I sit here on my couch awaiting easily my favorite event every six months. GENERAL CONFERENCE!!!!!
I love the spirit I feel and the comfort I receive in sitting and listening to the prophets give us the word of the Lord. We are so blessed and so lucky to have a living prophet on the earth who teaches us the word of God and keeps us living a good and moral life. We are so blessed, the Lord loves his children. Why would He leave us to fend for ourselves? Why would miracles cease on the earth today? They won't, the Lord is very active in our lives and he always will be because He loves us. All of us.
Thank goodness for General Conference to remind me just how much the Lord loves his children on the Earth today.
When I tell people that I have self-confidence issues I usually get some sort of reaction like this:
Just cuz I fake it really well. Ok, fine, it's not that I fake it really well, it's that I have no self confidence when it comes to people. And by that I mean, I know my worth insofar as the Lord is concerned and so, for the most part, I don't really care what people think of me. That is, until I start caring about them. Then I care what they think about me and then I start worrying and picking apart everything I do and I realize I do a lot of dumb things that people might not like and what if they don't like me when they get to know me and how long do I wait until I'm sure that the other shoe won't drop because I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop even though I know that is irrational and I'm being a little silly and what if I don't tell him that I appreciate him enough because I do but I have this thing where I like to tease people because I don't want them knowing just how much I like them but what if they think I don't appreciate them or see them but what if I'm too honest.... It goes on and on and on. I hate it.
Sigh, one of these days I'll stop being so insecure. But now I have a boyfriend, so it's full tilt. ONWARD INSECURITIES! DROWN HER! RUIN IT ALL!
Yesterday I didn't feel like sitting around so I thought I would challenge myself a little. For those who don't know, every time I exercise in a way that involves my lungs, they go crazy. They hate being worked, there's a name for the laziness of my lungs, it's called exercise induced asthma. It's super fun!
This is also the main reason I don't run. Running is also the devil, so there's that too.
How others run:
How I run:
Haha, just kidding, it's more like this:
Now that I've summed that up,I hate it. I hate going hiking with others and having to say, "I'm... (wheeze, hack) ... fine... (pant, pant)... let's...(wheeze)...keep...hoo boy...going...(wheeze, pant, pant)." But, I love hiking. So today I decided I was going to hike Y mountain if it killed me. I took ample supplies: 3 granola bars, one bottle of water, one powerade, hand sanitizer (hey, you never know when you need that stuff), a lighter, tissues, my inhaler, and sunscreen (it let me down and I got burned anyway. Rude sunscreen, rude).
I set off and was immediately passed up by a posse of teenagers. Undaunted, I set my own pace and continued climbing.
If you haven't had the horrid and perverse pleasure of hiking the Y, the angle of the climb is pretty much 45 degrees at all times. It's great. My lungs and heart thought so too and got so excited that I had to stop far more times than I care to count to calm them down.
An hour after I started the 1.2 mi trip up I finally reached the bottom of the Y. The posse of teenagers sat at the top and got in the way of my picture taking. But I did manage to get some pictures! I felt like a boss.
I had to work really hard to contain my excitement...
But I made it up, so I was proud of that.
The beautiful view and a member of the posse
On the way out I realized the gate said, BYU. Neat, huh?
That's right! Conquered that mountain like a boss. An hour up, and 15 minutes back down. Without any help from my inhaler!
So, there's a boy... It's always a boy...
This particular boy is adorable, and funny, and always makes me laugh. Last week he invited me to do a movie night with him. I'm not even going to pretend like I wasn't freaking out, because I was. This little girl doesn't even begin to cover how excited I was.
During the week I would tell people I was watching a movie with a boy on Friday and they would inevitably ask, "Is it a date?" To which I would respond,
"How do you not know?"
"Well, there might be other people there, I just don't know! It doesn't matter! He INVITED me to a movie night!!!!!" And then I would gush about it for a while longer.
Friday night arrives and I am beyond excited. I go over to his apartment and it turns out there are other people, but do I mind? You got it, nope! Before the movie even starts the group is standing around in his kitchen and he keeps making eye contact with me and sharing little jokes and I'm just deliriously happy.
But, I also want to get this started and so does he, so he grabs the movie and goes into the living room and I follow him with the popcorn. There are two couches, a love seat and a three cushion couch. He plops down right smack in the middle of the 3 cushion couch and solves my problem of figuring out where to sit.
