Saving the World

One thing not to put on your application for grad school or a job when you have a bachelors in psychology, "I want to help people." Even if it is true. How does that make you different from the other 20 billion people with psychology degrees?
But, the truth is, all I want to do, all I've ever wanted to do is help people. My personal goal every day is to leave the people I've come across a little happier, their world a little brighter, and their burdens a little lighter. I want to make people feel special, because they are. I want to be their friend, because they deserve a good friend. (Not saying I am a good friend, but I try). Not just a friend who tells you what you want to hear all the time, but a friend who will tell you you are being an utter fool when you NEED to hear it, who will let you take consequences for your mistakes because that is what is best for you. I want people to know how to find happiness because, as prideful as this may sound, there really is one way.
Think about it. When have you felt most happy? Truly happy? Not high, or drunk or lustful. When was the last time you felt truly happy, the kind of happiness that lasts? When did you feel best about yourself? Was it when you were with your family trying to do something for someone other than yourself? When you helped someone reach that goal they had been working so hard for, just because? When you did something nice, not because you got something out of it, but just because you could?
That is happiness. Lift up your head! Raise your voice! Help a weary soul find a little peace and rest. Get into the spirit of Christmas. Help the Savior save the world.

Reason, Season, Lifetime

Sorry I've been away for so long. I don't really have an excuse.
My Doctrine and Covenant class has us write what is called Scenario Papers where we use at least three scriptures from the D&C to answer personal questions from classmates. Today I chose to answer this one.

By January, two of my current roommates will have moved out (reasons: marriage and study abroad). They are some of my best friends and I'm really sad that I won't be living with them any more. How can I prepare myself for this huge change?

            Change is difficult for so many things. It almost always is good, especially when you trust in the Lord and look to him in every thought (Proverbs 3:6). I roomed with complete strangers this summer and by the end of our short two months together I had become closer friends with them than anyone else I’d ever roomed with. It broke my heart to see them go, I hate it when people I’m close to leave. The roommate I’d grown closest to had written down a poem she knew called, “Reason, Season and Lifetime.” It is an incredible poem and it opened my eyes. People who come into our lives for a Reason teach us a lesson and then are gone, not because we did anything wrong, but because that is how it was meant to be. “And how it was possible for him to preach to those spirits and perform the necessary labor among them in so short a time” (D&C 138:28). There are necessary labors for all of us to perform for others, and sometimes that is all that is required.

            Other people come into our lives for a Season, we learn more than one lesson from them and develop a great relationship. But, again, they leave without any wrong doing on our part. Sometimes it is to help us get through a hard time, or to teach us something that takes longer than a Reason. Always they make significant impact on our lives. It may seem trivial to ask the Lord for help when others leave our lives but according to the prophecy of Isaiah, “the Redeemer was anointed to bind up the broken-hearted” (D&C 138:42). Before this year I had never realized just how much the Atonement of Christ covers. It is infinite, I had always thought that meant it went forwards and backwards through time. Now my understanding has been expanded and I realized it covers everything infinitely, every hurt, every sorrow, every moment of loneliness, every tear, every disappointment, every sin, every mistake, every ill spoken word, every loss, everything. Even the heartache of losing those close to us for a short time, or for a very long time.

            Some people come into our lives for a Lifetime. Perhaps your roommates will be there for you for a lifetime. Just because people leave doesn't mean that we can’t reach out to them and stay in touch. I know it’s not the same, but life has many people who come to reach and teach us. There will be more who will help and build you up. That doesn't mean we forget the first, but we can and must allow others to come in. “But behold, from among the righteous, he organized his forces and appointed messengers, clothed with power and authority, and commissioned them to go forth and carry the light of the gospel to them that were in darkness, even to all the spirits of men” (D&C 138:30). Whether people come into my life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime, I do all I can to touch their lives and leave them with a little more light than I found them. It makes it easier to let them go, and I know I will see them again.

Writing this broke my heart a bit.

Here's the poem.

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.  They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.  They may seem like a godsend, and they are.  They are there for the reason you need them to be.  Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.  Sometimes they die.  Sometimes they walk away.  Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.  What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled;  their work is done.  The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on. When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.  They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.  They may teach you something you have never done.  They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.  Believe it!  It is real!  But, only for a season. LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.  Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);  and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.  It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

What's the Point?

