May 21, 2012

Happy, Happy, Happy!

I am happy! It's been a while since I have been truly happy and I love the feeling!
I'd been feeling angry and bitter and picturing all kinds of ways to exact revenge.
Then, I realized how unhappy that was making me.
I don't need revenge, I just need to live my life and be happy just being me. If I ever get the chance I might unload a little bit of what I think but even what I'm thinking is beginning to change and become unimportant. I just don't have to care about it any more. It's the past, I can't change it and knowing more and wishing it was a certain way still won't change what happened. All I can do is be happy and forget about it!
Realizing that has set me free as a bird because, I DON'T CARE!!!!! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!
I am free to focus my time and thoughts on friend and family. I am free to enjoy the company around me. I am free to make the most of my life and be an idiot when I choose. And I LOVE it! I'm back to being me! And it is GREAT!!!!

May 15, 2012

The Hulk

We all know the Hulk has some serious issues. As Iron Man put it, he " lose[s] control and turn[s] into a big huge rage monster." Lately I've felt a little of the stress Dr. Bruce Banner must feel as he holds in his anger. I've never been truly angry for longer than day, ever. And now I find myself battling it almost every day. It's only natural since it's one of the cycles of grieving. It has been the hardest cycle for me because I have been working hard since I was little to control my anger and being angry for so long makes me a little sick. I don't like the feeling and I do all I can to avoid it. But avoiding it isn't healthy, I need to face my anger and let it run it's course. I cannot let it control me, but I must control it. I don't have to let it ruin my day but nor do I need to bury it where it springs up unexpectedly.
So, yes. I am angry, I am furious. I was humiliated and lied to and I have every right to be angry. I placed my entire being in the care of someone I thought I could trust and I was betrayed. But, I find it interesting that love and anger can coexist. I always assumed that if you were angry, you must not love the person you were angry with. I mean true anger, like wanting to physically harm angry. But you can, and I do, love the person you are angry with. Anger is a natural human emotion. It needs to run it's course without running over you. As long as you have Christ by your side and His love for that person in your heart then anger can be good. I choose to allow myself to be angry. I choose to keep it controlled because I do not wish to hurt the object of my anger. I choose to be healthy in my expression. And I choose to forgive. Time will heal my wounds and I will be whole again. I just need to be patient. I don't love you like I used to, but I do still love you, it's just completely differently now.

May 7, 2012


I'm really glad my mother and I are so alike because we are anything but normal and it's nice to have an abnormal partner in my abnormalities.
The abnormality I'd like to talk about today is ... stories. Not the regular, sit down read a book story, but the story you make up on the spot after some small event that in your story could be hugely life changing. Like I said, hardly normal. It could be a look, or a phone call, or a text, or a simple phrase someone says or you would like someone to say, or a shoe, a book, a song, a hairstyle, an off-hand comment, an animal, a sunset, a full-moon, a half-moon, a quarter-moon, a new moon, a rude person, an over friendly person, a strange noise, a pleasant noise, an awful smell, a bland smell... I really could go on. I love to make up stories about my life that could possibly happen even if they don't. Not all the stories I make up are happy, but they all keep me highly entertained. Most are happy and almost all have me triumphing or being on top. I can be the kind of person I want to be in these stories, witty, clever, sweet, tough, capable, confident, kind, desirable, sharp, lucky, skilled. I guess that's what I love so much about writing stories. I don't think I've finished a 10th of the stories I write, but I love to capture a perfect moment in time. I write my destiny and other people do what I want them to in my stories.
But, I do love real life, wouldn't it be boring if you knew what was going to happen and when? I still write my destiny, but I always am interested in how other people shape it.

May 1, 2012


I am horrible at keeping journals, the best I've done is the past five months in one journal. I was pretty consistent and now, I just don't really remember... Or I don't have much to write about. Same holds true with my blog here. Or, the things I want to write about are just too personal to post online but I'm so busy throughout the day that I forget to write them down before I pass out on my pillow. I try to keep myself busy because it keeps me from thinking. Luckily I've been pretty successful. I mostly just can't wait until I get back to BYU and out of Kingman. It will be so much better.