I suppose we all have some obsessive compulsive leanings. There are certain things about our lives that we want to control. I didn't think I was that bad. And perhaps I am not, comparatively.
But I do want to control parts of my life. I don't like leaving it to chance.
But I'm not am I?
Perhaps throughout my blog, should you care to have followed it, you've seen hints and musings about my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Yes, I am a member of that church, affectionately referred to as Mormons. And being part of the church has changed me fundamentally.
The core purpose of the teachings of the church is to bring its members closer to their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And quite honestly that is the most important relationship any man can develop. If you are not working to gain a stronger closer relationship with your Savior, none of your other relationships will matter. I'm not saying that relationships don't matter, because they do. But they can't be what they could be with out that fundamental relationship, nor will they ultimately matter.
There is so much literature that encourages and teaches of the relationship one can develop with one's Savior. And it is my relationship with my Savior that has fundamentally changed me, undoubtedly and unarguably for the better.
Side track that will make sense when I tie it back in - the closer you, (ok, I) become in a relationship, the harder it is to trust that person fully and completely. Harder and easier simultaneously.
I don't know what it is about this life, but paradoxes are the only things that make sense. How's that for a paradox? You are welcome.
So, yes, easier because the person you relate to has shown you that he can be trusted. Harder because the deeper you delve into a relationship, the more tender parts of your person you share and trust the other with.
I trust my Savior, he has never, ever let me down. Not when I have worked and opened, truly opened, myself to his gentle guidance. But, here we go, but, I want to control my life. I want to know what is coming so I can prepare for it and batten the hatches if necessary. Doesn't everyone? Wouldn't life be so much easier if we knew everything that would happen. Would it? Easier maybe, but easier is never quite as bright and rewarding, don'tcha think?
I don't want an easy life, easy is boring but, not only is it boring, it also holds less meaning. If everything were handed to you, what would you gain? You'd have everything, but what would that mean anyway?
So, I'd know what is coming, but what cause would I have to hope? I wouldn't have the gift of surprise. Have you met someone who is never surprised? Not quite the most fun person in the world, am I right? Besides, you'd think I'd learn my lesson(s) from thinking I knew what the future held. I felt trapped and terrified, I looked for a way out of the future I was certain was coming. It was a burden I didn't need.
This post is longer than I thought it would be. Welcome to my thoughts, good luck finding your way out. Mwahaha.
So, why don't I relinquish my burden to the Savior and trust Him to guide my life as is necessary? He has before shown me that He will turn over the reins of my life if I ask for them. It didn't make me happier, it was actually a drudgery. So, why is it so painful every time I hand the reins back to Him?
I communed with my Savior yesterday as I sat in the temple. He reminded me that I was trying to control my life and my plans are not his. Much to my chagrin, and to a small part, my shame. So I bowed my head and handed the reins back over. It was terrifying. It still is. But, my illusion of control, though comforting, was just that, an illusion. I no more know what the future holds than I can flap my arms and fly. I have an idea and many hopes, but no certain knowledge. Not only was my illusion an illusion, but it was also very limiting. Because of that illusion I could not see other possibilities. No, none have sprung up yet, but I am not limited and blinded to them now, should they wish to appear.
Here's another paradox for you, Faith is juxtapose Fear, yes? Yes. Where faith exists fear cannot, and vice versa. Well, I find that I am still nervous when I think of the future and it's uncertainty. Nervous is fear in a very small portion right? Ok. Here's the kicker, Even though I'm nervous and that nervousness is in part because I am trusting my Savior, I have full faith in Him. That bit of fear I have is because of my faith. And I'd take that bit of fear over an illusion of control any day. Every time.
Perhaps it's not fear at all, maybe it's pain and humility reminding me that I have to rely on someone other than myself. But it is so freeing. And terrifying. Did I mention that it's still scary. But I have faith. And faith in someone I know will never lead me astray.
Whooo, ok. Now, I accept it wholly.
I'll check back with you on that.
