Dying With Dignity

I have started to consider vlogging. But until I can figure out how to make my videos work....
I am not dying, but my father is.
September 2014
Through treatment of a kidney stone, my father found out he had kidney cancer. An easy fix with a simple surgery.
January 2015
During a full body scan, necessary because of the kidney cancer, a second form of cancer was found in his lungs. Non-small cell lung cancer. This was not a mutated form of the kidney cancer, but a separate cancer entirely. When we found out, we joked with him that maybe he should go to Vegas and play the lottery since his chances were phenomenal.
Surgery was scheduled for removal of the kidney cancer and the spot of lung cancer.
2015 - 2016
Though my father was somewhat tired, he responded remarkably well to surgery and the chemo and radiation that followed. Chemo and radiation were needed because the lung cancer reacted to the air and spots appeared all over his lungs. His breathing was more labored, but otherwise he was a picture of health.
April 2016
The lung cancer was back and treatments of pills began. Again, though tired, he was up and moving and in otherwise good health. The doctors predicted he had a few years left.
August 2016
He was going home from work one day and stopped at Wal-Mart to pick up some prescriptions, which likely saved his life. He collapsed in the store and awoke to a stranger cradling his head. Had he driven home, he might have ended up in a car accident. An MRI revealed too many lesions in his head to count.
After much discussion, my parents decided to move forward with radiation to the head. This treatment was to continue for two weeks.
Around this time my father's appetite and desire to consume any food at all dropped off. He ate only because and when my mother insisted. Which was a sign of approaching death. The body knows it is dying and it shuts down the less important life systems. At the end of his radiation treatment, my husband and I came to visit. My father was deeply depressed and in a very dark place. He had contemplated suicide as far as knowing how he would go, but knew that would be unfair for my mother. It was heartbreaking to see him so despondent. But no one could fault him, was it due to the concoction of chemicals being pumped through his system? Was it the many lesions pressing on who knows what part of the brain? Was it just the knowledge of what he was going through? It was hard to tell. That was three weeks ago.
September 26, 2016
At night, after my father knelt in prayer, he could not stand up and my mother could not get him up. After 45 minutes of trying, she called a friend to help her.
September 27, 2016
She called her doctors and was told to bring him into the ER, because it wasn't the radiation that had weakened him so much. Though I can't deny that doctors do much for us, I also find my biases mainly against them, for reasons like the following.
Once in the hospital the medical staff honed in on the fact that my father was depressed and they told my mother that they would like to put him in a psych hospital in Vegas or Tucson. How foolish! My mother was furious and abjectly refused. The social worker told her that after watching her interact with him he knew that wasn't the problem. They continued to look for solutions.
September 29, 2016
Someone on the ER staff decided to release my father back into my mother's care. She was irritated with the lack of care as he had become incontinent and was lying in his own urine for who knows how long. She again had to call on the help of a friend to get my father from the car into the house.
September 30, 2016
My mother was able to get my father cleaned and showered. He told her that he had to use the toilet. After standing in front of it for quite a while, he started to wobble. Then he fell, smacking his head on the closet behind him and sliding to the floor with his legs straddling the toilet. My mom lost control at that point and had to go to another room to sob uncontrollably, knowing that she would not be able to get him up without help. After she had regained control, she called her fireman friend to assist her once more.
They returned to the ER, refused the mandatory tests on admittance, and met with the doctor who had admitted them previously. The doctor informed her that he was surprised to find my parents had left. He did not believe my father would leave the hospital at all.
That evening my parents were told that it was likely over, there must be cancer cells in the spine, and they would be released to hospice care. A total and enveloping peace surrounded them. They knew this was right.
A later MRI showed there were no cancer cells in the spine. My parent were told my father might yet live another year or two. Confusion and pain settled on my parents. A series of tests jerked my parents back and forth as each day they were told something different. When they were told it was over, peace settled on them. When they were told it wasn't, confusion and turmoil enveloped them.
October 5, 2016
Their radiology oncologist returned from his 10 day vacation and ordered an MRI of the lumbar region of the spine. It revealed the spine wrapped in a mass of tumors. No wonder my father couldn't always stand. No wonder he was weak. My mother was taken aside and told they could no longer do anything for Dad, only to him. She felt peace once more enshroud her.
October 6, 2016
My father was released home to hospice in the care of my mother. Myself and two of my brothers traveled home, they for the weekend, and I until my mother no longer needed me. Hospice means that you are sent home to allow nature to take its course. No more pick lines, saline drips or hospital machines keeping you alive. There are medications to ease your pain and your passing.
And now
As I write, my father is on the last stage of his life. He hasn't eaten in 10 days, he hasn't had any liquids since Monday, his breathing is ragged, and he no longer responds to touch. He may last minutes, or hours, or, quite possibly, days. We just don't know his timing.
This experience of helping my mother care for him has been sacred and beautiful. To care for someone who has cared for me my entire life is truly humbling. I have never felt more love for my parents than I do at this moment.  Our nurse asked me Tuesday if my father is still teaching me, if he is teaching me to die with dignity?
Yes. He has been so calm through this whole process. He does everything he can to assist my mother and myself in caring for him. It isn't much, but it's all he has. He is dying with dignity, just as he lived with dignity. We did not always get along, but as I grew older I learned to appreciate all that my father has given me, all he has taught me. And in this time, so many are coming to visit or calling my mother to tell her how much they love my father.
That man truly lived and truly loved.

