Morning Measurements
Weight: 154
Waist: 34"
Hips: 38 3/4"
Thighs: 23 1/2"
So this day I learned quite a bit about myself. I LOOOOOVVVVEEE food. It's a problem, I'm super addicted. Which is why I am doing this detox. I learned the difference between being hungry and wanting food. I wasn't hungry all day but I was craving snacks all day. And I was warring about following through with the cleanse. So I'm determined to keep going and mind over matter.
Showing posts with label fears. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fears. Show all posts
May 9, 2016
Jan 14, 2015
Letting Go, Not As Easy As I'd Like.
I suppose we all have some obsessive compulsive leanings. There are certain things about our lives that we want to control. I didn't think I was that bad. And perhaps I am not, comparatively.
But I do want to control parts of my life. I don't like leaving it to chance.
But I'm not am I?
Perhaps throughout my blog, should you care to have followed it, you've seen hints and musings about my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Yes, I am a member of that church, affectionately referred to as Mormons. And being part of the church has changed me fundamentally.
The core purpose of the teachings of the church is to bring its members closer to their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And quite honestly that is the most important relationship any man can develop. If you are not working to gain a stronger closer relationship with your Savior, none of your other relationships will matter. I'm not saying that relationships don't matter, because they do. But they can't be what they could be with out that fundamental relationship, nor will they ultimately matter.
There is so much literature that encourages and teaches of the relationship one can develop with one's Savior. And it is my relationship with my Savior that has fundamentally changed me, undoubtedly and unarguably for the better.
Side track that will make sense when I tie it back in - the closer you, (ok, I) become in a relationship, the harder it is to trust that person fully and completely. Harder and easier simultaneously.
I don't know what it is about this life, but paradoxes are the only things that make sense. How's that for a paradox? You are welcome.
So, yes, easier because the person you relate to has shown you that he can be trusted. Harder because the deeper you delve into a relationship, the more tender parts of your person you share and trust the other with.
I trust my Savior, he has never, ever let me down. Not when I have worked and opened, truly opened, myself to his gentle guidance. But, here we go, but, I want to control my life. I want to know what is coming so I can prepare for it and batten the hatches if necessary. Doesn't everyone? Wouldn't life be so much easier if we knew everything that would happen. Would it? Easier maybe, but easier is never quite as bright and rewarding, don'tcha think?
I don't want an easy life, easy is boring but, not only is it boring, it also holds less meaning. If everything were handed to you, what would you gain? You'd have everything, but what would that mean anyway?
So, I'd know what is coming, but what cause would I have to hope? I wouldn't have the gift of surprise. Have you met someone who is never surprised? Not quite the most fun person in the world, am I right? Besides, you'd think I'd learn my lesson(s) from thinking I knew what the future held. I felt trapped and terrified, I looked for a way out of the future I was certain was coming. It was a burden I didn't need.
This post is longer than I thought it would be. Welcome to my thoughts, good luck finding your way out. Mwahaha.
So, why don't I relinquish my burden to the Savior and trust Him to guide my life as is necessary? He has before shown me that He will turn over the reins of my life if I ask for them. It didn't make me happier, it was actually a drudgery. So, why is it so painful every time I hand the reins back to Him?
I communed with my Savior yesterday as I sat in the temple. He reminded me that I was trying to control my life and my plans are not his. Much to my chagrin, and to a small part, my shame. So I bowed my head and handed the reins back over. It was terrifying. It still is. But, my illusion of control, though comforting, was just that, an illusion. I no more know what the future holds than I can flap my arms and fly. I have an idea and many hopes, but no certain knowledge. Not only was my illusion an illusion, but it was also very limiting. Because of that illusion I could not see other possibilities. No, none have sprung up yet, but I am not limited and blinded to them now, should they wish to appear.
Here's another paradox for you, Faith is juxtapose Fear, yes? Yes. Where faith exists fear cannot, and vice versa. Well, I find that I am still nervous when I think of the future and it's uncertainty. Nervous is fear in a very small portion right? Ok. Here's the kicker, Even though I'm nervous and that nervousness is in part because I am trusting my Savior, I have full faith in Him. That bit of fear I have is because of my faith. And I'd take that bit of fear over an illusion of control any day. Every time.
Perhaps it's not fear at all, maybe it's pain and humility reminding me that I have to rely on someone other than myself. But it is so freeing. And terrifying. Did I mention that it's still scary. But I have faith. And faith in someone I know will never lead me astray.
Whooo, ok. Now, I accept it wholly.
I'll check back with you on that.
But I do want to control parts of my life. I don't like leaving it to chance.
But I'm not am I?
Perhaps throughout my blog, should you care to have followed it, you've seen hints and musings about my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Yes, I am a member of that church, affectionately referred to as Mormons. And being part of the church has changed me fundamentally.
The core purpose of the teachings of the church is to bring its members closer to their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And quite honestly that is the most important relationship any man can develop. If you are not working to gain a stronger closer relationship with your Savior, none of your other relationships will matter. I'm not saying that relationships don't matter, because they do. But they can't be what they could be with out that fundamental relationship, nor will they ultimately matter.
There is so much literature that encourages and teaches of the relationship one can develop with one's Savior. And it is my relationship with my Savior that has fundamentally changed me, undoubtedly and unarguably for the better.
Side track that will make sense when I tie it back in - the closer you, (ok, I) become in a relationship, the harder it is to trust that person fully and completely. Harder and easier simultaneously.
I don't know what it is about this life, but paradoxes are the only things that make sense. How's that for a paradox? You are welcome.
So, yes, easier because the person you relate to has shown you that he can be trusted. Harder because the deeper you delve into a relationship, the more tender parts of your person you share and trust the other with.
I trust my Savior, he has never, ever let me down. Not when I have worked and opened, truly opened, myself to his gentle guidance. But, here we go, but, I want to control my life. I want to know what is coming so I can prepare for it and batten the hatches if necessary. Doesn't everyone? Wouldn't life be so much easier if we knew everything that would happen. Would it? Easier maybe, but easier is never quite as bright and rewarding, don'tcha think?
I don't want an easy life, easy is boring but, not only is it boring, it also holds less meaning. If everything were handed to you, what would you gain? You'd have everything, but what would that mean anyway?
So, I'd know what is coming, but what cause would I have to hope? I wouldn't have the gift of surprise. Have you met someone who is never surprised? Not quite the most fun person in the world, am I right? Besides, you'd think I'd learn my lesson(s) from thinking I knew what the future held. I felt trapped and terrified, I looked for a way out of the future I was certain was coming. It was a burden I didn't need.
This post is longer than I thought it would be. Welcome to my thoughts, good luck finding your way out. Mwahaha.
So, why don't I relinquish my burden to the Savior and trust Him to guide my life as is necessary? He has before shown me that He will turn over the reins of my life if I ask for them. It didn't make me happier, it was actually a drudgery. So, why is it so painful every time I hand the reins back to Him?
I communed with my Savior yesterday as I sat in the temple. He reminded me that I was trying to control my life and my plans are not his. Much to my chagrin, and to a small part, my shame. So I bowed my head and handed the reins back over. It was terrifying. It still is. But, my illusion of control, though comforting, was just that, an illusion. I no more know what the future holds than I can flap my arms and fly. I have an idea and many hopes, but no certain knowledge. Not only was my illusion an illusion, but it was also very limiting. Because of that illusion I could not see other possibilities. No, none have sprung up yet, but I am not limited and blinded to them now, should they wish to appear.