We looked a little like this couple and halfway through the movie I realize that I'm analyzing his every move trying to find some hidden message and I have to tell myself to STOP! I shifted positions and every time I did it took me closer to the edge of my cushion, but I never crossed over the line. The whole movie, whenever he shifted positions he stayed right smack dab in the middle of the cushion. I cursed the fact that everyone either wanted to be on the floor or the other couch. Why can't we all just pack in like sardines? It would be perfect!
The movie ends and he heads back into the back rooms of the apartment. Needless to say I was a lottle disappointed. Luckily the entire group except my best friend and me leave the apartment. I take my time gathering my things. Suddenly, my best friend points out his phone just sitting there on the couch. She and I have always been pranksters so we gather up his phone and start devising a plan of attack when we hear his voice in the kitchen. We immediately go to the door way trying our best to look like this:
but end up looking more like this:
He was immediately suspicious and I couldn't handle the pressure so I just held out his phone as I blurted, "We didn't have time." My friend cracks up laughing. The three of us chat for a couple more minute before she makes her way out and saying, "Come say goodbye before you leave." (She lives in the same complex he does).
Just how am I supposed to get him to walk me to my car a block away if I have to come visit you!?
The boy and I talked for a good half hour before he had yawned enough (twice, for the record), and I felt better for the awkward movie experience because we had been nonstop laughing for those thirty minutes, that I slowly said my goodbyes.
I ran over to my friends apartment and could only talk to her for a couple minutes before telling her of my foiled plans. She immediately grabbed my arm and dragged me back to his apartment before knocking on the door and walking away. It was torture standing there at his door for those 30 seconds. Then, his roommate answered and said, "Yes?" Really? I am NOT saying, "Oh, I just want your roommate to walk me to my car..." Instead, I replied, "Nothing,
" and ran screaming back to my friend's apartment. Yes, I did straight up scream in his face before I ran. Along the way I said out loud, "I hate you! I hate you!" My friend stood in her doorway waiting for me with the food I'd brought over earlier. She handed it to me and said, "Love you."
"No you don't!" I harrumphed, and I walked back past the boy's door. His roommate was still standing in the doorway and as I passed said, "What's up?"
"Nothing" I mumble. All the while making awkward squeaks and grunts from embarrassment.
"It'll be easier if you just start."
"Umm, squeak, grunt... Where's your roommate?"
"What?"
"Where's your roommate?" I hissed.
"Do you want me to get him?"
(:17will reveal exactly how I sounded)
I pulled a Fat Amy and he said, "Let me go get him."
I thought I was going to pass out. It took 2 whole minutes before the boy came to the door. Two whole minutes!!! The entirety of which I ran through possible explanations of why I had come back in my head and debated just leaving and never coming back... Ever.
Finally the boy appeared and the doorway with a quizzical brow and I blurted,
"I'll give you hummus if you walk me to my car so I don't get dismembered by Ted Bundy." Holding out my hummus to him like it's a gift to forgo my execution.
With no hesitation he said, "Deal, let me get my shoes." Woah, really? Just like that? Ok... Ok... I can do this.
When he got back I pointed out his spider friend just making a web on the railing just outside the door before we headed off to my car. The entire time both of us were just going off each other back and forth and he had the cutest grin on his face and I'm sure I looked like this:
We finally got to my car and I gave over the promised hummus. We talked for a little while longer and said a slightly awkward goodbye. I didn't know if I should hug him or not so I just said, "Bye, thank you for walking me to my car. Don't die."
"I'll say hello to Ted Bundy for you."
"Haha" and turned around and opened my car. Then I got in and had some serious words with myself, mostly about how ridiculous and awkward that was. But really, could it have been any more awkward? Or perfect?
I wish I knew. My roommate has been having a rough go of life. I want to take away her pain and her loneliness. But, I know my other rommie is right, she is now in a place where only she can help herself. And she will probably struggle for the rest of her life.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, life is a balancing act. Too much of anything is bad, moderation is good. Often, we human beings go from one extreme to the other and we can't seem to find the safe middle of the seesaw. We got on at one end and thunk to the ground. So, we get up and run to the other end only to be bucked off.
Some few of us immediately figure out that we need to stand in the middle to be safe from hurt. Most of us will go back to the other extreme, not as far though. And so we go from one end to the other, each time a little less farther out. Finally, we find the middle and, hopefully, stay there. Some of us just keep going from one extreme to the other trying to figure it out.
The Savior understands the seesaw differently. He invites other to come sit with him and enjoy the seesaw. He will often come sit with us and helps us figure out how to obtain balance with the skills we are given. He encourages us to invite others to join us. And we in turn help them find the balance in their own lives.