"Being married won't make me happy. ... I once was happy but now I'm even more miserable. ... I tried, it didn't work. ... I don't want this. ... Socializing brings more pain. ... If I'd never asked her on that first date I wouldn't be hurting this much now. ... I don't see the point in reading my scriptures. ... Pain, suffering does cause us to grow. ... I don't want to grow. ... He doesn't want me to be happy. ... When I pray, I already know what he's going to say and I don't want to do it. ... I'm doing my calling even though I don't want it and I don't want to do it. ...I can find happiness in the gospel when I'm dead. ... I've already tried the best I can, I'm done. ... The more trying I do, the more socializing I have to do, the more pain I receive. ... I don't want to. ... I don't care if I'm happy or not. ...I always end up back here, unhappy."

     It breaks my heart when I hear this, and right now my roommate is having a conversation with her friend over Skype and he has said all of these things. It makes me want to weep. People who say this don't understand the true beauty of the gospel and the Atonement laid out in perfect and incredible simplicity. These words come from someone who is suffering from hurt and the desire to escape the pain that came from whatever trial had happened.
The truth is, they do care about being happy; if they didn't care if they were happy they wouldn't pull away and guard their hearts so ferociously. But, the tragic truth they are missing is, the more they pull away and cover their hearts, the worse they will feel. Yes, heartbreak is incredibly painful and that pain is real. Pain is real. People will hurt us and it can be very destructive. But, all these people can see is the pain that comes from interacting with others, perhaps that is all they have known. But, if they would just take a small leap of faith, they could see the reward that comes from serving others.
No matter where else they turn or whatever else they do to fill the hole in their heart, it will never completely heal unless they turn to the Lord and to serving their fellow man. And I think everyone knows this, deep down we all know that we cannot be truly happy unless we turn to the truth. We yearn to be with other people, to be accepted and loved, to be told that we are worth it, our souls resonate with the truths in the gospel. Something deep inside us tell us the truth that we don't always like to face. And nothing else we try will fill the void in our souls.
Take advantage of the gospel and the Atonement! I promise, I promise! You say you've already tried that, but if you truly had you would know that what you had thought before was the cry of a desperate pained soul. If you truly tried to access the Atonement you would have felt the incredible and overpowering pure love of Christ and Heavenly Father. Charity and service are the answer. Amazingly and seemingly contradictory, the more charity you give to others, the more you are filled. And with charity comes happiness. Remember that nothing is instant and if it is, it cannot make you happy. Life happens and pain exists. Push through it, don't ever give up. If you don't believe me try reading the Book of Mormon everyday, praying twice a day, going to church, and take advantage of the opportunities for service that come your way for 60 days. If you miss one, don't beat yourself up, just pick it up. And when you pray, pray as though you expect someone to hear and respond, because, if you do, someone will listen and He will respond. He always listens and He always responds, maybe not on your timing, but He always responds. Try it.

Messy

Dating is messy any way you slice it. It's like an ooey gooey piece of cake with caramel and chocolate sauce drizzled on top and you have to eat it with your hands. Depending on the slice, it might have a little too much baking power... Causing it to errupt in your mouth in a semi-unpleasant way. Or it might have too much salt... And be a little too off flavor. Sometimes it has to much flour and the other tastes don't show through because the cake is just too bland. Or it's too rich and you can't eat it all at once. Or maybe it's too crumbly and it's slipped through your fingers before you've even had a proper taste.The goal in scarfing down these decadent pieces of cake is not greed, but a hungering for the perfect piece where all the lumps were made smooth and the perfect amount of every ingredient has been mixed together.
I found a slice that seems to have been made by the world's most meticulous baker and I think I might have dropped it on the ground. In my defense, the previous piece seemed like perfection until I got to the middle and then it was like a mix of all the wrong, bitter, surprising flavors and I had to stop eating. So it is understandable that my hands are shaky and uncertain. I just hope that I can scoop it up and make it work, if not, well, then I've learned to be more confident in the slices I chose. I am learning to spot the choices slices and I'm getting better and better at it.
Ah cake. :)

Addictions, more than the physical.

Can you really be addicted to a song? I submit that you absolutely can. I love songs! But there is one song in particular that has caught my fancy and held me enthralled for most of the day.



Ok, so the video is really weird, but the music? Incredible, the melody? Enthralling, his voice? So hypnotic... Sigh, I am addicted to a song! I am ADDICTED TO A SONG!
Now all I need to do is get help for it....
But where do I even start????
P.S. I found this on Facebook, a friend shared it. I blame him for my obession. Yep, I am totally passing the buck. :)