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

Remember how I mentioned before that life is a paradox? Well, I have had it confirmed so many times it's a wonder we human believe we can make any sense of the world.

I just finished the book, "Falling to Heaven" by James Ferrell. If ever a more potent book was written, it would be the Book of Mormon. But this book (FTH), expounds and clarifies the Book of Mormon, for those of us whose hearts have not yet seen all the purity of the Book of Mormon.

Read it. It just may change your perspective, if you let it.

I was so disappointed when it was over, I kept flipping back and forth to see if I'd missed something.

Saving the World

One thing not to put on your application for grad school or a job when you have a bachelors in psychology, "I want to help people." Even if it is true. How does that make you different from the other 20 billion people with psychology degrees?
But, the truth is, all I want to do, all I've ever wanted to do is help people. My personal goal every day is to leave the people I've come across a little happier, their world a little brighter, and their burdens a little lighter. I want to make people feel special, because they are. I want to be their friend, because they deserve a good friend. (Not saying I am a good friend, but I try). Not just a friend who tells you what you want to hear all the time, but a friend who will tell you you are being an utter fool when you NEED to hear it, who will let you take consequences for your mistakes because that is what is best for you. I want people to know how to find happiness because, as prideful as this may sound, there really is one way.
Think about it. When have you felt most happy? Truly happy? Not high, or drunk or lustful. When was the last time you felt truly happy, the kind of happiness that lasts? When did you feel best about yourself? Was it when you were with your family trying to do something for someone other than yourself? When you helped someone reach that goal they had been working so hard for, just because? When you did something nice, not because you got something out of it, but just because you could?
That is happiness. Lift up your head! Raise your voice! Help a weary soul find a little peace and rest. Get into the spirit of Christmas. Help the Savior save the world.

Messy

Dating is messy any way you slice it. It's like an ooey gooey piece of cake with caramel and chocolate sauce drizzled on top and you have to eat it with your hands. Depending on the slice, it might have a little too much baking power... Causing it to errupt in your mouth in a semi-unpleasant way. Or it might have too much salt... And be a little too off flavor. Sometimes it has to much flour and the other tastes don't show through because the cake is just too bland. Or it's too rich and you can't eat it all at once. Or maybe it's too crumbly and it's slipped through your fingers before you've even had a proper taste.The goal in scarfing down these decadent pieces of cake is not greed, but a hungering for the perfect piece where all the lumps were made smooth and the perfect amount of every ingredient has been mixed together.
I found a slice that seems to have been made by the world's most meticulous baker and I think I might have dropped it on the ground. In my defense, the previous piece seemed like perfection until I got to the middle and then it was like a mix of all the wrong, bitter, surprising flavors and I had to stop eating. So it is understandable that my hands are shaky and uncertain. I just hope that I can scoop it up and make it work, if not, well, then I've learned to be more confident in the slices I chose. I am learning to spot the choices slices and I'm getting better and better at it.
Ah cake. :)

