Stream of Self-consiousness

Ok. So I made a huge announcement to my roommate today and that announcement is.... drum roll please,... I'm ready to date again. But, seriously, I really am this time.
What kept me from being ready before was my lack of self-esteem when it comes to others. When it comes to Heavenly Father I know how valuable and loved I am. I know He sees my potential and He is helping me reach it when I let him. I know I'm incredible and wanted and He would do anything to help me be truly happy. But, when it comes to other people I wonder what they see in me. I wonder if they truly see the potential I have or the person I am. Often I doubt that they do. Or, even if I do believe they see me for who I am and who I will be, I don't believe they will continue to see it.
Well, that was how I used to be. Now, I am glad to be me and I am looking for someone who sees me for who I am and who I will become. I will no longer doubt that a good man will continue to see me in this way and that he will help me reach my potential. I am beginning to trust that there are those out there who love me and will always love me. I have had friends who have stuck with me through my trials, who have seen me at my absolute lowest point and who have stood by me because they know who I truly am and the good I am capable of. I believe in myself and I believe that I am innately good and desirable to a man who is also innately good. No longer will I listen to the voices both inside and out saying I am not good enough, or I am not worth it. To those I say, "I don't need you because you are wrong." I will eliminate them, or at the very least I will not tolerate them in my life.
No longer will I confuse humility with self-abasement. Having humility is not believe you are worthless, it is knowing you are full of worth. Humility is not like pride, the proud have pride because they are afraid that without whatever it is they have their pride in, they are nothing. Having humility is knowing, that even with everything stripped away, you still have so much potential and so much worth stored inside your soul. I had to have everything emotionally stripped away from me to understand this. Thankfully, I learned it.
Now, how to start about this dating business? All I want it to get to know enough people that I can decided what works and what does not work for me. Perhaps this seems like a selfish way to look at it, but, if it doesn't work for me why would I hurt someone by pretending it does? It would just hurt them more later on down the road when I can no longer hold the farce together. So, do I go on as many dates with as many people as I can so I can better understand what compliments my personality? Or do I just try dating one person at a time until it doesn't work out, or does? I personally believe the first option is more fair for everyone involved, but in Provo that comes with a stigma. If I choose to try it that way then labels like flirt, slut, tramp, easy and others come with that territory. Jess tells me that I act interested and then I don't and then I act interested in other guys. The problem is, I am interested in other guys. I see aspects in everyone that I find incredibly attractive as a prospective husband. I want to get to know a guy before I decide to go steady, or to not continue dating. But how do I have confidence in that? I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to do what's best for me and for everyone else. What to do? What ... to ... do?!

Messy

Dating is messy any way you slice it. It's like an ooey gooey piece of cake with caramel and chocolate sauce drizzled on top and you have to eat it with your hands. Depending on the slice, it might have a little too much baking power... Causing it to errupt in your mouth in a semi-unpleasant way. Or it might have too much salt... And be a little too off flavor. Sometimes it has to much flour and the other tastes don't show through because the cake is just too bland. Or it's too rich and you can't eat it all at once. Or maybe it's too crumbly and it's slipped through your fingers before you've even had a proper taste.The goal in scarfing down these decadent pieces of cake is not greed, but a hungering for the perfect piece where all the lumps were made smooth and the perfect amount of every ingredient has been mixed together.
I found a slice that seems to have been made by the world's most meticulous baker and I think I might have dropped it on the ground. In my defense, the previous piece seemed like perfection until I got to the middle and then it was like a mix of all the wrong, bitter, surprising flavors and I had to stop eating. So it is understandable that my hands are shaky and uncertain. I just hope that I can scoop it up and make it work, if not, well, then I've learned to be more confident in the slices I chose. I am learning to spot the choices slices and I'm getting better and better at it.
Ah cake. :)

9/10/11 12:00

Yes, we are that cool that we were married on 9-10-11-12! And the day was PERFECT!!!! From the Saturday (9/3/11) we arrived in New York to the Thursday two days before the wedding it rained constantly, alternating between pouring and drizzling, but it was basically constant. Then, Thursday night it cleared, Friday the sky was only half full of clouds that didn't rain, and Saturday was a cloudless beautiful.
Friday was the rehearsal at the golf course gazebo and as you can see it was pretty much the perfect setting. A gazebo amongst greenery with a lake in the background, what more could a girl ask for without actually being able to scout out sites?