Don't Be an Idiot

What need I say more?
We were asked to write an essay on  this prompt, "You have just learned that you have no more than 30 minutes to live. Everyone you have ever know - family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, even strangers with whom you only had brief contact - are gathered to hear you final thoughts. In 500 words what would you say to them?"
Only 500 words???? I have so much more to say!
As I was writing it I realized that I wouldn't leave it to my death bed. I have already told everyone, except random strangers, everything I would like to say. I would just say it again because, for some reason, being on a deathbed is sacred and the words one speaks hold more weight.
First and foremost I would have to say, "Don't be an idiot... Seriously." Especially to those who have found the secret to true happiness and for some reason or another don't give it the attention and dedication it deserves. Seriously? Why? What possible terrible excuse can you have for wasting your own happiness? Honestly?! Can you look yourself in the mirror and say, without shame, guilt, sarcasm, or longing, "I am perfectly content and at peace with the way I live now. Even if I could, I would change nothing." If you can't say that with utter confidence, FIX IT!!!! You know what to do, you just don't want to do it. YES... YOU DO.
Why? Why do we put off contentment, true happiness and peace???? WHY? Because Satan know what he's doing and he's convinced you you don't deserve. Well guess what? That is the biggest load of bullcrap that every person has swallowed at some point in his life. You do deserve to be happy. So get over yourself and shape up. When you fall down, don't beat yourself up. Get back on that horse and ride it! No, you can't do it alone no matter what you tell yourself. Yes, you have to make the choice, but you can't do it alone. That's why we have the atonement. Use it. Seriously. Don't be an idiot. Forgive yourself and love yourself or you will never, ever, ever find peace. Do it. Don't be an idiot.

Frog Dating - A delicacy

I love my job. Today I had the best conversation about dating I have ever had.
Me: "Jared, can we be friends forever?"
Jared (the funniest kid I've ever met sitting two chairs away to my left who has made me guffaw at least 12 times in the past 2 days): "Sure!"
Dahlin (sitting one chair to my right who is also hilarious): "Hmmm? Yeah?" While gesturing with his eyes toward Jared.
Me: "No..."
Dahlin: "I don't think you are getting my point."
Me: "No, I got it, that was my answer... No..."
Dahlin: "Could you be more specific? I'm not very good at guessing."
Me: "I was answering your question."
Dahlin: "Which question?"
Me: "The one you were asking."
Dahlin: Something about happiness sitting two chairs away.
Me: "We already discussed this, I'm not interesting in trying that right now."
Dahlin: "I have eaten frog in my life..."
Me: "What does that have to do with anything?"
Dahlin: "It didn't look like anything that I would want to try eating, but when I did try it, it was the best thing in the world."
Me: "I've tried frog before and it has made me very sick."
Dahlin & Me: "Stomach ache? Food Poisoning!"
Jared: "YOU GOT FOOD POISONING FROM TRYING FROG????"
Me (trying very hard to get the words past my bouts of laughter): "Yep, and it was a very unpleasant experience."
Jared: "WHY WOULD YOU EAT FROG! You should never try frog again."
Me (gesturing toward Jared but talking to Dahlin): "SEE! You see what I'm saying?!"
Jared: "We have to get you away from your addictions where you will never eat frog again. Maybe in the desert, Oh wait, there's toads... The Amazon! Where the frogs are poisonous so if you eat one you die! So you can either give in to your addiction and die or your addiction will over come you and take you down!"
Me: "Right!"
Dahlin: "You could at least try frog again."
Me: "The last frog I tried was a bad experience, it..."
Dahlin: "Hopped away?"
Me: "With half of me along with it. But I do nibble."
Dahlin: "I think you'd better explain 'nibbling.'"
Me: "No physical contact just dating for fun."
Dahlin: "No hugs or high fives???"
Me: "Yes, high fives... and hugs at the end."
Dahlin: "I once took a girl on a date and she didn't give me a hug or a high five, she just walked right into her door."
Oh work, I actually look forward to you every day. :)

Poleeeese (Stop here if you are squeamish)

Logan and I were bored last night, so we decided we would get a group together and play a game of glow in the dark ultimate frisbee. It all went rather well until Kevin caught the winning Frisbee and his leg caught the business end of a goal post support. It the dark it looked like a deep cut. But when Logan's old roommate and I got him to the hospital we could see it was much worse than that. The pole took out a rather large portion of his shin... as you can see...

It was absolutely revolting but Kevin didn't seem to be in too much pain and he actually seemed to be enjoying himself. A volunteer named Liam (who is from South Africa) stopped in to see and show off his own scar. He had a skin graft that encompassed the right side of his left leg from ankle to knee. It was really weird for me to see. I got the lucky job of accompanying Kevin back behind the huge whooshing doors to wait for stitches. 

Here they have cleaned out his wound and you can see just how bad it really is. That is a layer of skin, then fat, then muscle, and at the lowest tip down his leg is where you can see a little bit of his bone. Liam and Kevin had a marvelous time joking about all kinds of disgusting things and I'm sure Kevin was the riot of the ER. I think it was the first time I've ever laughed so much watching someone get worked on in a hospital.