Here's another paradox for you, Faith is juxtapose Fear, yes? Yes. Where faith exists fear cannot, and vice versa. Well, I find that I am still nervous when I think of the future and it's uncertainty. Nervous is fear in a very small portion right? Ok. Here's the kicker, Even though I'm nervous and that nervousness is in part because I am trusting my Savior, I have full faith in Him. That bit of fear I have is because of my faith. And I'd take that bit of fear over an illusion of control any day. Every time.
Perhaps it's not fear at all, maybe it's pain and humility reminding me that I have to rely on someone other than myself. But it is so freeing. And terrifying. Did I mention that it's still scary. But I have faith. And faith in someone I know will never lead me astray.
Whooo, ok. Now, I accept it wholly.
I'll check back with you on that.
Jan 20, 2014
One Step Enough For Me
Lead, kindly Light, amid the encircling gloom; lead thou me on! The night is dark and I am far from home; Lead thou me on! Keep thou my feet; I don't ask to see the distant scene - one step enough for me.
~John Henry Newman
One step enough for me. Once that would have terrified me and I would have fought tooth and nail to see and know. But now, I trust. And I do, I do trust, wholly and completely. The Lord does lead me one step at a time. He give me just enough light to see the step I need to take, so I prepare to take that step. Sometimes before I even make the step, he sheds light on a step just slightly to the left or right of that step. Sometimes I actually make it to that step. Then, once I have taken the step he's shown me, he shows me the next step. I used to pray that he would illuminate the entire path for me. He did, and I felt trapped. I didn't want that path, I didn't make sense and it was confusing and wrong. But I had asked, so I learned to accept it. When I finally accepted it, he gently took me by the hand and should me one step on a different path. Still I asked to have the whole pathway illuminated, but the Lord is patient and wise. I had to be content with one step. I cried and begged and pleaded. Finally I humbled myself and trusted.
My mother always tells me that the Lord doesn't micromanage. I know he doesn't, and the Lord wants a people that don't have to be counseled in all things. But, I also know, that if we are paying attention, and listening for it, the small but significant choices we make can be guided. The Lord doesn't tell me what to eat or even tell me to read my scriptures every time I wake up. He has told me once, and if I want to prove myself to him I will doe as he asks me.
Sometimes I do ask for the answer over and over again because I just want to be sure I didn't get it wrong. Sometimes he is so patient and he tells me over and over. Sometimes he waits in silence for me to remember that I know the answer.
I could go on for hours. It sufficeth me to say, "One step enough for me." Lead thou me on.
~John Henry Newman
One step enough for me. Once that would have terrified me and I would have fought tooth and nail to see and know. But now, I trust. And I do, I do trust, wholly and completely. The Lord does lead me one step at a time. He give me just enough light to see the step I need to take, so I prepare to take that step. Sometimes before I even make the step, he sheds light on a step just slightly to the left or right of that step. Sometimes I actually make it to that step. Then, once I have taken the step he's shown me, he shows me the next step. I used to pray that he would illuminate the entire path for me. He did, and I felt trapped. I didn't want that path, I didn't make sense and it was confusing and wrong. But I had asked, so I learned to accept it. When I finally accepted it, he gently took me by the hand and should me one step on a different path. Still I asked to have the whole pathway illuminated, but the Lord is patient and wise. I had to be content with one step. I cried and begged and pleaded. Finally I humbled myself and trusted.
My mother always tells me that the Lord doesn't micromanage. I know he doesn't, and the Lord wants a people that don't have to be counseled in all things. But, I also know, that if we are paying attention, and listening for it, the small but significant choices we make can be guided. The Lord doesn't tell me what to eat or even tell me to read my scriptures every time I wake up. He has told me once, and if I want to prove myself to him I will doe as he asks me.
Sometimes I do ask for the answer over and over again because I just want to be sure I didn't get it wrong. Sometimes he is so patient and he tells me over and over. Sometimes he waits in silence for me to remember that I know the answer.
I could go on for hours. It sufficeth me to say, "One step enough for me." Lead thou me on.
Sep 10, 2013
Insecurities
When I tell people that I have self-confidence issues I usually get some sort of reaction like this:
Just cuz I fake it really well. Ok, fine, it's not that I fake it really well, it's that I have no self confidence when it comes to people. And by that I mean, I know my worth insofar as the Lord is concerned and so, for the most part, I don't really care what people think of me. That is, until I start caring about them. Then I care what they think about me and then I start worrying and picking apart everything I do and I realize I do a lot of dumb things that people might not like and what if they don't like me when they get to know me and how long do I wait until I'm sure that the other shoe won't drop because I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop even though I know that is irrational and I'm being a little silly and what if I don't tell him that I appreciate him enough because I do but I have this thing where I like to tease people because I don't want them knowing just how much I like them but what if they think I don't appreciate them or see them but what if I'm too honest.... It goes on and on and on. I hate it.
Sigh, one of these days I'll stop being so insecure. But now I have a boyfriend, so it's full tilt. ONWARD INSECURITIES! DROWN HER! RUIN IT ALL!
Well, I refuse to let you. So there.
Apr 14, 2013
How to Save the World?
I wish I knew. My roommate has been having a rough go of life. I want to take away her pain and her loneliness. But, I know my other rommie is right, she is now in a place where only she can help herself. And she will probably struggle for the rest of her life.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, life is a balancing act. Too much of anything is bad, moderation is good. Often, we human beings go from one extreme to the other and we can't seem to find the safe middle of the seesaw. We got on at one end and thunk to the ground. So, we get up and run to the other end only to be bucked off.
Some few of us immediately figure out that we need to stand in the middle to be safe from hurt. Most of us will go back to the other extreme, not as far though. And so we go from one end to the other, each time a little less farther out. Finally, we find the middle and, hopefully, stay there. Some of us just keep going from one extreme to the other trying to figure it out.
The Savior understands the seesaw differently. He invites other to come sit with him and enjoy the seesaw. He will often come sit with us and helps us figure out how to obtain balance with the skills we are given. He encourages us to invite others to join us. And we in turn help them find the balance in their own lives.
So many times I forget that happiness comes from helping others and focusing on their happiness. It's really funny, we can't be happy until we focus on helping others to be happy. The more we focus on ourselves, the more miserable and unhappy we become. Playing on a seesaw is less fun when you try on your own. You can't reach the full heights as you can when someone else plays with you.
I wish I could help her see this, but she is too buried in her pain and resigned to feeling nothing to avoid pain. I cannot bring her out. I just hope she will bring herself out soon and take joy in the beautiful things around her.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, life is a balancing act. Too much of anything is bad, moderation is good. Often, we human beings go from one extreme to the other and we can't seem to find the safe middle of the seesaw. We got on at one end and thunk to the ground. So, we get up and run to the other end only to be bucked off.
Some few of us immediately figure out that we need to stand in the middle to be safe from hurt. Most of us will go back to the other extreme, not as far though. And so we go from one end to the other, each time a little less farther out. Finally, we find the middle and, hopefully, stay there. Some of us just keep going from one extreme to the other trying to figure it out.
The Savior understands the seesaw differently. He invites other to come sit with him and enjoy the seesaw. He will often come sit with us and helps us figure out how to obtain balance with the skills we are given. He encourages us to invite others to join us. And we in turn help them find the balance in their own lives.
So many times I forget that happiness comes from helping others and focusing on their happiness. It's really funny, we can't be happy until we focus on helping others to be happy. The more we focus on ourselves, the more miserable and unhappy we become. Playing on a seesaw is less fun when you try on your own. You can't reach the full heights as you can when someone else plays with you.