Don't Be an Idiot

What need I say more?
We were asked to write an essay on  this prompt, "You have just learned that you have no more than 30 minutes to live. Everyone you have ever know - family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, even strangers with whom you only had brief contact - are gathered to hear you final thoughts. In 500 words what would you say to them?"
Only 500 words???? I have so much more to say!
As I was writing it I realized that I wouldn't leave it to my death bed. I have already told everyone, except random strangers, everything I would like to say. I would just say it again because, for some reason, being on a deathbed is sacred and the words one speaks hold more weight.
First and foremost I would have to say, "Don't be an idiot... Seriously." Especially to those who have found the secret to true happiness and for some reason or another don't give it the attention and dedication it deserves. Seriously? Why? What possible terrible excuse can you have for wasting your own happiness? Honestly?! Can you look yourself in the mirror and say, without shame, guilt, sarcasm, or longing, "I am perfectly content and at peace with the way I live now. Even if I could, I would change nothing." If you can't say that with utter confidence, FIX IT!!!! You know what to do, you just don't want to do it. YES... YOU DO.
Why? Why do we put off contentment, true happiness and peace???? WHY? Because Satan know what he's doing and he's convinced you you don't deserve. Well guess what? That is the biggest load of bullcrap that every person has swallowed at some point in his life. You do deserve to be happy. So get over yourself and shape up. When you fall down, don't beat yourself up. Get back on that horse and ride it! No, you can't do it alone no matter what you tell yourself. Yes, you have to make the choice, but you can't do it alone. That's why we have the atonement. Use it. Seriously. Don't be an idiot. Forgive yourself and love yourself or you will never, ever, ever find peace. Do it. Don't be an idiot.

A Call to Arms.

I'm sure you have noticed that my blog more and more often is religious and has aspects of religion. Throughout the last six months, I have realized that everything has to do with the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Every moment of every day I see more and more the Hand of the Lord stretched out in my life and the lives of others. I see the blessings He lays right before our eyes in the hopes that we will see it too and turn to Him.

The truth is, we can no longer be complacent. This is a war! We have been saved for these last days because we are strong and we can make a difference is the war for souls. We no longer can sit still and allow others to perform the task of saving our brothers and sisters who are lost! We must decide now to fight, we must decided now what side we will choose. We have to extend our hands and bring back our sisters and our brothers. Too many have fallen away, and lost sight of the truth. Will we be selfish and not reach out our hands to bring peace and healing to our brothers and sisters! We are the elect! The Lord's chosen! We cannot sit around, we must not be still, we must cry out and bring the beautiful good news to all corners of the world! We must open our eyes to the suffering and sorrows that lay all around us, most importantly in the ones we love. We must support and carry each other, in our stakes, in our wards, in our families. We must reach out to friends and strangers, to loved ones and even to ourselves. The gospel is true. It is worth fighting for, so are you, and so are the souls of our brothers and sisters. We must be, or become the safe harbors for those who lost their way. Get back on the path! Hold firm to the rod! Let go of the dangerous traps and lures of Satan! This is a call to arms! And if you do not hear the call, who will?

T-minus 7 Days

It's safe to say I have many mixed emotions. As in my previous post, I am very sad to be leaving Kingman. Ever since January all I've wanted is to just leave and be rid of the burden I carried, and now, I will greatly miss this beautiful town with it's incredible people.
My mother told me, "I will be glad to see you go, but I will miss you a lot."
As with any adventure there is trepidation and excitement. I worry about going back and starting a fresh, and yet I welcome the challenge and the opportunities there. So many others have moved on, but so many friends are still there, ready to help me out if I need comforting. I am different than I was four, or even two years ago. I know my course, I know trials and adversity, I know the beautiful and merciful power of the Atonement, I know the kind side of man, I know the ache of longing, I know the pain of cruel words, I know who I am, I know the love of God for my fellow man, I have been caught up by the flame of truth, I know the destiny I wish to leave written on the stars, I know the path I want to take, I know the greatness I could achieve, I know God lives, I know He loves me, I know the loss of a close friend, I know the devastation of watching someone leave the truth, I know the broken hearted, I know the truly humble, and I know myself.
Yes, I am very different than I was, and thank God for that.