His doctor was a miracle worker and 12 surface 4-6 dissolvable stitches later you would have never know Kevin was missing two inches of his epidermis. 

Success!!!!

I have a job! Not with Orange Soda as previously hoped for, but with Vivint. A security alarm business. I am a scheduling representative which means I schedule the installs in homes. I am looking forward with a hint of nerves to this job. The environment was very nice when I went in to interview. The staff was friendly and they ensured me it was a great company to work with. My roommate works in sales and she actually referred me to the company.
I start on Monday and I think it is going to be wonderful, at least I hope so. Wish me luck!

Job Search/Hunt/Survival-of-the-Fittest/Fight-to-the-Death!

So, I had a job interview this morning! I think it went well. :) But, competition here in Utah is a little bit more intense than the small town of Kingman. Mostly because it is a college town and the people here are very competitive. So fingers crossed that I made it!
I applied for a company called Orange Soda Internet Marketing. They make your website among the first options to pop up after a search. Here is their logo. Check 'em out sometime.

 And here is what this company makes me think of, and even what they decorate with!

Their tag line is "marketing with fizz"

What Makes Life Hard For You?

One of my friends invited me to participate in a reading of essays. The essays were to be written by ourselves and on this topic.

["What makes life hard for you?"

The essay does not have to be eloquent or well-written or polished. The requirement is that it must be honest and real. It must address what really makes life hard for you, even if it is embarrassing or shameful or stupid or seemingly trivial. Maybe acne affects your self-esteem or you have a strained relationship with your mom, or you feel you don't have real friends, or you struggle with homo-sexuality, or you're going through a rough break up, or you deal with depression, or you're always struggling to have enough money, or you lack motivation. Maybe you stress because or your lack of dating experience and seriously doubt if you will ever get married. Maybe you're overly shy. Maybe you have health problems. Maybe you're too concerned what others think about you. Maybe you have a crush on someone that won't reciprocate. Maybe you feel no one ever understands you. Or maybe life is great and the only thing you can truly think of is how annoying your one roommate is. That's just fine.

It doesn't matter what it is as long as it makes life hard for YOU. It doesn't matter if it's boring as long as it's honest. The length of the essay is up to you.

Everybody has something that makes their life harder. Even if you have an easy life, there are things that make it relatively harder.]

I wrote my essay and I thought I would share it here.

{What makes life hard for me? I do. It wasn't until recently that I realized I am truly my own worst enemy. Ever since I was a child I haven't exactly been the popular one, though a lot of my friends were. In high school I could count on one hand the number of dates I went on and my first one wasn't until I was 18. Parents, teachers, adults, other girls, and my friends always told me how awesome I was and how beautiful I was and how any guy would be lucky to have me. I would think, "Great! Are you going to tell the boys that? Because I'm pretty sure they haven't had that news flash yet." It was frustrating to me, but even more frustrating and painful was the slow but steady disappearance of my best friends.
It started when my best friend told me to eat lunch with someone else because she was going to make friends with some other people and I would just get in the way. Then my other best friend who was like a sister to me moved away. Then others moved away and still others simply left me. It seemed like I was the girl everyone loved and no one liked. I was not anyone's best friend any more except the girl miles away. I didn't know it then but the seeds had been planted and I was steadily becoming more and more my own enemy.
Though my thoughts were never cruel or harsh I began to think that I was not worth loving and that everyone left because I just wasn't important to them and I never would be, there would always be someone better to take my place. Many times I sabotaged a relationship because I was so sure it would fail in the end anyway, so why go through the pain?
This continued until I met a boy. A beautiful, amazing, perfect, kind, loving boy who made me feel important and special. Who taught me to respect myself and who put me first. I was important, I was the most important thing in his life. And slowly, I began to believe it, I was the happiest girl in the world and I fell in love. Many times he was very patient and loving with me as I waited for the other shoe to drop and for him to leave me too, after all, everyone else had. He convinced me how foolish this thinking was because he loved me and would never leave me. This boy, who was already a dry Mormon and a better one than many I knew, was baptized and soon after asked for my hand in marriage. I couldn't believe it, it was too good to be true. We decided to work toward the temple as husband and wife and so we were civilly married back by his family. I couldn't remember a time when I was so happy. But things changed very quickly and I was no longer ecstatically happy, I had to work hard to be happy. The boy I loved had changed and began to treat me differently. He constantly sent little digs to tear away my self-esteem.
One night I confided in him my fear of those closest to me leaving or hurting me. Soon after the change was so drastic and it was so obvious that he didn't want anything to do with me that I confronted him. He told me it wasn't my fault, it was his and refused to try to let me help him or let us seek help from someone else. A week later we decided to divorce and I filed the paperwork. Two months later when I was suppose to submit the last bit of paperwork I went back and asked to try again. In less than an hour he told me I was not worth fighting for and that he'd already been there, done that. I left broken, hurt, angry, and once again proven right that I really was unlovable, that this was all my fault, and that I would never find anyone willing to love me. My best friend was now on her mission and my other best friend was leaving for her mission the next day, I would be left alone which was exactly what I deserved.
My mother and many other people tried to convince me that it wasn't entirely my fault, it takes two to make a relationship work, but one to let it fall apart. Sure, I had contributed in some way to its demise, but I had done all I could to make it work. It didn't matter what they said, I knew I was to blame and I knew I would never find someone else to truly love me.
Finally, I read a book that opened my eyes. I am lovable, I deserve happiness, I cannot let myself defeat me, it was not my fault.  I hadn't loved myself, and I needed to repair that broken relationship that colored my memories and experiences. I deserve to be loved by me. I know this on a mental level and some day I will know it on an emotional level. But I will never stop trying. I will learn to truly love myself, I've already started and I will never stop trying my entire life. I will have days when I get down on myself and I wonder what I've done to push others away and make them stop loving me, but I won't let those days defeat me. Because the truth is, I am lovable, and I am worth more than even I can imagine. I deserve happiness not matter what anyone, including and especially myself, says. I am a Child of God and for the first time I truly understand what that is worth.