I wish I could help her see this, but she is too buried in her pain and resigned to feeling nothing to avoid pain. I cannot bring her out. I just hope she will bring herself out soon and take joy in the beautiful things around her.
Nov 27, 2012
Reason, Season, Lifetime
Sorry I've been away for so long. I don't really have an excuse.
My Doctrine and Covenant class has us write what is called Scenario Papers where we use at least three scriptures from the D&C to answer personal questions from classmates. Today I chose to answer this one.
My Doctrine and Covenant class has us write what is called Scenario Papers where we use at least three scriptures from the D&C to answer personal questions from classmates. Today I chose to answer this one.
By January, two of my current roommates will have moved
out (reasons: marriage and study abroad). They are some of my best friends and
I'm really sad that I won't be living with them any more. How can I prepare
myself for this huge change?
Change
is difficult for so many things. It almost always is good, especially when you
trust in the Lord and look to him in every thought (Proverbs 3:6). I roomed
with complete strangers this summer and by the end of our short two months
together I had become closer friends with them than anyone else I’d ever roomed
with. It broke my heart to see them go, I hate it when people I’m close to
leave. The roommate I’d grown closest to had written down a poem she knew
called, “Reason, Season and Lifetime.” It is an incredible poem and it opened
my eyes. People who come into our lives for a Reason teach us a lesson and then
are gone, not because we did anything wrong, but because that is how it was
meant to be. “And how it was possible for him to preach to those spirits and
perform the necessary labor among them in so short a time” (D&C 138:28).
There are necessary labors for all of us to perform for others, and sometimes
that is all that is required.
Other
people come into our lives for a Season, we learn more than one lesson from
them and develop a great relationship. But, again, they leave without any wrong
doing on our part. Sometimes it is to help us get through a hard time, or to
teach us something that takes longer than a Reason. Always they make
significant impact on our lives. It may seem trivial to ask the Lord for help
when others leave our lives but according to the prophecy of Isaiah, “the
Redeemer was anointed to bind up the broken-hearted” (D&C 138:42). Before
this year I had never realized just how much the Atonement of Christ covers. It
is infinite, I had always thought that meant it went forwards and backwards
through time. Now my understanding has been expanded and I realized it covers
everything infinitely, every hurt, every sorrow, every moment of loneliness,
every tear, every disappointment, every sin, every mistake, every ill spoken
word, every loss, everything. Even the heartache of losing those close to us
for a short time, or for a very long time.
Some
people come into our lives for a Lifetime. Perhaps your roommates will be there
for you for a lifetime. Just because people leave doesn't mean that we can’t
reach out to them and stay in touch. I know it’s not the same, but life has
many people who come to reach and teach us. There will be more who will help
and build you up. That doesn't mean we forget the first, but we can and must allow
others to come in. “But behold, from among the righteous, he organized his forces
and appointed messengers, clothed with power and authority, and commissioned
them to go forth and carry the light of the gospel to them that were in
darkness, even to all the spirits of men” (D&C 138:30). Whether people come
into my life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime, I do all I can to touch their
lives and leave them with a little more light than I found them. It makes it easier to let them go, and I know I will see them again.
Writing this broke my heart a bit.
Here's the poem.
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
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Oct 29, 2012
What's the Point?
"Being married won't make me happy. ... I once was happy but now I'm even more miserable. ... I tried, it didn't work. ... I don't want this. ... Socializing brings more pain. ... If I'd never asked her on that first date I wouldn't be hurting this much now. ... I don't see the point in reading my scriptures. ... Pain, suffering does cause us to grow. ... I don't want to grow. ... He doesn't want me to be happy. ... When I pray, I already know what he's going to say and I don't want to do it. ... I'm doing my calling even though I don't want it and I don't want to do it. ...I can find happiness in the gospel when I'm dead. ... I've already tried the best I can, I'm done. ... The more trying I do, the more socializing I have to do, the more pain I receive. ... I don't want to. ... I don't care if I'm happy or not. ...I always end up back here, unhappy."
It breaks my heart when I hear this, and right now my roommate is having a conversation with her friend over Skype and he has said all of these things. It makes me want to weep. People who say this don't understand the true beauty of the gospel and the Atonement laid out in perfect and incredible simplicity. These words come from someone who is suffering from hurt and the desire to escape the pain that came from whatever trial had happened.
The truth is, they do care about being happy; if they didn't care if they were happy they wouldn't pull away and guard their hearts so ferociously. But, the tragic truth they are missing is, the more they pull away and cover their hearts, the worse they will feel. Yes, heartbreak is incredibly painful and that pain is real. Pain is real. People will hurt us and it can be very destructive. But, all these people can see is the pain that comes from interacting with others, perhaps that is all they have known. But, if they would just take a small leap of faith, they could see the reward that comes from serving others.
No matter where else they turn or whatever else they do to fill the hole in their heart, it will never completely heal unless they turn to the Lord and to serving their fellow man. And I think everyone knows this, deep down we all know that we cannot be truly happy unless we turn to the truth. We yearn to be with other people, to be accepted and loved, to be told that we are worth it, our souls resonate with the truths in the gospel. Something deep inside us tell us the truth that we don't always like to face. And nothing else we try will fill the void in our souls.
Take advantage of the gospel and the Atonement! I promise, I promise! You say you've already tried that, but if you truly had you would know that what you had thought before was the cry of a desperate pained soul. If you truly tried to access the Atonement you would have felt the incredible and overpowering pure love of Christ and Heavenly Father. Charity and service are the answer. Amazingly and seemingly contradictory, the more charity you give to others, the more you are filled. And with charity comes happiness. Remember that nothing is instant and if it is, it cannot make you happy. Life happens and pain exists. Push through it, don't ever give up. If you don't believe me try reading the Book of Mormon everyday, praying twice a day, going to church, and take advantage of the opportunities for service that come your way for 60 days. If you miss one, don't beat yourself up, just pick it up. And when you pray, pray as though you expect someone to hear and respond, because, if you do, someone will listen and He will respond. He always listens and He always responds, maybe not on your timing, but He always responds. Try it.
It breaks my heart when I hear this, and right now my roommate is having a conversation with her friend over Skype and he has said all of these things. It makes me want to weep. People who say this don't understand the true beauty of the gospel and the Atonement laid out in perfect and incredible simplicity. These words come from someone who is suffering from hurt and the desire to escape the pain that came from whatever trial had happened.
The truth is, they do care about being happy; if they didn't care if they were happy they wouldn't pull away and guard their hearts so ferociously. But, the tragic truth they are missing is, the more they pull away and cover their hearts, the worse they will feel. Yes, heartbreak is incredibly painful and that pain is real. Pain is real. People will hurt us and it can be very destructive. But, all these people can see is the pain that comes from interacting with others, perhaps that is all they have known. But, if they would just take a small leap of faith, they could see the reward that comes from serving others.
No matter where else they turn or whatever else they do to fill the hole in their heart, it will never completely heal unless they turn to the Lord and to serving their fellow man. And I think everyone knows this, deep down we all know that we cannot be truly happy unless we turn to the truth. We yearn to be with other people, to be accepted and loved, to be told that we are worth it, our souls resonate with the truths in the gospel. Something deep inside us tell us the truth that we don't always like to face. And nothing else we try will fill the void in our souls.