Stories

I'm really glad my mother and I are so alike because we are anything but normal and it's nice to have an abnormal partner in my abnormalities.
The abnormality I'd like to talk about today is ... stories. Not the regular, sit down read a book story, but the story you make up on the spot after some small event that in your story could be hugely life changing. Like I said, hardly normal. It could be a look, or a phone call, or a text, or a simple phrase someone says or you would like someone to say, or a shoe, a book, a song, a hairstyle, an off-hand comment, an animal, a sunset, a full-moon, a half-moon, a quarter-moon, a new moon, a rude person, an over friendly person, a strange noise, a pleasant noise, an awful smell, a bland smell... I really could go on. I love to make up stories about my life that could possibly happen even if they don't. Not all the stories I make up are happy, but they all keep me highly entertained. Most are happy and almost all have me triumphing or being on top. I can be the kind of person I want to be in these stories, witty, clever, sweet, tough, capable, confident, kind, desirable, sharp, lucky, skilled. I guess that's what I love so much about writing stories. I don't think I've finished a 10th of the stories I write, but I love to capture a perfect moment in time. I write my destiny and other people do what I want them to in my stories.
But, I do love real life, wouldn't it be boring if you knew what was going to happen and when? I still write my destiny, but I always am interested in how other people shape it.

Easter

Renewal, rebirth, redemption, rejoicing, reliving, resurrection, remade, remembered, returned, reflection. All these I associate with Easter. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we like to focus more on the Atonement and Christ's Resurrection than on his death, which is why we don't wear crosses or have crosses on our churches. Our message is hope and love and second, third, fourth, and fortieth chances. Christ suffered for us, died, and lived again all that we might return to live with our Heavenly Father and be truly happy once more.

Nothing we can do is terrible that it cannot be washed away with the blood of the Lamb. No matter how far down the path we go, we can always turn back and climb upwards. The Lord has promised us this and He never breaks His promises. Who are we to question Him or deny His word? It is pride and foolishness that tell us we are the exceptions to His rules, that we are too broken for Him to fix us. If you put a limitation on yourself you put a limitation on the Lord's power. He has no limits on His power, there is NOTHING He cannot fix, and NO ONE He cannot save if they will turn to Him. We have to take that first step, but He will not leave us to walk alone, we will never walk alone.

I echo Elder Perry's sentiments that Jesus is the Christ. I know that the scriptures are true and they will lead us to true happiness. Test our words, read the Book of Mormon, pray to the Lord, what harm can it do? None, it can only bring great joy and happiness into your life as it has brought it into mine. The Lord loves you and is waiting for you to come unto Him and be perfected.

In Whom Do You Trust

In whom do you trust? In whom do you trust? In whom do you trust? In whom do you trust? Any way you ask me that question I know my answer.

Unfair.

"Unfair!" cried the child who didn't quite know,
Why his dear loving mother would not let him go.
"I've done what you asked, sitting quiet and still.
I can't take any more learning, it's making me ill.
The others are playing out under the sun,
I want to play too, I want to have fun."

"Be patient my boy." said the wise gentle mother
Who remembered quite well being taught by another.
"The things that you learn will make you much stronger.
Just sit here and listen for a little while longer.
Others may play, but a lesson they lose,
They find they will need, when a choice they must chose."

"Unfair!" cried the girl at the grade on her test.
She was always more restless, half listening at best.
"I've done what you asked, haven't I satisfied you?
I've answered my best, why aren't all of these true?
I just cannot sit and study forever,
I have to run free, not tied by a tether!"

"Be patient dear child." said the fair and just teacher
Who'd taught many a child, some quite like this creature.
"You must learn to sit with patience and skill,
To listen to the words, and bend to the will,
Of those who have trod the path before you.
We know what is best and what you must do."

"Unfair!" Cried the youth at his parents' strict rules.
He could not understand why they seemed like such mules.
"I've done what you asked, right down to a tee.
So why must you always be picking on me.
Why don't you trust me to do what is right?
I know all I should, you treat me with spite."

"Be patient my boy." said the parents so sad.
They could see he was good, but part of him bad.
"We just want to help you and keep you from harm,
The things that you've done have cause us alarm.
We know what it's like, standing there in your shoes.
We just want to prepare you and teach you to choose."

"Unfair." Wept the woman who'd lost one she loved,
With pangs of deep sorrow crying to heav'n above.
"I've done what you asked, and helped all my brothers.
Couldn't you possibly, probably take someone other,
And give me back my loved one so dear.
Do you not see the pain sitting here in one tear?

"Be patient my child." Spoke the soft gentle voice,
The one that was wise, who helps guide our choice.
"I know that you hurt, for I've felt your sorrow.
I'll weep with you now and look forward to tomorrow.
Your pain will ease, and your burden grow lighter,
I'll be with you always, and help you grow brighter."