Here we all are, you can't really see the lake, but no worries, it will show up later. The whole time we stood up there I was thinking, this is going to be a really nice wedding for someone, everyone looks so nice. It just didn't feel real to me. It was a little amusing I have to admit because it really was for me, it was real, and it was most definitely happening.

Here we are listening to speeches (I was really grateful I didn't have to give one, I'm terrible at speeches). One from my father and one from Bryan's. The adorable little guy you see down there is Bryan's (and now my) nephew, Chase. He is a little ball of energy, he makes all of us run around in circles and when one of us gets tired he makes someone else run with him.

The girls entering the limo the next morning. It was my first time riding a limo, I was very excited. I had to be the last in and last out though.

Bryan, Craig (Bryan's father), and me after the ceremony.

The whole bridal party. From left to right: Autumn (my matron of Honor), Kelli, Erin, Emily, Kelly (in back), Cate (in back), Me, Bryan, Brad (in back), Kurt, Brian, George (in back), Brett

My new sisters! Both of whom I love! Cate, me, Kelly

Me and my family. Seth, Mom, Dad, me, Bryan, Autumn, Derrick holding Edison, their son.

 

That says it all.

Isn't the cake beautiful!

Good ole cake smashing. :) He got it up my nose if you couldn't tell, gross. Yes, it certainly was.

Our first dance. "I have and I Always Will" by Dave Barnes

Father/Daughter dance. "Butterfly Kisses." Yes, we did both bawl our eyes out. The wedding wasn't really real to me until my father walked into the bridal room. Then it was suddenly real to me.

Love, love, love, love this picture!

Me and my girls all previous roommates. Erin, me, Kelli, Emily

I couldn't raise my arms as high as everyone else.

A yellow fuzzy worm that Kelli found and put on her bouquet. We're passing it from my bouquet to hers.

My first nephew, Edison Byron. Isn't he adorable? I thought so too. I had to be really careful though because he had been spitting up all day. Don't you just love babies?

Best day ever!!!!!!

A Little Different

I noticed that a few of my friends started out their most recent posts with apologies for neglecting their blogs. :) I understand as I have not been as attentive as I should to my own.

I am getting married in a day less than two weeks.

Answers to frequently asked questions:

Yes, I am crazy excited and a tiny bit nervous.

Yes, I realize it is a huge change and I am enormously excited to tackle the challenge. I love challenge because it means I get to grow and become better.

We are going to live where we are now because we both have jobs here.

The wedding plans are coming along just as they should and I have had very little stress to deal with (minus the initial not wanting to make decisions stress).

His father is officiating the ceremony as he is a Justice of the Peace.

We will be getting seal in the Draper Temple within the year.

He is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me and I do love him more than life itself.

I am 21, he is 29. Nope, I don't think I'm too young and I don't think that is too big of an age gap.

We met through a mutual friend and just sparked it off a little while later.

I am getting married literally across the country because that is where his family is, and it is so much prettier in New York than it is in Arizona in the Fall.

Another change that has happened is that I'm an aunt! My younger brother has gone to college. My dear friend from college is getting married in a little more than a month. I found a job at the high school. I am more comfortable with myself now than I have ever been. My almost sister (we're practically family anyway) moved away to go to college two hours away, not too bad if you ask me. I will be moving out of my parent's house for the last time.

All of these changes are good and I am glad they are happening. I especially love my job even though it makes me grind my teeth and wish smacking were legal in schools. I tip my hat to all those who work with special education and thrive on it. You are amazing super humans and you are underappreciated. But that is a post for another time. I promise I will be better.