Take advantage of the gospel and the Atonement! I promise, I promise! You say you've already tried that, but if you truly had you would know that what you had thought before was the cry of a desperate pained soul. If you truly tried to access the Atonement you would have felt the incredible and overpowering pure love of Christ and Heavenly Father. Charity and service are the answer. Amazingly and seemingly contradictory, the more charity you give to others, the more you are filled. And with charity comes happiness. Remember that nothing is instant and if it is, it cannot make you happy. Life happens and pain exists. Push through it, don't ever give up. If you don't believe me try reading the Book of Mormon everyday, praying twice a day, going to church, and take advantage of the opportunities for service that come your way for 60 days. If you miss one, don't beat yourself up, just pick it up. And when you pray, pray as though you expect someone to hear and respond, because, if you do, someone will listen and He will respond. He always listens and He always responds, maybe not on your timing, but He always responds. Try it.
Sep 14, 2012
Messy
Dating is messy any way you slice it. It's like an ooey gooey piece of cake with caramel and chocolate sauce drizzled on top and you have to eat it with your hands. Depending on the slice, it might have a little too much baking power... Causing it to errupt in your mouth in a semi-unpleasant way. Or it might have too much salt... And be a little too off flavor. Sometimes it has to much flour and the other tastes don't show through because the cake is just too bland. Or it's too rich and you can't eat it all at once. Or maybe it's too crumbly and it's slipped through your fingers before you've even had a proper taste.The goal in scarfing down these decadent pieces of cake is not greed, but a hungering for the perfect piece where all the lumps were made smooth and the perfect amount of every ingredient has been mixed together.
I found a slice that seems to have been made by the world's most meticulous baker and I think I might have dropped it on the ground. In my defense, the previous piece seemed like perfection until I got to the middle and then it was like a mix of all the wrong, bitter, surprising flavors and I had to stop eating. So it is understandable that my hands are shaky and uncertain. I just hope that I can scoop it up and make it work, if not, well, then I've learned to be more confident in the slices I chose. I am learning to spot the choices slices and I'm getting better and better at it.
Ah cake. :)
I found a slice that seems to have been made by the world's most meticulous baker and I think I might have dropped it on the ground. In my defense, the previous piece seemed like perfection until I got to the middle and then it was like a mix of all the wrong, bitter, surprising flavors and I had to stop eating. So it is understandable that my hands are shaky and uncertain. I just hope that I can scoop it up and make it work, if not, well, then I've learned to be more confident in the slices I chose. I am learning to spot the choices slices and I'm getting better and better at it.
Ah cake. :)
Aug 28, 2012
Don't Be an Idiot
What need I say more?
We were asked to write an essay on this prompt, "You have just learned that you have no more than 30 minutes to live. Everyone you have ever know - family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, even strangers with whom you only had brief contact - are gathered to hear you final thoughts. In 500 words what would you say to them?"
Only 500 words???? I have so much more to say!
As I was writing it I realized that I wouldn't leave it to my death bed. I have already told everyone, except random strangers, everything I would like to say. I would just say it again because, for some reason, being on a deathbed is sacred and the words one speaks hold more weight.
First and foremost I would have to say, "Don't be an idiot... Seriously." Especially to those who have found the secret to true happiness and for some reason or another don't give it the attention and dedication it deserves. Seriously? Why? What possible terrible excuse can you have for wasting your own happiness? Honestly?! Can you look yourself in the mirror and say, without shame, guilt, sarcasm, or longing, "I am perfectly content and at peace with the way I live now. Even if I could, I would change nothing." If you can't say that with utter confidence, FIX IT!!!! You know what to do, you just don't want to do it. YES... YOU DO.
Why? Why do we put off contentment, true happiness and peace???? WHY? Because Satan know what he's doing and he's convinced you you don't deserve. Well guess what? That is the biggest load of bullcrap that every person has swallowed at some point in his life. You do deserve to be happy. So get over yourself and shape up. When you fall down, don't beat yourself up. Get back on that horse and ride it! No, you can't do it alone no matter what you tell yourself. Yes, you have to make the choice, but you can't do it alone. That's why we have the atonement. Use it. Seriously. Don't be an idiot. Forgive yourself and love yourself or you will never, ever, ever find peace. Do it. Don't be an idiot.
We were asked to write an essay on this prompt, "You have just learned that you have no more than 30 minutes to live. Everyone you have ever know - family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, even strangers with whom you only had brief contact - are gathered to hear you final thoughts. In 500 words what would you say to them?"
Only 500 words???? I have so much more to say!
As I was writing it I realized that I wouldn't leave it to my death bed. I have already told everyone, except random strangers, everything I would like to say. I would just say it again because, for some reason, being on a deathbed is sacred and the words one speaks hold more weight.
First and foremost I would have to say, "Don't be an idiot... Seriously." Especially to those who have found the secret to true happiness and for some reason or another don't give it the attention and dedication it deserves. Seriously? Why? What possible terrible excuse can you have for wasting your own happiness? Honestly?! Can you look yourself in the mirror and say, without shame, guilt, sarcasm, or longing, "I am perfectly content and at peace with the way I live now. Even if I could, I would change nothing." If you can't say that with utter confidence, FIX IT!!!! You know what to do, you just don't want to do it. YES... YOU DO.
Why? Why do we put off contentment, true happiness and peace???? WHY? Because Satan know what he's doing and he's convinced you you don't deserve. Well guess what? That is the biggest load of bullcrap that every person has swallowed at some point in his life. You do deserve to be happy. So get over yourself and shape up. When you fall down, don't beat yourself up. Get back on that horse and ride it! No, you can't do it alone no matter what you tell yourself. Yes, you have to make the choice, but you can't do it alone. That's why we have the atonement. Use it. Seriously. Don't be an idiot. Forgive yourself and love yourself or you will never, ever, ever find peace. Do it. Don't be an idiot.
Jun 23, 2012
What Makes Life Hard For You?
One of my friends invited me to participate in a reading of essays. The essays were to be written by ourselves and on this topic.
["What makes life hard for you?"
The essay does not have to be eloquent or well-written or polished. The requirement is that it must be honest and real. It must address what really makes life hard for you, even if it is embarrassing or shameful or stupid or seemingly trivial. Maybe acne affects your self-esteem or you have a strained relationship with your mom, or you feel you don't have real friends, or you struggle with homo-sexuality, or you're going through a rough break up, or you deal with depression, or you're always struggling to have enough money, or you lack motivation. Maybe you stress because or your lack of dating experience and seriously doubt if you will ever get married. Maybe you're overly shy. Maybe you have health problems. Maybe you're too concerned what others think about you. Maybe you have a crush on someone that won't reciprocate. Maybe you feel no one ever understands you. Or maybe life is great and the only thing you can truly think of is how annoying your one roommate is. That's just fine.
It doesn't matter what it is as long as it makes life hard for YOU. It doesn't matter if it's boring as long as it's honest. The length of the essay is up to you.
Everybody has something that makes their life harder. Even if you have an easy life, there are things that make it relatively harder.]
I wrote my essay and I thought I would share it here.
{What makes life hard for me? I do. It wasn't until recently that I realized I am truly my own worst enemy. Ever since I was a child I haven't exactly been the popular one, though a lot of my friends were. In high school I could count on one hand the number of dates I went on and my first one wasn't until I was 18. Parents, teachers, adults, other girls, and my friends always told me how awesome I was and how beautiful I was and how any guy would be lucky to have me. I would think, "Great! Are you going to tell the boys that? Because I'm pretty sure they haven't had that news flash yet." It was frustrating to me, but even more frustrating and painful was the slow but steady disappearance of my best friends.