Cutest Boy Ever

I got to spend an entire day with my favorite nephew! And even though he is my only nephew is the most adorable incredible child ever! He's 13 mo and the happiest child I have ever met, he only cried when he fell down a couple times. And no, I was not being negligent, he was just being a little boy. I'm amazed at the number of times they can fall down and be totally fine. I suppose babies are so resilient because they have to be.
We went to the park and he was so cute playing on the playground equipment. He absolutely loves cars and he is really good at rolling his "r"s and imitating an actual engine. He has bright blonde hair and an incredible smile. He looks are great deal like both his mother and his father. He has the cutest little snub nose.
I have some pictures for your perusal. Enjoy, I know I enjoyed seeing him.

He's holding one of the little whiffle ball scoop catchers. He scrunches his eyes up and waves his arm really fast to throw the ball. It's fun.

He loves driving trucks

He loves this little fire engine, he drives it around and says, "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."

He loved this little turning knobs at the park.

He's an excellent climber.

There was a pirate ship with little windows, he stood there and talked and talked to the outside of the window.

A Call to Arms.

I'm sure you have noticed that my blog more and more often is religious and has aspects of religion. Throughout the last six months, I have realized that everything has to do with the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Every moment of every day I see more and more the Hand of the Lord stretched out in my life and the lives of others. I see the blessings He lays right before our eyes in the hopes that we will see it too and turn to Him.

The truth is, we can no longer be complacent. This is a war! We have been saved for these last days because we are strong and we can make a difference is the war for souls. We no longer can sit still and allow others to perform the task of saving our brothers and sisters who are lost! We must decide now to fight, we must decided now what side we will choose. We have to extend our hands and bring back our sisters and our brothers. Too many have fallen away, and lost sight of the truth. Will we be selfish and not reach out our hands to bring peace and healing to our brothers and sisters! We are the elect! The Lord's chosen! We cannot sit around, we must not be still, we must cry out and bring the beautiful good news to all corners of the world! We must open our eyes to the suffering and sorrows that lay all around us, most importantly in the ones we love. We must support and carry each other, in our stakes, in our wards, in our families. We must reach out to friends and strangers, to loved ones and even to ourselves. The gospel is true. It is worth fighting for, so are you, and so are the souls of our brothers and sisters. We must be, or become the safe harbors for those who lost their way. Get back on the path! Hold firm to the rod! Let go of the dangerous traps and lures of Satan! This is a call to arms! And if you do not hear the call, who will?

T-minus 7 Days

It's safe to say I have many mixed emotions. As in my previous post, I am very sad to be leaving Kingman. Ever since January all I've wanted is to just leave and be rid of the burden I carried, and now, I will greatly miss this beautiful town with it's incredible people.
My mother told me, "I will be glad to see you go, but I will miss you a lot."
As with any adventure there is trepidation and excitement. I worry about going back and starting a fresh, and yet I welcome the challenge and the opportunities there. So many others have moved on, but so many friends are still there, ready to help me out if I need comforting. I am different than I was four, or even two years ago. I know my course, I know trials and adversity, I know the beautiful and merciful power of the Atonement, I know the kind side of man, I know the ache of longing, I know the pain of cruel words, I know who I am, I know the love of God for my fellow man, I have been caught up by the flame of truth, I know the destiny I wish to leave written on the stars, I know the path I want to take, I know the greatness I could achieve, I know God lives, I know He loves me, I know the loss of a close friend, I know the devastation of watching someone leave the truth, I know the broken hearted, I know the truly humble, and I know myself.
Yes, I am very different than I was, and thank God for that.

