Jun 27, 2012

Job Search/Hunt/Survival-of-the-Fittest/Fight-to-the-Death!

So, I had a job interview this morning! I think it went well. :) But, competition here in Utah is a little bit more intense than the small town of Kingman. Mostly because it is a college town and the people here are very competitive. So fingers crossed that I made it!
I applied for a company called Orange Soda Internet Marketing. They make your website among the first options to pop up after a search. Here is their logo. Check 'em out sometime.
 And here is what this company makes me think of, and even what they decorate with!
Their tag line is "marketing with fizz"

Jun 23, 2012

What Makes Life Hard For You?

One of my friends invited me to participate in a reading of essays. The essays were to be written by ourselves and on this topic.

["What makes life hard for you?"

The essay does not have to be eloquent or well-written or polished. The requirement is that it must be honest and real. It must address what really makes life hard for you, even if it is embarrassing or shameful or stupid or seemingly trivial. Maybe acne affects your self-esteem or you have a strained relationship with your mom, or you feel you don't have real friends, or you struggle with homo-sexuality, or you're going through a rough break up, or you deal with depression, or you're always struggling to have enough money, or you lack motivation. Maybe you stress because or your lack of dating experience and seriously doubt if you will ever get married. Maybe you're overly shy. Maybe you have health problems. Maybe you're too concerned what others think about you. Maybe you have a crush on someone that won't reciprocate. Maybe you feel no one ever understands you. Or maybe life is great and the only thing you can truly think of is how annoying your one roommate is. That's just fine.

It doesn't matter what it is as long as it makes life hard for YOU. It doesn't matter if it's boring as long as it's honest. The length of the essay is up to you.

Everybody has something that makes their life harder. Even if you have an easy life, there are things that make it relatively harder.]

I wrote my essay and I thought I would share it here.

{What makes life hard for me? I do. It wasn't until recently that I realized I am truly my own worst enemy. Ever since I was a child I haven't exactly been the popular one, though a lot of my friends were. In high school I could count on one hand the number of dates I went on and my first one wasn't until I was 18. Parents, teachers, adults, other girls, and my friends always told me how awesome I was and how beautiful I was and how any guy would be lucky to have me. I would think, "Great! Are you going to tell the boys that? Because I'm pretty sure they haven't had that news flash yet." It was frustrating to me, but even more frustrating and painful was the slow but steady disappearance of my best friends.
It started when my best friend told me to eat lunch with someone else because she was going to make friends with some other people and I would just get in the way. Then my other best friend who was like a sister to me moved away. Then others moved away and still others simply left me. It seemed like I was the girl everyone loved and no one liked. I was not anyone's best friend any more except the girl miles away. I didn't know it then but the seeds had been planted and I was steadily becoming more and more my own enemy.
Though my thoughts were never cruel or harsh I began to think that I was not worth loving and that everyone left because I just wasn't important to them and I never would be, there would always be someone better to take my place. Many times I sabotaged a relationship because I was so sure it would fail in the end anyway, so why go through the pain?
This continued until I met a boy. A beautiful, amazing, perfect, kind, loving boy who made me feel important and special. Who taught me to respect myself and who put me first. I was important, I was the most important thing in his life. And slowly, I began to believe it, I was the happiest girl in the world and I fell in love. Many times he was very patient and loving with me as I waited for the other shoe to drop and for him to leave me too, after all, everyone else had. He convinced me how foolish this thinking was because he loved me and would never leave me. This boy, who was already a dry Mormon and a better one than many I knew, was baptized and soon after asked for my hand in marriage. I couldn't believe it, it was too good to be true. We decided to work toward the temple as husband and wife and so we were civilly married back by his family. I couldn't remember a time when I was so happy. But things changed very quickly and I was no longer ecstatically happy, I had to work hard to be happy. The boy I loved had changed and began to treat me differently. He constantly sent little digs to tear away my self-esteem.
One night I confided in him my fear of those closest to me leaving or hurting me. Soon after the change was so drastic and it was so obvious that he didn't want anything to do with me that I confronted him. He told me it wasn't my fault, it was his and refused to try to let me help him or let us seek help from someone else. A week later we decided to divorce and I filed the paperwork. Two months later when I was suppose to submit the last bit of paperwork I went back and asked to try again. In less than an hour he told me I was not worth fighting for and that he'd already been there, done that. I left broken, hurt, angry, and once again proven right that I really was unlovable, that this was all my fault, and that I would never find anyone willing to love me. My best friend was now on her mission and my other best friend was leaving for her mission the next day, I would be left alone which was exactly what I deserved.
My mother and many other people tried to convince me that it wasn't entirely my fault, it takes two to make a relationship work, but one to let it fall apart. Sure, I had contributed in some way to its demise, but I had done all I could to make it work. It didn't matter what they said, I knew I was to blame and I knew I would never find someone else to truly love me.
Finally, I read a book that opened my eyes. I am lovable, I deserve happiness, I cannot let myself defeat me, it was not my fault.  I hadn't loved myself, and I needed to repair that broken relationship that colored my memories and experiences. I deserve to be loved by me. I know this on a mental level and some day I will know it on an emotional level. But I will never stop trying. I will learn to truly love myself, I've already started and I will never stop trying my entire life. I will have days when I get down on myself and I wonder what I've done to push others away and make them stop loving me, but I won't let those days defeat me. Because the truth is, I am lovable, and I am worth more than even I can imagine. I deserve happiness not matter what anyone, including and especially myself, says. I am a Child of God and for the first time I truly understand what that is worth.

