I didn't make sense and it was confusing and wrong. But I had asked, so I learned to accept it. When I finally accepted it, he gently took me by the hand and should me one step on a different path. Still I asked to have the whole pathway illuminated, but the Lord is patient and wise. I had to be content with one step. I cried and begged and pleaded. Finally I humbled myself and trusted.
My mother always tells me that the Lord doesn't micromanage. I know he doesn't, and the Lord wants a people that don't have to be counseled in all things. But, I also know, that if we are paying attention, and listening for it, the small but significant choices we make can be guided. The Lord doesn't tell me what to eat or even tell me to read my scriptures every time I wake up. He has told me once, and if I want to prove myself to him I will doe as he asks me.
Sometimes I do ask for the answer over and over again because I just want to be sure I didn't get it wrong. Sometimes he is so patient and he tells me over and over. Sometimes he waits in silence for me to remember that I know the answer.
I could go on for hours. It sufficeth me to say, "One step enough for me." Lead thou me on.

Saving the World

One thing not to put on your application for grad school or a job when you have a bachelors in psychology, "I want to help people." Even if it is true. How does that make you different from the other 20 billion people with psychology degrees?
But, the truth is, all I want to do, all I've ever wanted to do is help people. My personal goal every day is to leave the people I've come across a little happier, their world a little brighter, and their burdens a little lighter. I want to make people feel special, because they are. I want to be their friend, because they deserve a good friend. (Not saying I am a good friend, but I try). Not just a friend who tells you what you want to hear all the time, but a friend who will tell you you are being an utter fool when you NEED to hear it, who will let you take consequences for your mistakes because that is what is best for you. I want people to know how to find happiness because, as prideful as this may sound, there really is one way.
Think about it. When have you felt most happy? Truly happy? Not high, or drunk or lustful. When was the last time you felt truly happy, the kind of happiness that lasts? When did you feel best about yourself? Was it when you were with your family trying to do something for someone other than yourself? When you helped someone reach that goal they had been working so hard for, just because? When you did something nice, not because you got something out of it, but just because you could?
That is happiness. Lift up your head! Raise your voice! Help a weary soul find a little peace and rest. Get into the spirit of Christmas. Help the Savior save the world.

Stories

I'm really glad my mother and I are so alike because we are anything but normal and it's nice to have an abnormal partner in my abnormalities.
The abnormality I'd like to talk about today is ... stories. Not the regular, sit down read a book story, but the story you make up on the spot after some small event that in your story could be hugely life changing. Like I said, hardly normal. It could be a look, or a phone call, or a text, or a simple phrase someone says or you would like someone to say, or a shoe, a book, a song, a hairstyle, an off-hand comment, an animal, a sunset, a full-moon, a half-moon, a quarter-moon, a new moon, a rude person, an over friendly person, a strange noise, a pleasant noise, an awful smell, a bland smell... I really could go on. I love to make up stories about my life that could possibly happen even if they don't. Not all the stories I make up are happy, but they all keep me highly entertained. Most are happy and almost all have me triumphing or being on top. I can be the kind of person I want to be in these stories, witty, clever, sweet, tough, capable, confident, kind, desirable, sharp, lucky, skilled. I guess that's what I love so much about writing stories. I don't think I've finished a 10th of the stories I write, but I love to capture a perfect moment in time. I write my destiny and other people do what I want them to in my stories.
But, I do love real life, wouldn't it be boring if you knew what was going to happen and when? I still write my destiny, but I always am interested in how other people shape it.

Promises

Broken promises hurt, both when I break them or others do. I don't like the feeling of having failed, or of being let down. But, I also know that I am human, and that others are human and I do not begrudge anyone their humanity. We all make mistakes and we all learn from them. Not everything is in our power. And that is the lesson that I have studiously been trying to not learn... and so God teaches me again and again.
But, here are a couple pictures of 2 promises that I know are true. And promises that will never be broken.

One: God and Christ love me. I will find it in my heart to love and be loved again, I do not know if the face will be familiar or new, but I will love again. Eventually, after I have healed enough. So I wear this ring as a promise to and reminder for myself.