"Unfair." Never passed the lips of his face,
And yet he was the one being of pure grace.
"I've done what you've asked, my work here is done.
Now I can return to my Father as Son.
Mankind will sorrow, but taste of sweet joy.
If they will remember and my guidance employ.
We will be there beside them and show them the way,
So they may return to truly live some day.
Just listen my children, trust in your heart,
And my Spirit from you will never depart.
I'll help you through the choices you choose,
And with me by your side, you never can lose.

~Tegan Rachel

Promises

Broken promises hurt, both when I break them or others do. I don't like the feeling of having failed, or of being let down. But, I also know that I am human, and that others are human and I do not begrudge anyone their humanity. We all make mistakes and we all learn from them. Not everything is in our power. And that is the lesson that I have studiously been trying to not learn... and so God teaches me again and again.
But, here are a couple pictures of 2 promises that I know are true. And promises that will never be broken.

One: God and Christ love me. I will find it in my heart to love and be loved again, I do not know if the face will be familiar or new, but I will love again. Eventually, after I have healed enough. So I wear this ring as a promise to and reminder for myself.

Two: All of the promises in this book. We can find healing and true happiness in the arms of our Lord and through the guidance of the Holy Ghost if we will listen and be obedient. 

Three: The sun will always rise and bring a new day of promise. The sign before Christ's birth the day and the night were filled with light. Even when the American continent was covered in darkness the sun rose and set. After the dark night there always comes a dawn.

Healing

Everyone wants to be healed and whole and happy. It is the deepest human desire and one that is often challenged and pushed aside when aches and pains rear their heads. Sometimes we try to heal ourselves, and for the little hurts, it works, but sometimes it's like putting a band-aid on a broken heart. We can only do so much for ourselves before we are overwhelmed and turn to despair. We can try to bury it, but it will never truly leave us alone and affects us even when we are unaware. We cannot and should not go through this life alone. God put us in families and gave us the desire to be loved and needed for a reason. He also gave us the beautiful tool of prayer. When all else fails, He will not, He will not. It is we that distance ourselves from Him, He will never turn away from us, never tell us we don't matter, never deny us His outstretched arms, never betray us, never do anything that is not for our good, and never allow us to be given more than we can handle.
He gives us angels in our families and in our lives around us, people to hold us in their arms when we need it most. Counsel to help us through our darkest times. Eyes to see what was so crucial for us that we could not see. Ears to listen when we need to tell our deepest desires. Love to comfort us and let us know that we are not worthless or hopeless or wrong. No matter what we do we can be whole again, no matter what we experience or what others do to us, we can be whole.
But the Lord will never take away our agency. We have to want to be whole, we have to come to others, to open up our vulnerability and let others know that we are not perfect. Which is almost silly because no one, save Christ alone, is perfect. "Everybody's got stuff." Trusting others is hard and frightening, but the peace and healing that comes from it is worth everything. The Atonement is real, all our pains can be swallowed up and we can be whole. Truly completely whole. All we have to do is let Him in, open our hearts and lean on others. That's why we are here, to lean on each other, everybody needs somebody.

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one,     not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God’s will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness…We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as a way in which they should break, so be it.What I know about love and believe about love and giving ones heart began in this. - C. S. Lewis

A New Interest

I don't know why but I have taken a sudden interest in how I and other people work. I've been checking out books that help me learn this. One book in particular has snagged my attention for the past few weeks.

This book is absolutely FASCINATING! I love it! It's like he knows everything about me and how I work. It's crazy. And although it's not doctrine or anything, it's pretty cool!

For most of my life I have been yellow. Straight up, purely crazy yellow.

Fun-lovin, carefree, guiltless, innocent, trusting, naive, attention-seeking, spotlight-grabbing, people-loving, party-harding, impulsive, cheerful, crazy. All very yellow things. But lately, some other colors have been catching up to me.

White, for instance is trying to crowd out my yellow.

timid, peacemaker, nonverbal, good listener, loyal, easygoing, forgiving, goes with the flow, silently stubborn, doesn't volunteer feelings or opinion, content.

I don't feel a need to run out and be the center of attention. I've become shy with people I don't know and I don't take the aggressive step in getting to know them that I used to. I don't voice my opinions that perhaps someone should let down their hair a little cuz they are coming across as a little crazy. I'm more passive, but still just as fun loving and sometimes my yellow peeks out and says, "Hey! Remember me? Remember all the crazy fun times we had? Let's do it again!"