Happy, Happy, Happy!

I am happy! It's been a while since I have been truly happy and I love the feeling!
I'd been feeling angry and bitter and picturing all kinds of ways to exact revenge.
Then, I realized how unhappy that was making me.
I don't need revenge, I just need to live my life and be happy just being me. If I ever get the chance I might unload a little bit of what I think but even what I'm thinking is beginning to change and become unimportant. I just don't have to care about it any more. It's the past, I can't change it and knowing more and wishing it was a certain way still won't change what happened. All I can do is be happy and forget about it!
Realizing that has set me free as a bird because, I DON'T CARE!!!!! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!
I am free to focus my time and thoughts on friend and family. I am free to enjoy the company around me. I am free to make the most of my life and be an idiot when I choose. And I LOVE it! I'm back to being me! And it is GREAT!!!!

The Hulk

We all know the Hulk has some serious issues. As Iron Man put it, he " lose[s] control and turn[s] into a big huge rage monster." Lately I've felt a little of the stress Dr. Bruce Banner must feel as he holds in his anger. I've never been truly angry for longer than day, ever. And now I find myself battling it almost every day. It's only natural since it's one of the cycles of grieving. It has been the hardest cycle for me because I have been working hard since I was little to control my anger and being angry for so long makes me a little sick. I don't like the feeling and I do all I can to avoid it. But avoiding it isn't healthy, I need to face my anger and let it run it's course. I cannot let it control me, but I must control it. I don't have to let it ruin my day but nor do I need to bury it where it springs up unexpectedly.
So, yes. I am angry, I am furious. I was humiliated and lied to and I have every right to be angry. I placed my entire being in the care of someone I thought I could trust and I was betrayed. But, I find it interesting that love and anger can coexist. I always assumed that if you were angry, you must not love the person you were angry with. I mean true anger, like wanting to physically harm angry. But you can, and I do, love the person you are angry with. Anger is a natural human emotion. It needs to run it's course without running over you. As long as you have Christ by your side and His love for that person in your heart then anger can be good. I choose to allow myself to be angry. I choose to keep it controlled because I do not wish to hurt the object of my anger. I choose to be healthy in my expression. And I choose to forgive. Time will heal my wounds and I will be whole again. I just need to be patient. I don't love you like I used to, but I do still love you, it's just completely differently now.

Stories

I'm really glad my mother and I are so alike because we are anything but normal and it's nice to have an abnormal partner in my abnormalities.
The abnormality I'd like to talk about today is ... stories. Not the regular, sit down read a book story, but the story you make up on the spot after some small event that in your story could be hugely life changing. Like I said, hardly normal. It could be a look, or a phone call, or a text, or a simple phrase someone says or you would like someone to say, or a shoe, a book, a song, a hairstyle, an off-hand comment, an animal, a sunset, a full-moon, a half-moon, a quarter-moon, a new moon, a rude person, an over friendly person, a strange noise, a pleasant noise, an awful smell, a bland smell... I really could go on. I love to make up stories about my life that could possibly happen even if they don't. Not all the stories I make up are happy, but they all keep me highly entertained. Most are happy and almost all have me triumphing or being on top. I can be the kind of person I want to be in these stories, witty, clever, sweet, tough, capable, confident, kind, desirable, sharp, lucky, skilled. I guess that's what I love so much about writing stories. I don't think I've finished a 10th of the stories I write, but I love to capture a perfect moment in time. I write my destiny and other people do what I want them to in my stories.
But, I do love real life, wouldn't it be boring if you knew what was going to happen and when? I still write my destiny, but I always am interested in how other people shape it.

Journals

I am horrible at keeping journals, the best I've done is the past five months in one journal. I was pretty consistent and now, I just don't really remember... Or I don't have much to write about. Same holds true with my blog here. Or, the things I want to write about are just too personal to post online but I'm so busy throughout the day that I forget to write them down before I pass out on my pillow. I try to keep myself busy because it keeps me from thinking. Luckily I've been pretty successful. I mostly just can't wait until I get back to BYU and out of Kingman. It will be so much better.