It started when my best friend told me to eat lunch with someone else because she was going to make friends with some other people and I would just get in the way. Then my other best friend who was like a sister to me moved away. Then others moved away and still others simply left me. It seemed like I was the girl everyone loved and no one liked. I was not anyone's best friend any more except the girl miles away. I didn't know it then but the seeds had been planted and I was steadily becoming more and more my own enemy.
Though my thoughts were never cruel or harsh I began to think that I was not worth loving and that everyone left because I just wasn't important to them and I never would be, there would always be someone better to take my place. Many times I sabotaged a relationship because I was so sure it would fail in the end anyway, so why go through the pain?
This continued until I met a boy. A beautiful, amazing, perfect, kind, loving boy who made me feel important and special. Who taught me to respect myself and who put me first. I was important, I was the most important thing in his life. And slowly, I began to believe it, I was the happiest girl in the world and I fell in love. Many times he was very patient and loving with me as I waited for the other shoe to drop and for him to leave me too, after all, everyone else had. He convinced me how foolish this thinking was because he loved me and would never leave me. This boy, who was already a dry Mormon and a better one than many I knew, was baptized and soon after asked for my hand in marriage. I couldn't believe it, it was too good to be true. We decided to work toward the temple as husband and wife and so we were civilly married back by his family. I couldn't remember a time when I was so happy. But things changed very quickly and I was no longer ecstatically happy, I had to work hard to be happy. The boy I loved had changed and began to treat me differently. He constantly sent little digs to tear away my self-esteem.
One night I confided in him my fear of those closest to me leaving or hurting me. Soon after the change was so drastic and it was so obvious that he didn't want anything to do with me that I confronted him. He told me it wasn't my fault, it was his and refused to try to let me help him or let us seek help from someone else. A week later we decided to divorce and I filed the paperwork. Two months later when I was suppose to submit the last bit of paperwork I went back and asked to try again. In less than an hour he told me I was not worth fighting for and that he'd already been there, done that. I left broken, hurt, angry, and once again proven right that I really was unlovable, that this was all my fault, and that I would never find anyone willing to love me. My best friend was now on her mission and my other best friend was leaving for her mission the next day, I would be left alone which was exactly what I deserved.
My mother and many other people tried to convince me that it wasn't entirely my fault, it takes two to make a relationship work, but one to let it fall apart. Sure, I had contributed in some way to its demise, but I had done all I could to make it work. It didn't matter what they said, I knew I was to blame and I knew I would never find someone else to truly love me.
Finally, I read a book that opened my eyes. I am lovable, I deserve happiness, I cannot let myself defeat me, it was not my fault. I hadn't loved myself, and I needed to repair that broken relationship that colored my memories and experiences. I deserve to be loved by me. I know this on a mental level and some day I will know it on an emotional level. But I will never stop trying. I will learn to truly love myself, I've already started and I will never stop trying my entire life. I will have days when I get down on myself and I wonder what I've done to push others away and make them stop loving me, but I won't let those days defeat me. Because the truth is, I am lovable, and I am worth more than even I can imagine. I deserve happiness not matter what anyone, including and especially myself, says. I am a Child of God and for the first time I truly understand what that is worth.
["What makes life hard for you?"
The essay does not have to be eloquent or well-written or polished. The requirement is that it must be honest and real. It must address what really makes life hard for you, even if it is embarrassing or shameful or stupid or seemingly trivial. Maybe acne affects your self-esteem or you have a strained relationship with your mom, or you feel you don't have real friends, or you struggle with homo-sexuality, or you're going through a rough break up, or you deal with depression, or you're always struggling to have enough money, or you lack motivation. Maybe you stress because or your lack of dating experience and seriously doubt if you will ever get married. Maybe you're overly shy. Maybe you have health problems. Maybe you're too concerned what others think about you. Maybe you have a crush on someone that won't reciprocate. Maybe you feel no one ever understands you. Or maybe life is great and the only thing you can truly think of is how annoying your one roommate is. That's just fine.
It doesn't matter what it is as long as it makes life hard for YOU. It doesn't matter if it's boring as long as it's honest. The length of the essay is up to you.
Everybody has something that makes their life harder. Even if you have an easy life, there are things that make it relatively harder.]
I wrote my essay and I thought I would share it here.
{What makes life hard for me? I do. It wasn't until recently that I realized I am truly my own worst enemy. Ever since I was a child I haven't exactly been the popular one, though a lot of my friends were. In high school I could count on one hand the number of dates I went on and my first one wasn't until I was 18. Parents, teachers, adults, other girls, and my friends always told me how awesome I was and how beautiful I was and how any guy would be lucky to have me. I would think, "Great! Are you going to tell the boys that? Because I'm pretty sure they haven't had that news flash yet." It was frustrating to me, but even more frustrating and painful was the slow but steady disappearance of my best friends.
It started when my best friend told me to eat lunch with someone else because she was going to make friends with some other people and I would just get in the way. Then my other best friend who was like a sister to me moved away. Then others moved away and still others simply left me. It seemed like I was the girl everyone loved and no one liked. I was not anyone's best friend any more except the girl miles away. I didn't know it then but the seeds had been planted and I was steadily becoming more and more my own enemy.
Though my thoughts were never cruel or harsh I began to think that I was not worth loving and that everyone left because I just wasn't important to them and I never would be, there would always be someone better to take my place. Many times I sabotaged a relationship because I was so sure it would fail in the end anyway, so why go through the pain?
This continued until I met a boy. A beautiful, amazing, perfect, kind, loving boy who made me feel important and special. Who taught me to respect myself and who put me first. I was important, I was the most important thing in his life. And slowly, I began to believe it, I was the happiest girl in the world and I fell in love. Many times he was very patient and loving with me as I waited for the other shoe to drop and for him to leave me too, after all, everyone else had. He convinced me how foolish this thinking was because he loved me and would never leave me. This boy, who was already a dry Mormon and a better one than many I knew, was baptized and soon after asked for my hand in marriage. I couldn't believe it, it was too good to be true. We decided to work toward the temple as husband and wife and so we were civilly married back by his family. I couldn't remember a time when I was so happy. But things changed very quickly and I was no longer ecstatically happy, I had to work hard to be happy. The boy I loved had changed and began to treat me differently. He constantly sent little digs to tear away my self-esteem.
One night I confided in him my fear of those closest to me leaving or hurting me. Soon after the change was so drastic and it was so obvious that he didn't want anything to do with me that I confronted him. He told me it wasn't my fault, it was his and refused to try to let me help him or let us seek help from someone else. A week later we decided to divorce and I filed the paperwork. Two months later when I was suppose to submit the last bit of paperwork I went back and asked to try again. In less than an hour he told me I was not worth fighting for and that he'd already been there, done that. I left broken, hurt, angry, and once again proven right that I really was unlovable, that this was all my fault, and that I would never find anyone willing to love me. My best friend was now on her mission and my other best friend was leaving for her mission the next day, I would be left alone which was exactly what I deserved.
My mother and many other people tried to convince me that it wasn't entirely my fault, it takes two to make a relationship work, but one to let it fall apart. Sure, I had contributed in some way to its demise, but I had done all I could to make it work. It didn't matter what they said, I knew I was to blame and I knew I would never find someone else to truly love me.