Even the blue part of my personality is becoming more apparent.

easily guilted, manipulating (only a little bit for me), emotional, concerned for others,

Little to no red is even part of my personality. That seems to have died away.

Seriously, go read this book. I have learned so much and I greatly enjoy it. You won't see people the same again.

What a Blessing

To listen to the words of the Lord every six months. To be filled with the wisdom and knowledge from above. To have eternal truth shared with us and taught to us. To know that our Lord loves us because He chooses to share this with us. To be surrounded by friends and family and share the spirit that undeniably exists when those prophetic men and women speak. To tangibly feel their love and concern for us. To know they do pray about us and want the best for us. To be touched when the subject they speak on hits upon the exact circumstances in your and my life. To know that your prayers have been answered and the Lord is very, very mindful of you..

What a blessing.

This General Conference I had the opportunity to actually be in the Conference center for the first time in my life. It was an experience that I reveled in and greatly enjoyed. The best part was, I was only eleven rows away from the prophet, and some odd feet because I was off to the far left. They were so close and so real. It was a beautiful blessing to be so near the prophet of the Lord and to feel of his presence.

Onto the funny stories. Heh heh heh. Katherine and I found parking and proceeded to walk toward the Conference Center when we were approached by a man and asked "Do you have any extra tickets?" This in itself is not funny. I just so happened to noticed his hair... He was balding and had the monk ring around his head with a balding top AND a tuft of hair right smack in the center of his forehead. When he turned and jogged toward the person in front of us, almost running into the trees on the side of the road, I burst into laughter because even better than his hairstyle was that the tuft of hair stood straight up when he ran. I dub thee Quail Man. Yes, I know I'm a terrible person, I simply could not contain my laughter.

Then I got felt up by a missionary. Not really. His hand just so happened to swing right into the path of my thigh as we were weaving through people trying to find the right doors. Me, being my dramatic self gasped aloud. Katherine just started cracking up.

Katherine and I are slightly bizarre under any circumstance and down right ridiculous under and circumstance when we are together. I apologized to the man in front of us.

"We aren't usually like this." Then I stared at him until he realized I was talking to him.

"Why? You should be like this all the time."

"If we were honest, we'd admit we are like this all the time." Katherine interjected.

"But only in public." I clarified.

"Absolutely! Share it with others!" The large man told us. Yeah, he's cool.

ON the way home I was conversing with Katherine when something moved on her seat. Here was my reaction to that thing I was very certain was a bug with far too many legs.

"Yeah, so they were like, AAAAAAHHH! Oh, just kidding." The bug turned out to be a piece of lint with hairs attached to it. No cause for alarm. But it could have killed me if it hadn't been a piece of lint.

Slippin and Flyin

Sometimes I find myself slippin.

I find my friends who live far away slippin through my hands and enjoyin simple things that I used to do with them. Which was fine when I was with them... but now?

I feel like my life is slippin out of control and spiralin... who knows where.

I feel my time slippin away.

I find myself slippin into obsession with minute details about inconsequential pieces of my life.

I find life movin on around me and slippin by. I sit on the bus of life and see people at stations that I would like to get off at, but I don't have the right ticket.

I find my self confidence slippin and pain and hurt slippin into my life.

I find my self wishing to slip into sleep, only to be disappointed as the beautiful dreams I once

had have slipped away, replaced by drab, frightening ones.

And it is in those moments that I realize how blessed I am that those things are slippin away. Cuz if they didn't, if those ropes didn't slip through my fingers, I would never have learned to fly.

If I held on fiercely to any of these ropes I wouldn't have the faith and push I need to fly.

If I held fiercely on to my friends in far away places I would miss the sparkling personalities here that need my example to fly too.

If I controlled every detail of my life, I wouldn't be where He needed me.

If I didn't learn to slow down and appreciate being

still

I couldn't see the profound peace that comes from it.

If I didn't focus on those details I would never have been able to appreciate the relief when I realized they just weren't that important.

If I didn't wish for the other stages of life I wouldn't have talked with others in those stages and looked back to realize I really like were I am. It's a time to grew and develop on my own.

If I hadn't lost my self confidence temporarily, I wouldn't have noticed others who needed to be built up more than I did. Sometimes losing self confidence isn't all bad.