Easter

Renewal, rebirth, redemption, rejoicing, reliving, resurrection, remade, remembered, returned, reflection. All these I associate with Easter. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we like to focus more on the Atonement and Christ's Resurrection than on his death, which is why we don't wear crosses or have crosses on our churches. Our message is hope and love and second, third, fourth, and fortieth chances. Christ suffered for us, died, and lived again all that we might return to live with our Heavenly Father and be truly happy once more.

Nothing we can do is terrible that it cannot be washed away with the blood of the Lamb. No matter how far down the path we go, we can always turn back and climb upwards. The Lord has promised us this and He never breaks His promises. Who are we to question Him or deny His word? It is pride and foolishness that tell us we are the exceptions to His rules, that we are too broken for Him to fix us. If you put a limitation on yourself you put a limitation on the Lord's power. He has no limits on His power, there is NOTHING He cannot fix, and NO ONE He cannot save if they will turn to Him. We have to take that first step, but He will not leave us to walk alone, we will never walk alone.

I echo Elder Perry's sentiments that Jesus is the Christ. I know that the scriptures are true and they will lead us to true happiness. Test our words, read the Book of Mormon, pray to the Lord, what harm can it do? None, it can only bring great joy and happiness into your life as it has brought it into mine. The Lord loves you and is waiting for you to come unto Him and be perfected.

Radio Star

My youngest brother is ... how do I put it lightly ... AMAZING! He is incredibly talented and he just puts his head down and does what he wants. The latest amazing talent? Poetry reading, that's right, poetry reading and when he starts the whole audience is captivated by his voice. Don't believe me? Oh well, Believe you me! He has the deepest, richest bass voice I have ever heard, and it is even more awe-inspiring considering it comes from a 17 year old! He's been told several times he could be a radio announcer. It's soooo true!

I had to get a picture with him before he went on stage to win the hearts of the audience and judges for regional competition.

All the competitors for regionals and a highly talented group of you adults. The third from the left, the girl behind the announcer and the girl on the far end were the only ones to move on to the state competition. But, we heard from one judge that Alec was her favorite and he should have been the one going to state... The rules are a little bit more than powerful stage presence though, one slip up could cost you the title.

All the family, teachers, and friends who drove two hours just to hear my little brother recite poetry. And yes, he was awesome and better than one girl (who will remain unidentified) that moved on. But hey, sometimes failure is good. We have to learn we can't win all the time... Right? Next year bud, you'll be a national champ next year.

I Don't Even Know

Don't know what to call this, a ramble perhaps...
I have been through a hard time, I have, I know I'm not alone, there are many people who go through hard times, but... I have been through a hard time and I am still going through it. It's okay to admit that and acknowledge it.
The person who has helped me the most to go through this time? Maddie Lee. She has been my shoulder to cry on, my confidence when I had none, my comfort, my distraction from wanting to wallow, my dear, dear friend, my hope, my sister, my example, my voice of wisdom, and my constant supporter. When I am down and I want to stop fighting, she asks me why? and I realize that I don't want to quit fighting. When I am feeling like I am worth so little she shakes me and tells me I am worth so much. When I want to scream and yell she screams and yell right along with me. She has saved me and says she was only returning the favor.
Both of us have recently lost someone we love very much and have comforted each other and helped each other through it.
What are best friends for? Even if you haven't talked to them in a while. Best friends will always be there for you when you need them most.
Good luck on your mission you crazy awesome girl! I know you will be the best missionary you can be and you will give it your all. Look out Anchorage, Alaska mission!

In Whom Do You Trust

In whom do you trust? In whom do you trust? In whom do you trust? In whom do you trust? Any way you ask me that question I know my answer.

Unfair.

"Unfair!" cried the child who didn't quite know,
Why his dear loving mother would not let him go.
"I've done what you asked, sitting quiet and still.
I can't take any more learning, it's making me ill.
The others are playing out under the sun,
I want to play too, I want to have fun."

"Be patient my boy." said the wise gentle mother
Who remembered quite well being taught by another.
"The things that you learn will make you much stronger.
Just sit here and listen for a little while longer.
Others may play, but a lesson they lose,
They find they will need, when a choice they must chose."

"Unfair!" cried the girl at the grade on her test.
She was always more restless, half listening at best.
"I've done what you asked, haven't I satisfied you?
I've answered my best, why aren't all of these true?
I just cannot sit and study forever,
I have to run free, not tied by a tether!"

"Be patient dear child." said the fair and just teacher
Who'd taught many a child, some quite like this creature.
"You must learn to sit with patience and skill,
To listen to the words, and bend to the will,
Of those who have trod the path before you.
We know what is best and what you must do."

"Unfair!" Cried the youth at his parents' strict rules.
He could not understand why they seemed like such mules.
"I've done what you asked, right down to a tee.
So why must you always be picking on me.
Why don't you trust me to do what is right?
I know all I should, you treat me with spite."