Keepers of the Wild

I thought we were going to a service project, planting trees at the Keepers of the Wild Preserve.

Bryan picked me up at eight am in his work clothes and told me we had to stop by his house to pick up the water jug and meet the others. We parked outside his door and he told me he wouldn't be long so I could wait in the truck. Ten minutes passed and then he called me and asked me to help him in the kitchen. Luckily for him I actually heard his phone call, that could have really messed with him.

I walked in to see him dressed in a shirt and tie. I was taken aback but I knew immediately what was happening. He sat me down on the couch and told me I could not interrupt him, so I sat and looked up at him.

"It's hard for a man to shop for a ring, so I have the empty ring box but you'll have to wait for the ring." I was confused but as promised I did not interrupt.

"Now, I'm going to give you five things to show you how much I love you. The first is a hug." He pulled me up from the couch and hugged me. "The next is a kiss." Which he gave me. "The next is flowers." He pulled them from behind the couch and handed me these beautiful babies.

"The next is a card. Let me know when you finish it." He handed it to me and I admit I cried a bit when I read the card. He'd been telling me about a card he'd found and planned on saving for the girl he proposed to.

"The next is a book."

"It has the seven novels of Jane Austen and I wrote something even better in the book." He handed it to me and I stared at it in my hands and looked up at him, "Can I read it now?" He chuckled, "Yes." I opened it to find this:

I could do nothing more than stare at it and cry. He knelt down and picking up the ring asked me "Will you marry me?" All I could manage even though I wanted to give some smart alec response was, "YES!"

We didn't end up going to Keepers of the Wild, but I don't really mind that much.

Best Weekend Ever

Why? Because I got to spend three glorious days with my favorite person. Ever. True story

Here he is. My boyfriend, and best friend. Thank you MLKJ, you allowed me a portion of time to see him.

My poor roommates had to put up with me being super excited (jumping up and down any time someone asked me or reminded me that he was coming) The whole week before he came. I hadn't seen him in over a month! I know, tragedy! So, of course I was way excited to find out he was coming.

I had asked him to meet me at work and told him when I got off. Ironically enough he sat down right in front of my work area and I just happened to come up the stairs and see him a mere 15 minutes before I got off. We were both very surprised and all I wanted to do was run and jump hug him. Luckily for my job I kept my composure.

15 minutes later I walk out of work and he vanished! I thought maybe I'd imagined it, so I searched for a few minutes then I called him. I got to run and jump hug him. That made me happy. We toured the school, went to dinner and mini indoor golfing with friends. And that was only the start of a fun filled sa-uuuuuu-per awesome weekend.

(I felt like being contrary)

He left today and I thought I would be sad, but I'm not. I'm really glad it happened and we got the chance to see each other again. "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

One more month til I get to see him again. Until then, I'll let Owl City state my sentiments.

.

Thanks, but Nooooo Thank you

(Random insertion that has nothing to do with this particular post: The other night I had a dream that a rude boy burped in my face. Fine, I can handle that, so I burped ten times better and it was a long drawn out burp... until he punched me in the throat. Jerk.)

Thank you, for trying to make my life better and ended my pitiful existence as a single girl. Thank you for trying to find mister wonderful and dumping him in my lap (shouldn't it be the other way around?) Thank you for deciding what I cannot decide for myself.

Recently everyone I know has been pushing for me to date a certain someone in my singles' group.

"Tegan, you know who you should ask on a date?"(No, but I bet you're gonna tell me) "Oh Tegan, you would be such a cute couple!"(O, you think so?) "Tegan, I know the perfect man for you!" (Really,... really) NO, you DON'T. You know one of the few eligible bachelors in Kingman. There are roughly 8. Yes, he is cute, yes, he is a nice guy, yes, we did go on a few dates a couple years back. NO I am not interested and NO I don't think he is the perfect man for me. THANK YOU very much.