Two: All of the promises in this book. We can find healing and true happiness in the arms of our Lord and through the guidance of the Holy Ghost if we will listen and be obedient. 

Three: The sun will always rise and bring a new day of promise. The sign before Christ's birth the day and the night were filled with light. Even when the American continent was covered in darkness the sun rose and set. After the dark night there always comes a dawn.

People keep asking me how marriage life is treating me, it drives me nutz! Especially because most of the people asking me are/have been married. I want to say, "You know! You've been there! Why are you asking me?" Marriage is frustrating, hard, stressful, annoying, angering and the best choice I ever made in my life. I couldn't be happier even though every often I want to scream or cry. I have never loved another person as much as I love my husband and every time I do scream or cry it only intensifies my love for him. It's actually interesting how that works, the more you go through for the ones you love, the more you love them.
But love is more than the feelings you get when he walks in the room, or he holds your hand or kisses you ever so gently, or passionately. It's a choice and a feeling that feed off each other, the more you choose to love, the more the feeling grows, and the more the feeling grows the more you choose to love. And if you ever stop choosing to love, the feeling grows less until you remember that love is hard work. It is support when you really would rather do your own thing. It is knowing that he and you both have flaws that just might drive one another absolutely crazy, but that you are loved in spite of the those. It is being there when he is going through a hard time, just being there and letting him know the love you have has not, and will not ever, lessen. It is knowing that he will be there for you when you are in the darkest hour of need. It is knowing that you might have to sacrifice the movie you really want to see or the party you might right want to go to just so he knows that you would rather spend your days by his side.
And most importantly it is being open. Without open communication and trust marriage cannot work. He needs to know when you are upset, and when you are happy, how much it means to you, and why. You cannot hold onto those things that bother you and think they will go away, they don't. You also cannot blame him for everything, you are causing at least 50% of the problem (if not more!). He is trying too and you are doing things that bother him too. Trust him, open your heart to him, tell him your fears, joys, hopes, dreams, and wishes. Just sit and talk, or sit in silence and enjoy one another's company. Making him happy is (and should be if it's not) your number one focus, nothing matters more than your marriage. Nothing. Don't forget, he wants to make you happy too.
It's hard work at first, and may be (most likely will be) for the rest of your life. But it is so rewarding. I regret nothing and would do it all over if I had the choice.

9/10/11 12:00

Yes, we are that cool that we were married on 9-10-11-12! And the day was PERFECT!!!! From the Saturday (9/3/11) we arrived in New York to the Thursday two days before the wedding it rained constantly, alternating between pouring and drizzling, but it was basically constant. Then, Thursday night it cleared, Friday the sky was only half full of clouds that didn't rain, and Saturday was a cloudless beautiful.
Friday was the rehearsal at the golf course gazebo and as you can see it was pretty much the perfect setting. A gazebo amongst greenery with a lake in the background, what more could a girl ask for without actually being able to scout out sites?

Here we all are, you can't really see the lake, but no worries, it will show up later. The whole time we stood up there I was thinking, this is going to be a really nice wedding for someone, everyone looks so nice. It just didn't feel real to me. It was a little amusing I have to admit because it really was for me, it was real, and it was most definitely happening.

Here we are listening to speeches (I was really grateful I didn't have to give one, I'm terrible at speeches). One from my father and one from Bryan's. The adorable little guy you see down there is Bryan's (and now my) nephew, Chase. He is a little ball of energy, he makes all of us run around in circles and when one of us gets tired he makes someone else run with him.

The girls entering the limo the next morning. It was my first time riding a limo, I was very excited. I had to be the last in and last out though.

Bryan, Craig (Bryan's father), and me after the ceremony.

The whole bridal party. From left to right: Autumn (my matron of Honor), Kelli, Erin, Emily, Kelly (in back), Cate (in back), Me, Bryan, Brad (in back), Kurt, Brian, George (in back), Brett

My new sisters! Both of whom I love! Cate, me, Kelly

Me and my family. Seth, Mom, Dad, me, Bryan, Autumn, Derrick holding Edison, their son.