"Be patient my boy." said the parents so sad.
They could see he was good, but part of him bad.
"We just want to help you and keep you from harm,
The things that you've done have cause us alarm.
We know what it's like, standing there in your shoes.
We just want to prepare you and teach you to choose."

"Unfair." Wept the woman who'd lost one she loved,
With pangs of deep sorrow crying to heav'n above.
"I've done what you asked, and helped all my brothers.
Couldn't you possibly, probably take someone other,
And give me back my loved one so dear.
Do you not see the pain sitting here in one tear?

"Be patient my child." Spoke the soft gentle voice,
The one that was wise, who helps guide our choice.
"I know that you hurt, for I've felt your sorrow.
I'll weep with you now and look forward to tomorrow.
Your pain will ease, and your burden grow lighter,
I'll be with you always, and help you grow brighter."

"Unfair." Never passed the lips of his face,
And yet he was the one being of pure grace.
"I've done what you've asked, my work here is done.
Now I can return to my Father as Son.
Mankind will sorrow, but taste of sweet joy.
If they will remember and my guidance employ.
We will be there beside them and show them the way,
So they may return to truly live some day.
Just listen my children, trust in your heart,
And my Spirit from you will never depart.
I'll help you through the choices you choose,
And with me by your side, you never can lose.

~Tegan Rachel

Promises

Broken promises hurt, both when I break them or others do. I don't like the feeling of having failed, or of being let down. But, I also know that I am human, and that others are human and I do not begrudge anyone their humanity. We all make mistakes and we all learn from them. Not everything is in our power. And that is the lesson that I have studiously been trying to not learn... and so God teaches me again and again.
But, here are a couple pictures of 2 promises that I know are true. And promises that will never be broken.

One: God and Christ love me. I will find it in my heart to love and be loved again, I do not know if the face will be familiar or new, but I will love again. Eventually, after I have healed enough. So I wear this ring as a promise to and reminder for myself.

Two: All of the promises in this book. We can find healing and true happiness in the arms of our Lord and through the guidance of the Holy Ghost if we will listen and be obedient. 

Three: The sun will always rise and bring a new day of promise. The sign before Christ's birth the day and the night were filled with light. Even when the American continent was covered in darkness the sun rose and set. After the dark night there always comes a dawn.

A Rose

If you know how to handle a rose, you can get away pretty well off. You can enjoy the beauty and sweet fragrance without having to grab the tweezers or band aids. If you don't, you will get hurt and maybe decide that a rose is better admired from a far. Dealing with the thorns can be time consuming as you carefully remove them so the rose is not so offensive, but in the end it is worth it.
     I have noticed the same is often true with people too. It just takes time and patience and knowing that while you may be poked by a thorn, the end of your efforts is very much worth the effort.

Healing

Everyone wants to be healed and whole and happy. It is the deepest human desire and one that is often challenged and pushed aside when aches and pains rear their heads. Sometimes we try to heal ourselves, and for the little hurts, it works, but sometimes it's like putting a band-aid on a broken heart. We can only do so much for ourselves before we are overwhelmed and turn to despair. We can try to bury it, but it will never truly leave us alone and affects us even when we are unaware. We cannot and should not go through this life alone. God put us in families and gave us the desire to be loved and needed for a reason. He also gave us the beautiful tool of prayer. When all else fails, He will not, He will not. It is we that distance ourselves from Him, He will never turn away from us, never tell us we don't matter, never deny us His outstretched arms, never betray us, never do anything that is not for our good, and never allow us to be given more than we can handle.
He gives us angels in our families and in our lives around us, people to hold us in their arms when we need it most. Counsel to help us through our darkest times. Eyes to see what was so crucial for us that we could not see. Ears to listen when we need to tell our deepest desires. Love to comfort us and let us know that we are not worthless or hopeless or wrong. No matter what we do we can be whole again, no matter what we experience or what others do to us, we can be whole.
But the Lord will never take away our agency. We have to want to be whole, we have to come to others, to open up our vulnerability and let others know that we are not perfect. Which is almost silly because no one, save Christ alone, is perfect. "Everybody's got stuff." Trusting others is hard and frightening, but the peace and healing that comes from it is worth everything. The Atonement is real, all our pains can be swallowed up and we can be whole. Truly completely whole. All we have to do is let Him in, open our hearts and lean on others. That's why we are here, to lean on each other, everybody needs somebody.

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one,     not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God’s will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness…We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as a way in which they should break, so be it.What I know about love and believe about love and giving ones heart began in this. - C. S. Lewis