So many times I forget that happiness comes from helping others and focusing on their happiness. It's really funny, we can't be happy until we focus on helping others to be happy. The more we focus on ourselves, the more miserable and unhappy we become. Playing on a seesaw is less fun when you try on your own. You can't reach the full heights as you can when someone else plays with you.
I wish I could help her see this, but she is too buried in her pain and resigned to feeling nothing to avoid pain. I cannot bring her out. I just hope she will bring herself out soon and take joy in the beautiful things around her.
Ok. So I made a hugeannouncement to my roommate today and that announcement is.... drum roll please,... I'm ready to date again. But, seriously, I really am this time.
What kept me from being ready before was my lack of self-esteem when it comes to others. When it comes to Heavenly Father I know how valuable and loved I am. I know He sees my potential and He is helping me reach it when I let him. I know I'm incredible and wanted and He would do anything to help me be truly happy. But, when it comes to other people I wonder what they see in me. I wonder if they truly see the potential I have or the person I am. Often I doubt that they do. Or, even if I do believe they see me for who I am and who I will be, I don't believe they will continue to see it.
Well, that was how I used to be. Now, I am glad to be me and I am looking for someone who sees me for who I am and who I will become. I will no longer doubt that a good man will continue to see me in this way and that he will help me reach my potential. I am beginning to trust that there are those out there who love me and will always love me. I have had friends who have stuck with me through my trials, who have seen me at my absolute lowest point and who have stood by me because they know who I truly am and the good I am capable of. I believe in myself and I believe that I am innately good and desirable to a man who is also innately good. No longer will I listen to the voices both inside and out saying I am not good enough, or I am not worth it. To those I say, "I don't need you because you are wrong." I will eliminate them, or at the very least I will not tolerate them in my life.
No longer will I confuse humility with self-abasement. Having humility is not believe you are worthless, it is knowing you are full of worth. Humility is not like pride, the proud have pride because they are afraid that without whatever it is they have their pride in, they are nothing. Having humility is knowing, that even with everything stripped away, you still have so muchpotential and so muchworth stored inside your soul. I had to have everything emotionally stripped away from me to understand this. Thankfully, I learned it.
Now, how to start about this dating business? All I want it to get to know enough people that I can decided what works and what does not work for me. Perhaps this seems like a selfish way to look at it, but, if it doesn't work for me why would I hurt someone by pretending it does? It would just hurt them more later on down the road when I can no longer hold the farce together. So, do I go on as many dates with as many people as I can so I can better understand what compliments my personality? Or do I just try dating one person at a time until it doesn't work out, or does? I personally believe the first option is more fair for everyone involved, but in Provo that comes with a stigma. If I choose to try it that way then labels like flirt, slut, tramp, easy and others come with that territory. Jess tells me that I act interested and then I don't and then I act interested in other guys. The problem is, I am interested in other guys. I see aspects in everyone that I find incredibly attractive as a prospective husband. I want to get to know a guy before I decide to go steady, or to not continue dating. But how do I have confidence in that? I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to do what's best for me and for everyone else. What to do? What ... to ... do?!
O my friends. Those whose names and faces I know and those who I have yet to meet. Do everything you can to be worthy of and go to the temple. It is an incredible and beautiful place that fills you with peace and awe and love. I have never had a happier day than the day I went through the temple. That has my wedding day included. I have never been filled with so much love, joy, wonder, and peace. If you are not striving to live worthy of your covenants, fix it. You are never too far gone or lost that you cannot be redeemed and brought back into the loving arms of your Heavenly Father. The Gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true. Let it into your heart and let it change you into a better person. If you are thinking that you don't need to be changed, you are missing the entire purpose of your life on this earth. There will never be a time in your life where you cannot be changed to become better. Take advantage of that and enjoy it!
I am going through the temple. January 19th. This Saturday. I can't even express the incredible joy I feel for this upcoming event. It's like all of my life has come to this pinnacle. I just feel filled with joy and boundless happiness. I get so excited that I randomly shout, "10 Days!!!!!!" or "3 Days!!!!!" at random strangers then giggle delightedly to myself. I can hardly believe I'm going, it's like I'm in a dream. I can't concentrate on anything, and my very first grades are suffering a little. Oops. I know I will be fine after this weekend, but I just can't concentrate right now.
I am going to the temple. I have been waiting for this since I was a little girl, it has been more important to me than pretty much everything. I'm glad I am going just to go through and not to prepare for a mission or before getting married. It means I have time to reveal in the simple beauty and wonder of the temple itself. I am coming home. Home. It's where I belong.