Finally, I read a book that opened my eyes. I am lovable, I deserve happiness, I cannot let myself defeat me, it was not my fault. I hadn't loved myself, and I needed to repair that broken relationship that colored my memories and experiences. I deserve to be loved by me. I know this on a mental level and some day I will know it on an emotional level. But I will never stop trying. I will learn to truly love myself, I've already started and I will never stop trying my entire life. I will have days when I get down on myself and I wonder what I've done to push others away and make them stop loving me, but I won't let those days defeat me. Because the truth is, I am lovable, and I am worth more than even I can imagine. I deserve happiness not matter what anyone, including and especially myself, says. I am a Child of God and for the first time I truly understand what that is worth.
May 1, 2012
Journals
I am horrible at keeping journals, the best I've done is the past five months in one journal. I was pretty consistent and now, I just don't really remember... Or I don't have much to write about. Same holds true with my blog here. Or, the things I want to write about are just too personal to post online but I'm so busy throughout the day that I forget to write them down before I pass out on my pillow. I try to keep myself busy because it keeps me from thinking. Luckily I've been pretty successful. I mostly just can't wait until I get back to BYU and out of Kingman. It will be so much better.
Jan 22, 2012
Promises
Broken promises hurt, both when I break them or others do. I don't like the feeling of having failed, or of being let down. But, I also know that I am human, and that others are human and I do not begrudge anyone their humanity. We all make mistakes and we all learn from them. Not everything is in our power. And that is the lesson that I have studiously been trying to not learn... and so God teaches me again and again.
But, here are a couple pictures of 2 promises that I know are true. And promises that will never be broken.
But, here are a couple pictures of 2 promises that I know are true. And promises that will never be broken.
One: God and Christ love me. I will find it in my heart to love and be loved again, I do not know if the face will be familiar or new, but I will love again. Eventually, after I have healed enough. So I wear this ring as a promise to and reminder for myself.
Two: All of the promises in this book. We can find healing and true happiness in the arms of our Lord and through the guidance of the Holy Ghost if we will listen and be obedient.
Three: The sun will always rise and bring a new day of promise. The sign before Christ's birth the day and the night were filled with light. Even when the American continent was covered in darkness the sun rose and set. After the dark night there always comes a dawn.
Jan 7, 2012
Healing
Everyone wants to be healed and whole and happy. It is the deepest human desire and one that is often challenged and pushed aside when aches and pains rear their heads. Sometimes we try to heal ourselves, and for the little hurts, it works, but sometimes it's like putting a band-aid on a broken heart. We can only do so much for ourselves before we are overwhelmed and turn to despair. We can try to bury it, but it will never truly leave us alone and affects us even when we are unaware. We cannot and should not go through this life alone. God put us in families and gave us the desire to be loved and needed for a reason. He also gave us the beautiful tool of prayer. When all else fails, He will not, He will not. It is we that distance ourselves from Him, He will never turn away from us, never tell us we don't matter, never deny us His outstretched arms, never betray us, never do anything that is not for our good, and never allow us to be given more than we can handle.
He gives us angels in our families and in our lives around us, people to hold us in their arms when we need it most. Counsel to help us through our darkest times. Eyes to see what was so crucial for us that we could not see. Ears to listen when we need to tell our deepest desires. Love to comfort us and let us know that we are not worthless or hopeless or wrong. No matter what we do we can be whole again, no matter what we experience or what others do to us, we can be whole.
But the Lord will never take away our agency. We have to want to be whole, we have to come to others, to open up our vulnerability and let others know that we are not perfect. Which is almost silly because no one, save Christ alone, is perfect. "Everybody's got stuff." Trusting others is hard and frightening, but the peace and healing that comes from it is worth everything. The Atonement is real, all our pains can be swallowed up and we can be whole. Truly completely whole. All we have to do is let Him in, open our hearts and lean on others. That's why we are here, to lean on each other, everybody needs somebody.
There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God’s will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness…We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as a way in which they should break, so be it.What I know about love and believe about love and giving ones heart began in this. - C. S. Lewis
He gives us angels in our families and in our lives around us, people to hold us in their arms when we need it most. Counsel to help us through our darkest times. Eyes to see what was so crucial for us that we could not see. Ears to listen when we need to tell our deepest desires. Love to comfort us and let us know that we are not worthless or hopeless or wrong. No matter what we do we can be whole again, no matter what we experience or what others do to us, we can be whole.
But the Lord will never take away our agency. We have to want to be whole, we have to come to others, to open up our vulnerability and let others know that we are not perfect. Which is almost silly because no one, save Christ alone, is perfect. "Everybody's got stuff." Trusting others is hard and frightening, but the peace and healing that comes from it is worth everything. The Atonement is real, all our pains can be swallowed up and we can be whole. Truly completely whole. All we have to do is let Him in, open our hearts and lean on others. That's why we are here, to lean on each other, everybody needs somebody.
There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God’s will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness…We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as a way in which they should break, so be it.What I know about love and believe about love and giving ones heart began in this. - C. S. Lewis
Dec 4, 2011
Heaven and Hell
I'm convinced that God (please note) allows us to go through Hell so that we can truly appreciate the sweetness of Heaven that comes afterward. Heavenly Father is a god of order and rules that He too must follow or He would cease to be God. He cannot create evil, if He did then He would cease to be completely good as He is. He simply allows to be tossed about by evil, but He never abandons us. He allows us to be tempted and given trials and to take a sip from the gall of bitterness so that we understand how sweet the cup of mercy tastes. Nothing has ever tasted more sweet and brought me more peace than knowing that He is right next to me. In my trial I brought myself to Him and I could feel Him there, I could feel His love for me. And that is something I will never forget. I have been through Hell, and I have been held in my Father's arms in Heaven and Hell was worth it.
Nov 20, 2011
People keep asking me how marriage life is treating me, it drives me nutz! Especially because most of the people asking me are/have been married. I want to say, "You know! You've been there! Why are you asking me?" Marriage is frustrating, hard, stressful, annoying, angering and the best choice I ever made in my life. I couldn't be happier even though every often I want to scream or cry. I have never loved another person as much as I love my husband and every time I do scream or cry it only intensifies my love for him. It's actually interesting how that works, the more you go through for the ones you love, the more you love them.
But love is more than the feelings you get when he walks in the room, or he holds your hand or kisses you ever so gently, or passionately. It's a choice and a feeling that feed off each other, the more you choose to love, the more the feeling grows, and the more the feeling grows the more you choose to love. And if you ever stop choosing to love, the feeling grows less until you remember that love is hard work. It is support when you really would rather do your own thing. It is knowing that he and you both have flaws that just might drive one another absolutely crazy, but that you are loved in spite of the those. It is being there when he is going through a hard time, just being there and letting him know the love you have has not, and will not ever, lessen. It is knowing that he will be there for you when you are in the darkest hour of need. It is knowing that you might have to sacrifice the movie you really want to see or the party you might right want to go to just so he knows that you would rather spend your days by his side.
And most importantly it is being open. Without open communication and trust marriage cannot work. He needs to know when you are upset, and when you are happy, how much it means to you, and why. You cannot hold onto those things that bother you and think they will go away, they don't. You also cannot blame him for everything, you are causing at least 50% of the problem (if not more!). He is trying too and you are doing things that bother him too. Trust him, open your heart to him, tell him your fears, joys, hopes, dreams, and wishes. Just sit and talk, or sit in silence and enjoy one another's company. Making him happy is (and should be if it's not) your number one focus, nothing matters more than your marriage. Nothing. Don't forget, he wants to make you happy too.
It's hard work at first, and may be (most likely will be) for the rest of your life. But it is so rewarding. I regret nothing and would do it all over if I had the choice.