 

That says it all.

Isn't the cake beautiful!

Good ole cake smashing. :) He got it up my nose if you couldn't tell, gross. Yes, it certainly was.

Our first dance. "I have and I Always Will" by Dave Barnes

Father/Daughter dance. "Butterfly Kisses." Yes, we did both bawl our eyes out. The wedding wasn't really real to me until my father walked into the bridal room. Then it was suddenly real to me.

Love, love, love, love this picture!

Me and my girls all previous roommates. Erin, me, Kelli, Emily

I couldn't raise my arms as high as everyone else.

A yellow fuzzy worm that Kelli found and put on her bouquet. We're passing it from my bouquet to hers.

My first nephew, Edison Byron. Isn't he adorable? I thought so too. I had to be really careful though because he had been spitting up all day. Don't you just love babies?

Best day ever!!!!!!

Keepers of the Wild

I thought we were going to a service project, planting trees at the Keepers of the Wild Preserve.

Bryan picked me up at eight am in his work clothes and told me we had to stop by his house to pick up the water jug and meet the others. We parked outside his door and he told me he wouldn't be long so I could wait in the truck. Ten minutes passed and then he called me and asked me to help him in the kitchen. Luckily for him I actually heard his phone call, that could have really messed with him.

I walked in to see him dressed in a shirt and tie. I was taken aback but I knew immediately what was happening. He sat me down on the couch and told me I could not interrupt him, so I sat and looked up at him.

"It's hard for a man to shop for a ring, so I have the empty ring box but you'll have to wait for the ring." I was confused but as promised I did not interrupt.

"Now, I'm going to give you five things to show you how much I love you. The first is a hug." He pulled me up from the couch and hugged me. "The next is a kiss." Which he gave me. "The next is flowers." He pulled them from behind the couch and handed me these beautiful babies.

"The next is a card. Let me know when you finish it." He handed it to me and I admit I cried a bit when I read the card. He'd been telling me about a card he'd found and planned on saving for the girl he proposed to.

"The next is a book."

"It has the seven novels of Jane Austen and I wrote something even better in the book." He handed it to me and I stared at it in my hands and looked up at him, "Can I read it now?" He chuckled, "Yes." I opened it to find this:

I could do nothing more than stare at it and cry. He knelt down and picking up the ring asked me "Will you marry me?" All I could manage even though I wanted to give some smart alec response was, "YES!"

We didn't end up going to Keepers of the Wild, but I don't really mind that much.

Best Weekend Ever

Why? Because I got to spend three glorious days with my favorite person. Ever. True story

Here he is. My boyfriend, and best friend. Thank you MLKJ, you allowed me a portion of time to see him.

My poor roommates had to put up with me being super excited (jumping up and down any time someone asked me or reminded me that he was coming) The whole week before he came. I hadn't seen him in over a month! I know, tragedy! So, of course I was way excited to find out he was coming.

I had asked him to meet me at work and told him when I got off. Ironically enough he sat down right in front of my work area and I just happened to come up the stairs and see him a mere 15 minutes before I got off. We were both very surprised and all I wanted to do was run and jump hug him. Luckily for my job I kept my composure.

15 minutes later I walk out of work and he vanished! I thought maybe I'd imagined it, so I searched for a few minutes then I called him. I got to run and jump hug him. That made me happy. We toured the school, went to dinner and mini indoor golfing with friends. And that was only the start of a fun filled sa-uuuuuu-per awesome weekend.

(I felt like being contrary)

He left today and I thought I would be sad, but I'm not. I'm really glad it happened and we got the chance to see each other again. "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

One more month til I get to see him again. Until then, I'll let Owl City state my sentiments.

.

Sleep

I LOVE my sleep. What can I say more. Sleep is huh-mazing! I love dreaming and closing my eyes to be pulled into a world so similar and so different from my own.