Jun 20, 2012

Cutest Boy Ever

I got to spend an entire day with my favorite nephew! And even though he is my only nephew is the most adorable incredible child ever! He's 13 mo and the happiest child I have ever met, he only cried when he fell down a couple times. And no, I was not being negligent, he was just being a little boy. I'm amazed at the number of times they can fall down and be totally fine. I suppose babies are so resilient because they have to be.
We went to the park and he was so cute playing on the playground equipment. He absolutely loves cars and he is really good at rolling his "r"s and imitating an actual engine. He has bright blonde hair and an incredible smile. He looks are great deal like both his mother and his father. He has the cutest little snub nose.
I have some pictures for your perusal. Enjoy, I know I enjoyed seeing him.
He's holding one of the little whiffle ball scoop catchers. He scrunches his eyes up and waves his arm really fast to throw the ball. It's fun.

He loves driving trucks

He loves this little fire engine, he drives it around and says, "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."

He loved this little turning knobs at the park.

He's an excellent climber.

There was a pirate ship with little windows, he stood there and talked and talked to the outside of the window.

Jun 14, 2012

A Call to Arms.

I'm sure you have noticed that my blog more and more often is religious and has aspects of religion. Throughout the last six months, I have realized that everything has to do with the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Every moment of every day I see more and more the Hand of the Lord stretched out in my life and the lives of others. I see the blessings He lays right before our eyes in the hopes that we will see it too and turn to Him.
The truth is, we can no longer be complacent. This is a war! We have been saved for these last days because we are strong and we can make a difference is the war for souls. We no longer can sit still and allow others to perform the task of saving our brothers and sisters who are lost! We must decide now to fight, we must decided now what side we will choose. We have to extend our hands and bring back our sisters and our brothers. Too many have fallen away, and lost sight of the truth. Will we be selfish and not reach out our hands to bring peace and healing to our brothers and sisters! We are the elect! The Lord's chosen! We cannot sit around, we must not be still, we must cry out and bring the beautiful good news to all corners of the world! We must open our eyes to the suffering and sorrows that lay all around us, most importantly in the ones we love. We must support and carry each other, in our stakes, in our wards, in our families. We must reach out to friends and strangers, to loved ones and even to ourselves. The gospel is true. It is worth fighting for, so are you, and so are the souls of our brothers and sisters. We must be, or become the safe harbors for those who lost their way. Get back on the path! Hold firm to the rod! Let go of the dangerous traps and lures of Satan! This is a call to arms! And if you do not hear the call, who will?

Jun 11, 2012

T-minus 7 Days

It's safe to say I have many mixed emotions. As in my previous post, I am very sad to be leaving Kingman. Ever since January all I've wanted is to just leave and be rid of the burden I carried, and now, I will greatly miss this beautiful town with it's incredible people.
My mother told me, "I will be glad to see you go, but I will miss you a lot."
As with any adventure there is trepidation and excitement. I worry about going back and starting a fresh, and yet I welcome the challenge and the opportunities there. So many others have moved on, but so many friends are still there, ready to help me out if I need comforting. I am different than I was four, or even two years ago. I know my course, I know trials and adversity, I know the beautiful and merciful power of the Atonement, I know the kind side of man, I know the ache of longing, I know the pain of cruel words, I know who I am, I know the love of God for my fellow man, I have been caught up by the flame of truth, I know the destiny I wish to leave written on the stars, I know the path I want to take, I know the greatness I could achieve, I know God lives, I know He loves me, I know the loss of a close friend, I know the devastation of watching someone leave the truth, I know the broken hearted, I know the truly humble, and I know myself.
Yes, I am very different than I was, and thank God for that.