If all I had was beautiful dreams, how could I appreciate them for the vibrancy and color, the details, and the happy contented feeling I wake up with?

Letting go of the rope that is slippin through your hands is sometimes the only way to fly.

Mudlake Idaho

Most beautiful place on the face of this earth. I found my soul there and felt more connected with the Lord than I have in any other place. Part of it was the people I was there with and part of it was that I was cut off. By that I mean that I had little to no way to reach out to the world beyond through electronics. The internet cable was chewed, I had no cell phone service and the nearest town with places to shop was forty minutes away.

The family I stayed with was amazing beyond amazing. Here is their oldest child. Howard. He was two and he LOVED riding the four wheeler, hence the helmet on his head. He was sassy, adorable and the sweetest child I've ever met. He once pushed his dinner plate toward his father and said, "No, YOU eat it." Oh dear Howard.

Here are the kids with their father. An amazing man with an amazing wife. They were kind enough to let me stay with them while I was working and searching for a job. This was Memorial Day 2009. Such a good day. I ate way too many roasted marshmallows that day because James just kept roasting them and passing them around. He was an excellent roaster I might add. Mmm....

Here is Doc/Big Red, I named him but I couldn't decide which name I liked better, the horse I was to train for the duration of my stay. He was gentle horse that didn't really like to be away from his tiny circular corral. May I add that I love horses? They are beautiful creatures.

And here is their second child. Omi. Naomi. The cutest, sweetest, smartest little girl I've ever met. I taught her to wink, kind of, she winks both eyes but I taught her how. I love her laugh. She is lovable and full of love to give. She warmed up to me faster than Howard did. I remember her talking into the phone to no one on the other end but she was so happy to be doing what her mother did all the time. Oh children.

The people of Mudlake were much like the angels in heaven. Everyone was open and friendly with the intention of making everyone feel at home. From the first moment I joined them in Enrichment to the day I left I felt welcomed and cared about. I only wish my stay could have been longer. It was the closest to Zion I've ever been.

I've always loved small towns and Mudlake, Idaho reaffirmed the wisdom to my wish. I felt safe and alive in that small town. I hope I can live somewhere like it someday.

You could most definitely feel the love in that town. I imagine that Enoch's city was so successful because everyone loved each other and were concerned with their neighbor's lives and how they could make them better. I intend to live the rest of my life watching out for the other people I'm around.

(Song: Vanilla Twilight - Owl City)

Extrospection, Introspection

Tonight I watched BYU's production of Blood Wedding, later I watched Chuck: Chuck Versus the Tic-Tac both put me in an introspective mood.

About love.

Yeah, it seems like that is all we hear, love this, love that, hate such and such, hate blah-de blah. But... isn't that the whole reason we are here?

Love.

Such a powerful emotion that changes lives in all sorts of ways. In Blood Wedding love destroyed lives, yet it can't be love because love only builds, it doesn't destroy. The Love between the girl and the man she loves was once pure but no longer holds the pure quality it had. When he married another his love became twisted into lust, had he really loved her he would have let her find happiness in the marriage she was about to enter. Loving someone is wanting the best for them no matter what it does to you. It's letting yourself be torn apart by the emotions you hold and never letting the other see the destruction.

Or is it? Shouldn't we fight for the ones we love? When does love change?

When is it wrong?

To hold so tightly to another and desire to always be with them? When we give up the ones we love, is it simply for the social acceptance?

Yes and no.

We should fight for the ones we love, but we should not stand in the way of their happiness. When they choose another we should love them enough to step back and let go. If our love cannot do that, then

it isn't love.

In Chuck Casey (my favorite character) tells Chuck that he chose long ago love of country over love and that "you need to figure out which is best for you." Even though I highly doubt I will ever be spy and have to choose between those two options there will be times in my life where I will have to choose between love of ___ (fill in the blank) and love. There will be times with I will choose the love of, and there will be times when

I choose love.

Another part of Chuck revealed a little bit of love. Ellie and Devin (Chuck's sister and bro-in-law) both have conflicting desires. Ellie just got accepted into her dream school and Devin wants to join Doctors Without Borders. Each argues their individual points. In the end Ellie tells Chuck she is willing to go with Devin.

"Dreams change."

Devin takes Ellie into their house and tells her that he is willing to stay for her because he knows it what she's always wanted.