But love is more than the feelings you get when he walks in the room, or he holds your hand or kisses you ever so gently, or passionately. It's a choice and a feeling that feed off each other, the more you choose to love, the more the feeling grows, and the more the feeling grows the more you choose to love. And if you ever stop choosing to love, the feeling grows less until you remember that love is hard work. It is support when you really would rather do your own thing. It is knowing that he and you both have flaws that just might drive one another absolutely crazy, but that you are loved in spite of the those. It is being there when he is going through a hard time, just being there and letting him know the love you have has not, and will not ever, lessen. It is knowing that he will be there for you when you are in the darkest hour of need. It is knowing that you might have to sacrifice the movie you really want to see or the party you might right want to go to just so he knows that you would rather spend your days by his side.
And most importantly it is being open. Without open communication and trust marriage cannot work. He needs to know when you are upset, and when you are happy, how much it means to you, and why. You cannot hold onto those things that bother you and think they will go away, they don't. You also cannot blame him for everything, you are causing at least 50% of the problem (if not more!). He is trying too and you are doing things that bother him too. Trust him, open your heart to him, tell him your fears, joys, hopes, dreams, and wishes. Just sit and talk, or sit in silence and enjoy one another's company. Making him happy is (and should be if it's not) your number one focus, nothing matters more than your marriage. Nothing. Don't forget, he wants to make you happy too.
It's hard work at first, and may be (most likely will be) for the rest of your life. But it is so rewarding. I regret nothing and would do it all over if I had the choice.
Nov 2, 2011
The Wind and her Cries
Listening to the wind literally howl right outside my door this morning made me think about how people used to tell stories to explain nature, well, here's my simple attempt.
"Grandpa! Grandpa! Where are you?" he raced through the old large house desperate to find the wisest man in the whole world.
"I'm here Son. What's wrong?" As the old man stepped out of his bedroom the little boy felt relief sigh through him. All was right with the world when he was in those strong old arms. No one was better at making him feel protected than Grandpa and his parents. The child clung to him for a few minutes before explaining to him about the monster in his bedroom. It kept shrieking words that the boy couldn't understand and frightening him. The wise man followed back through the large house until they reached the room the little child was sleeping in. The wind whipped the trees into a frenzy outside and it's icy fingers searched for a crack in the window.
"That sound you hear is the wind searching for her long lost lover." His grandchild could feel a story forming behind that first sentence so he let Grandpa tuck him back into the large bed next to his favorite stuffed tiger. "Many years ago, back when God had first formed the world, there was a young girl more beautiful than any alive today (except your grandmother, no one is more beautiful than she). Wind was happy and danced every where, seeming lighter than the air we breathe. Then she met a handsome young man whose bright blue eyes melted her heart and made her happier than she'd ever been before, he was gentle and loving always striving to make her happy. The two fell in love from their very first meeting and from then on nothing could separate the two. They were both very happy for years and would have been so forever had young Sun not also been in love with the girl. He was very strong and had a magical power over her. She was drawn to him, but why she knew not. He could be gentle and sweet, but was more often harsh and unforgiving. She knew she loved the first young man more, but when she was around Sun, his power weakened her and eventually when she was in his presence she forgot her first love. Sun did all he could to keep Wind beside him because he knew when he left, she would run away with her true love. One night while Sun was sleeping, her true love came and stole Wind away, trying to escape before Sun awoke. They almost made it away, but a servant woke him and warned him of the lovers flight. In his wrath Sun tracked them down and dueled the young man. Sun was strong, but the young man had a just cause and he gained the upper hand. About to deal the blow that would free the two lovers, he was turned aside by Wind. She plead for Sun's life and explained how much she loved him. Again under Sun's power Wind forgot her love and her heartlessness broke the young man's heart. With no reason to stay, the young man left. Wind never saw him again and she searches for him still. In the summer she dances and plays for the Sun, sweet and gentle, doing all he bids her. When clouds cover the Sun and in the winter Wind remembers her true love and races through the world trying to find the one who made her truly happy, wishing to tell him how wrong she was and how much she truly love him and none other.
"Don't be afraid of her cries, she doesn't wish to harm anyone, she is only crying for the one she loves. She tell him that she still loves him and hopes he will come back to her."
Grandpa's voice faded in the darkness and he and the little boy sat in silence for a moment.
"I hope she finds him. Do you think she will?"
"I don't know Son. I believe in happy endings, I believe she will find her lover someday, but I don't know."
"She'll find him. Good always wins. Goodnight Grandpa, thanks for the story."
"Goodnight my boy. You are welcome. Sleep tight."
"And Grandpa,"
"Yes?"
"I'll never forget that I love you, no matter what."
"And I'll never forget how much I love you too. No matter what."
"Grandpa! Grandpa! Where are you?" he raced through the old large house desperate to find the wisest man in the whole world.
"I'm here Son. What's wrong?" As the old man stepped out of his bedroom the little boy felt relief sigh through him. All was right with the world when he was in those strong old arms. No one was better at making him feel protected than Grandpa and his parents. The child clung to him for a few minutes before explaining to him about the monster in his bedroom. It kept shrieking words that the boy couldn't understand and frightening him. The wise man followed back through the large house until they reached the room the little child was sleeping in. The wind whipped the trees into a frenzy outside and it's icy fingers searched for a crack in the window.
"That sound you hear is the wind searching for her long lost lover." His grandchild could feel a story forming behind that first sentence so he let Grandpa tuck him back into the large bed next to his favorite stuffed tiger. "Many years ago, back when God had first formed the world, there was a young girl more beautiful than any alive today (except your grandmother, no one is more beautiful than she). Wind was happy and danced every where, seeming lighter than the air we breathe. Then she met a handsome young man whose bright blue eyes melted her heart and made her happier than she'd ever been before, he was gentle and loving always striving to make her happy. The two fell in love from their very first meeting and from then on nothing could separate the two. They were both very happy for years and would have been so forever had young Sun not also been in love with the girl. He was very strong and had a magical power over her. She was drawn to him, but why she knew not. He could be gentle and sweet, but was more often harsh and unforgiving. She knew she loved the first young man more, but when she was around Sun, his power weakened her and eventually when she was in his presence she forgot her first love. Sun did all he could to keep Wind beside him because he knew when he left, she would run away with her true love. One night while Sun was sleeping, her true love came and stole Wind away, trying to escape before Sun awoke. They almost made it away, but a servant woke him and warned him of the lovers flight. In his wrath Sun tracked them down and dueled the young man. Sun was strong, but the young man had a just cause and he gained the upper hand. About to deal the blow that would free the two lovers, he was turned aside by Wind. She plead for Sun's life and explained how much she loved him. Again under Sun's power Wind forgot her love and her heartlessness broke the young man's heart. With no reason to stay, the young man left. Wind never saw him again and she searches for him still. In the summer she dances and plays for the Sun, sweet and gentle, doing all he bids her. When clouds cover the Sun and in the winter Wind remembers her true love and races through the world trying to find the one who made her truly happy, wishing to tell him how wrong she was and how much she truly love him and none other.
"Don't be afraid of her cries, she doesn't wish to harm anyone, she is only crying for the one she loves. She tell him that she still loves him and hopes he will come back to her."
Grandpa's voice faded in the darkness and he and the little boy sat in silence for a moment.
"I hope she finds him. Do you think she will?"
"I don't know Son. I believe in happy endings, I believe she will find her lover someday, but I don't know."
"She'll find him. Good always wins. Goodnight Grandpa, thanks for the story."
"Goodnight my boy. You are welcome. Sleep tight."