Lately however my dreams have changed. I still love to dream, they have not turned me against dreaming. Where once my dreams were like a grade B sci fi movie, they are now akin to the dreams that take place in the movie "Inception." Don't get me wrong, there were no crazy aliens in my former dreams, but I could tell the difference between dream and reality as distinctly as red from blue. Now however, I sometimes think a moment of dream is a possible reality. For instance I once dreamed I had a fight with my mother, I awoke that morning feeling resentful toward her until I realized the ridiculousness of that notion.

I still love to dream, dreaming is a HUGE adventure for me. Where once I watched all the action from a distance, now I participate in the adventure myself. I love it.

Slippin and Flyin

Sometimes I find myself slippin.

I find my friends who live far away slippin through my hands and enjoyin simple things that I used to do with them. Which was fine when I was with them... but now?

I feel like my life is slippin out of control and spiralin... who knows where.

I feel my time slippin away.

I find myself slippin into obsession with minute details about inconsequential pieces of my life.

I find life movin on around me and slippin by. I sit on the bus of life and see people at stations that I would like to get off at, but I don't have the right ticket.

I find my self confidence slippin and pain and hurt slippin into my life.

I find my self wishing to slip into sleep, only to be disappointed as the beautiful dreams I once

had have slipped away, replaced by drab, frightening ones.

And it is in those moments that I realize how blessed I am that those things are slippin away. Cuz if they didn't, if those ropes didn't slip through my fingers, I would never have learned to fly.

If I held on fiercely to any of these ropes I wouldn't have the faith and push I need to fly.

If I held fiercely on to my friends in far away places I would miss the sparkling personalities here that need my example to fly too.

If I controlled every detail of my life, I wouldn't be where He needed me.

If I didn't learn to slow down and appreciate being

still

I couldn't see the profound peace that comes from it.

If I didn't focus on those details I would never have been able to appreciate the relief when I realized they just weren't that important.

If I didn't wish for the other stages of life I wouldn't have talked with others in those stages and looked back to realize I really like were I am. It's a time to grew and develop on my own.

If I hadn't lost my self confidence temporarily, I wouldn't have noticed others who needed to be built up more than I did. Sometimes losing self confidence isn't all bad.

If all I had was beautiful dreams, how could I appreciate them for the vibrancy and color, the details, and the happy contented feeling I wake up with?

Letting go of the rope that is slippin through your hands is sometimes the only way to fly.

Flip, I love dreams

Last night I had a dream that I signed a contract with a head vampire (like head honcho, not like a vampire with only a head) that I would come and live with him forever. ("for all eternity, idiot." - the Mummy) I tried to get out of it by showing him I was a werewolf already, that didn't work and he seemed hurt that I didn't want to come with him. I did end up going with him.

I was a vampire werewolf and the most dangerous monster on the face of the planet. Go me. Flip, I love dreams!!!!!

Then Katherine and Jill came to visit me and I had to fend off four vampires and I totally kicked their trash. Eat that!

Man, I have the best dreams ever!

Side note: Curse you Stephanie Meyer! But you do give me great inspiration for dreams.

Hello New Day

Last night I dreamed that I had a pet parrot named Petey. My family was moving and Petey was put in the basement until we could move him to the new house. A week later I remembered Petey and went down to see if he was still alive. He was, and immediately flew to my finger, kissing my face as only a parrot can kiss. That means pecking lightly. Ah to have the love of a parrot, truly remarkable. :)

I also dreamed about a white elephant gift exchange, there were a lot of toy ponies. One was like a transformer pony, and you could move different parts of it. Each time it looked like different monsters.

Each of my family members were in my dreams, not all together, but they were there.

I have decided to carry around a planner to write down everything, just so I don't forget, which I tend to do regularly. Can't help it I'm afraid. It's genetic, my mother forgets stuff all the time.

Speaking of which, my mother seems to have gotten funnier the older I get. Actually, I think my perception of her has changed, she wasn't as funny when I was twelve. She was just an awesome mom. Always has been.

Father dearest, I'm so glad you were there to watch over me as a child. I'll always love you.

Blogs help me avoid homework. (I wish there was a sly smiley face so I could insert it here.)

Farewell for now fellow bloggers.