That is love.

Sacrificing what you want to make the other person happy. Not just in a romantic sense either. Lest you think I'm centered on that. It's for everyone. The whole reason we came to this earth is to learn to love others. Christ is the ultimate example of love. He gave all he had, comfort, life, freedom, innocence, for you, and for me. He did not put himself above the rest of us, he gave freely and purely, his love was not twisted in anyway. His whole life was devoted to giving all he had to others and making their lives better. That is what love means.

Love is scary.

I know. You invest your whole soul in another person, boyfriend, husband, friend, child, mother, father, sister, brother, nephew, niece, uncle, aunt, grandparent and sometimes you don't get the return you wanted. Sometimes it is hard. Sometimes it takes years before you can see a change or feel loved in return. Sometimes those who love you most and whom you love most in return are the ones who cut you deepest.

Love isn't always easy.

But it is so rewarding. It's what life is all about.

(Songs: MoTab: I Feel My Savior's Love; Michael Buble: LOVE)

Livin' off Love

After speaking with my mother last night and my roommates last night and this morning, I came up with this imagery of love. It may be that I've heard it before, it may be that I made it up entirely, but, whatever the case, here it sits.

Humankind stands on the brink of a vast canyon. Each of us live our lives with our toes curled around the edge. Behind us stands a forest, neither dark nor foreboding, simply there. In front of us lies the greatest drop we've ever seen and beyond that lies a vast land full of greenery, fruits, rivers, and flowers. We stand wondering what we need to do to get to the land we see beyond us. Small groups form, debating what the best way would be to get across. Two people, a man and a woman jump from the edge, they fly for quite a ways before he tells her she is holding his hand too tight and they begin bickering. They are no longer able to fly and both plummet toward the rocks below. Cries go up down the line of humanity, some begin weeping. Another couple launches themselves off the edge and this time they make it to the land beyond with out quibbling. They land gracefully and begin wandering around and looking at all the wonderous sights. Wonder and awe fills the people standing on the ledge. The couple below pick themselves back up and take hands again, they begin to soar again and though they fall back down many times, they pick themselves back up and make it to the other side.

A man flings himself off the edge, trying to reach the other side alone. He falls as soon as his feet leave the earth. Battered and bruised, he picks himself up but cannot seem to go anywhere but back. He climbs and reaches the rest of humanity again.

Some people panic and run into the forest, I am one of them. The forest is safe and has what I need to sustain myself, alone, I don't need anyone to help me. Every once in a while I run back to the edge and gaze longingly into the land beyond. Many times someone comes up to me and offers to take me there. Even though I know that two can make it together I've seen too many people fall to the rocks below and some never make it back up. They choose to stay down among the rocks because they can't be hurt again if they are already on the ground. I don't want to be one of those people. I retreat into the forest each time, never taking a hand.

This last time though, someone approaches me with honesty and confidence in his eyes. He admits that he is scared too, but he is willing to try. He stretches out his hand and I take it. We make it to the edge, panic wells up inside me, but I look into his eyes and he smiles at me. I take confidence and we fling ourselves off.

I've never felt this before, flying, it is beautiful and wonderful. I look at him and laugh, he is amazed too. I let my eyes wander and I see the rocks below us, fear grabs me and I feel myself falling. I'm pulling him down too, I look at him and see that he is afraid too, we begin falling faster. I try to let go so I won't drag him down too but he holds firm and tries to pull me up. I believe he can pull us back up and already I feel myself floating again. We straighten out and continue flying toward the land before us. Many friends stand to greet us cheering us on. Finally we touch down and embrace those around us.

I realize that if I hadn't been willing to fall I would never have flown. I had to be willing to take the chance that I might have been dashed against the rocks below, because being where I am now is completely worth it. I had finally been able to trust that someone else had my best interests at heart too.

Mankind is retarded sometimes.

Mad cow disease - caused by cow feed that had sick sheep tissue. That's just plain twisted either way you cut it.

Hepatitis A - strawberries in a field with "inadequate toilet facilities" provided for the workers. Also from shellfish living in waters infested by human waste.

Cause of the illnesses frequently visiting humanity - humanity.

Hoorah for our intelligence. Knowledge obtained courtesy of Rood Fundamentals Edition 9 by Margret McWilliams

On the plus side, Einstein is wayyyyyyy awesome!