And why do I have to be the one to do the asking? (You asked)

I'll tell you why, because he is too shy to ask me himself, or he tries to get me to do something and then never mentions it again, or his friend sets us up and he cancels at the last minute and his friend has to be the one to tell me. That is the kind of guys people want to set me up with. Seriously, phrase I hear constantly "he doesn't go on very many dates." or "He's a little shy around girls..." Then WHY for the love of salt and vinegar chips am I a good match for him? What does that say about ME?

I don't want to wear the pants in the relationship, thank you very much.

So, I know you are only trying to help me, but please, if I want to date someone that I see on a regular basis, I will do so. I've done it before. I know you love me and only want my best interest, but please, if I know him better than you do, do not try to set me up with him. Stop being a goey chocolate cookie, or this crevice in my arm, or an old sponge with hair on it. I love you, don't change that.

Thank you.

Soul bearing

My mother does not enjoy blogging. She could almost see it as an online journal but, as she says people cannot tell the truth online. We present the side of ourselves that we want the world to see, we control how others see us.

Well, I will not lie, I hate revealing the deeper part of myself to others but I feel that I need to tonight.

I have never had a boyfriend. I've been on a few dates, once or twice a second date, I can count the boys on three fingers. Twice there has been a boy who would like to have had a stable relationship with me. I admit that I wanted one as well but I wasn't able to trust them. I don't easily trust people, especially when they like me. I hear very often that I am pretty and talented, and when I tell married people that I've never had a boyfriend, they ask if the boys are blind or stupid. I never had anyone like me in high school. False, one boy liked me in high school - he turned into a druggie, has been arrested multiple times and I'm fairly confident he dropped out of school...

I didn't realize it but I began to think there was something wrong with me. All of my friends had guys falling all over them. Every guy I'd ever liked was in love with my best friends. I was always the good friend that guys turned to for advice, never because they liked me. Or, if they did like me, they were to afraid to admit it because I was intimidating.

Cue my freshman year of college when the sweetest guy I've ever met asked me on a date and wanted to hangout with me. I connected instantly with him and I could see that he was most definitely interested in me. I was interested in him as well. I was fine with him liking me, until he told me. There is something inside of me that accepts being the best friend and never the girlfriend. But, when someone admits to liking me it scares me to death. What could he possibly see in me? There must be something wrong with him to make him like me. I had been through all that before and I told myself I was not going to be frightened off by his declaration. But, internally something shut off and I felt nothing toward him. It broke my heart and it wasn't until after I told him that I realized I had run away again.

I have a fierce desire to be loved, just like every other human being on the planet. I watch cute little love stories and cheer at the happy ending. I laugh and rejoice with my girls when they tell me about their dates and their happy romances. I look at boys and giggle when they look my way. I need that connection just like every other girl. But, I find myself ruining that connection out of fear and a past I thought I overcame.

I just hope that one day I will be able to overcome that. That I can find a man who will know and understand that it will be hard for me to trust and love him. But those who run from love are often those who need it most of all.

There you have it. The truth. Take it as you will.

Blind Dates

You know you must be doing something when the second counselor in the Bishopric's wife wants to set you up with the second counselor's best friend. Whether it's something right or they just think you suck at dating... Whatever the case I did something and Bro. Anderson asked if it would be okay to set me up with his friend Kevin. Kevin called and set up a date for Saturday night at six. Six rolled around and I was the only one home. None of my roommates were here to make meeting a stranger any less awkward. He shook my hand at the door and then we walked down to his car. Goodwood barbecue had the good fortune to have our presence where we talked for an hour and a half. Then we went bowling where I played better than I ever have before but I still got my trash kicked. 99 to 126. Ouch, yeah.

Blind dates are fun because you don't have any expectations to live up to. You don't know them, they don't know you. You could be anyone you want! Yourself is usually the best option but... ya know... No one says you have to be yourself.... :)