"And Grandpa,"
"Yes?"
"I'll never forget that I love you, no matter what."
"And I'll never forget how much I love you too. No matter what."
Jul 27, 2011
It Doesn't Matter, Hurry Home
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-1_2LEVAZQ
I think this song is one that Heavenly Father sings to all of his children.
"It doesn't matter what you've done, I still love you. It doesn't matter where you've been, you can still come home. Honey, if it's you, we've got a lot of making up to do. I can't hug you on the phone, so hurry home."
He will never give up on us. We always have the chance to hurry home to Him.
Jan 22, 2011
Personally... I'm impatient
So people are posting one of these a day for 30 days. But, I'm impatient... So I'll just give it to you all at once!
Day 1 - 5 Things about me no one knows: 1. I used to be a very insecure person with a very bold personality.
2. When I was a child I used to get a thrill from stealing candy from my family and not getting caught.
3. I am actually afraid of a good deal of things. I just never let anyone see.
4. I still wish vampires were real.
5. I face away from the shower head so I can see the door and make sure no one walks in on me.
Day 2 - A picture of you last year and now and how you have changed since then
Halloween last year 
After Christmas shoppingHmmm, still have a flare for the theatrical.... Perhaps a little less dramatic though. My hair is no longer black. I have matured and expanded my view. Spending 9 months at home serving other people does that to you.
Day 3 - A favorite photo:
Day 3 - A favorite photo:
look at us awesome creepersDay 5 - Top 10 pet peeves:
1. condescension (I will mentally mock you)
2. telling me what to think
3. telling others what to think
4. that snorting noise when someone clears their nose (not nose blowing though)
5. someone else eating my food without my permision
6. people who slack off at work
7. treating me like a child
8. video games
9. talking more than the teacher
10. freaking out about small stuff
Day 6 - Something I bought recently: fruit loops, salt water taffy; clementines; fruit snacksDay 7 - Something I want to buy:a brightly colored motorcycle
Day 8 - A favorite song: Any song my man sends me currently "Make You Feel My Love" by Adele
Day 9 - A favorite movie: Inception; Ever After
Day 10 - A favorite food: Beef Stroganoff
Day 11 - A favorite book: The Morning Gift by Eva Ibbotson
Day 12 - A favorite quote: Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive.
Day 13 - What did you do today??: Went to the temple, auditioned for a play, homework
Day 14 - Your dream house...: A small yet elegant home. Red brick with wood trimming, a basement, a turret, and a floor to ceiling library for me to store my books. And a quaint garden out back. But really, any place with my family and my love.
Day 15 - Next 3 on “Bucket List”: wing suit diving, hunting, live 1yr or 6mo in Austraila, Ireland or Scottland.
Day 16 - A photo of my family:
Day 18 - Put your iPod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up:
1.Make You Feel My Love - Adele
2. Nintey and Nine - Michael McLean
3. Don't forget my Unicorn - Irish Rovers
4. Stay Beautiful - Taylor Swift
5. Which Part is Mine - Michael McLean
6. The Saltwater Room - Owl City
7. Whataya Want From Me - Adam Lambert
8. Black & Gold - Sam Sparrow
9. Sunray Smile - Amber Van Vleet
10. Vincent - Josh Groban
Day 19 - A hobby of mine: trying new random thingsDay 20 - A favorite recipe: cheesy chicken and potato with mushrooms
Day 21 - Nicknames I have, and why I have them...:
Bad T - I was an amazing badminton player once upon a time
Tigger - I have a tiggerish personality
Babybot - My older brother was Tigerbot
Teags - It sounds cool
Tegan the Vegan - it helps people remember my name
Tegelstien - Ask Ali on that one
Teggles - Not sure
Penguin - :)
Love - :)
Day 22 - A favorite Youtube video: Kids History (Don't punch... ... our car)Day 23 - A travel story: On the way to Bullhead the ten people in my car agreed that it should become a party wagon with neon lights a disco ball and a bed and we could call it the shaggin wagon... I secretly vetoed that idea, except the neon lights and disco ball
Day 24 - Something that makes you feel better... : The words "I love you." spoken to me with absolute sincerity and feeling. Food, food is always a happy thing. The temple. My best friends, yes I have 2, so sue me.
Day 25 A funny (true) story: My life. :) I spent the first hour of the 2011 New Year in a car with broken doors that had to be held closed. I also broke the passenger side door handle, well, actually it didn't break, it s h a t t e r e d in my hands. And me, being me, laughed really hard because it was funny and I was nervous.
Day 26 - A child I love: I have to pick one? Kelly, Cody, Chase, and Rachel (all adorable children)
Day 27 - A place I love: BYU, the mountains
Day 28 - A person I love: brYan
Day 29 - Testimony: I know the gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true, Joseph Smith is a true prophet. The Book of Mormon is the word of God. Thomas S. Monson is the prophet of God on the earth today. My Heavenly Father loves me. Jesus Christ died for my sins.
Day 30 - Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days: Finish as much school as possible, maybe even graduate next April. Possibly buy a car. Hold my nephew in my arms. Meet my boyfriend's family. Finish at least one of the many stories I've started. Share the gospel as much as possible even though I am not going on a mission. Continue loving my favorite person and best friend.
Nov 29, 2010
One Person
It's amazing what meeting one person can do to change your life. And this summer and fall, I have met many people who have drastically altered the course of my life.
If you don't remember my feelings upon my arrival home in May please
visit --> here.
Needless to say my heart is no longer as snooty and hardened as it once was. In fact it is quite the opposite. Now looking at my inevitable departure from Kingman I find
my heart growing heavy.
There are truly beautiful souls that call Kingman Arizona home, or at least a place of residence. I have been privileged to mingle and befriend these souls and I find it hard to go. They have taught me so much, both knowingly and unwittingly. Mostly they taught me humility and love. I understand why Christ would give his life for them, I would too. Each and every one is precious to me.
While I am very grateful for the chance to return to school and continue to learn and forge ahead in life, I wish I didn't have to do so at the cost of seeing these faces I have come to love. Yes, I agree, technology is wonderful, but there is nothing so wonderful as face to face conversations. And soccer smack downs in the Rutherford gym. That's right suckas!
I will happily grow and continue forward, but know that my heart is held by the friends and best friends I have gained while living unexpectedly in Kingman.
Nov 27, 2010
Grenade
I have come to love the only two songs of Bruno Mars that I know.
Click here -->"Grenade"
And here -->"Just the Way You Are"
I don't know how but Bruno sees into my soul and speaks to my heart, but he does in a powerful way. Now all I'm waiting for is a song with the title
"I'm Sorry I Couldn't Love You Enough"
There is one thing I love more than any other thing on this earth. The Gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Should anyone try to come between me and that gospel, no matter how much I love them, that title to a song that does not exist yet will be what I tell them. I can't change people, only the spirit and themselves can do that. I can't force his eyes to see the perfect beauty and happiness and hope that spill from every ordinance, lesson, and talk to which I am witness. I can't feel for her the power of the love that sweeps over me when I communicate with my Savior and Father. I can't give him the surety I feel when I look toward the future in faith, knowing without a doubt, that I will be taken care of when I trust in my Lord. I can't explain to her the moment I discovered the truth of this gospel.
But I can share my testimony and encourage him to discover the truth for himself. I can never give up in encouragement and love, even if they think I can't love them enough. I do love them, I want to share with them the profound joy that I feel. I just can't let them come between me and the gospel.
Please help me remember this. Because there may be times when I forget.
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