Soul bearing

My mother does not enjoy blogging. She could almost see it as an online journal but, as she says people cannot tell the truth online. We present the side of ourselves that we want the world to see, we control how others see us.

Well, I will not lie, I hate revealing the deeper part of myself to others but I feel that I need to tonight.

I have never had a boyfriend. I've been on a few dates, once or twice a second date, I can count the boys on three fingers. Twice there has been a boy who would like to have had a stable relationship with me. I admit that I wanted one as well but I wasn't able to trust them. I don't easily trust people, especially when they like me. I hear very often that I am pretty and talented, and when I tell married people that I've never had a boyfriend, they ask if the boys are blind or stupid. I never had anyone like me in high school. False, one boy liked me in high school - he turned into a druggie, has been arrested multiple times and I'm fairly confident he dropped out of school...

I didn't realize it but I began to think there was something wrong with me. All of my friends had guys falling all over them. Every guy I'd ever liked was in love with my best friends. I was always the good friend that guys turned to for advice, never because they liked me. Or, if they did like me, they were to afraid to admit it because I was intimidating.

Cue my freshman year of college when the sweetest guy I've ever met asked me on a date and wanted to hangout with me. I connected instantly with him and I could see that he was most definitely interested in me. I was interested in him as well. I was fine with him liking me, until he told me. There is something inside of me that accepts being the best friend and never the girlfriend. But, when someone admits to liking me it scares me to death. What could he possibly see in me? There must be something wrong with him to make him like me. I had been through all that before and I told myself I was not going to be frightened off by his declaration. But, internally something shut off and I felt nothing toward him. It broke my heart and it wasn't until after I told him that I realized I had run away again.

I have a fierce desire to be loved, just like every other human being on the planet. I watch cute little love stories and cheer at the happy ending. I laugh and rejoice with my girls when they tell me about their dates and their happy romances. I look at boys and giggle when they look my way. I need that connection just like every other girl. But, I find myself ruining that connection out of fear and a past I thought I overcame.

I just hope that one day I will be able to overcome that. That I can find a man who will know and understand that it will be hard for me to trust and love him. But those who run from love are often those who need it most of all.

There you have it. The truth. Take it as you will.