Ffffffff facebook

I have deactivated my Facebook account. For a multitude of reasons but what pushed me over the edge (after discussing it at length with certain people.) is the new profile. I felt uncomfortable that Facebook was pushing me to tell more about myself and make the intimate details of my life common knowledge. It broad casted my hometown and my work. And when I went to deactivate it showed pictures of me with other people and said "these people will miss you."

What a pushy guilt tripping.... So I have deactivated my account and now intend to walk away from it all. I hate being pushed.

A Most Precious Gift

The most precious gifts I've ever received are not tangible possessions to hold onto. I cannot eat them, or trade them, or wear them. But they are gifts that shape my life, my soul, and my heart. They change my thinking, my perspective, and my dreams. Some times they are not noticeable, other times they are blatantly obvious.

All of my life I have been fearful, mistrustful, and closed off. Not many people know this because I hardly seem that way, and to a point I am not. I love to meet new people and make many friends, I love to share in conversations and discuss experiences I've had with people who've had similar ones. I love to have one on one talks about personal things. I love to be rambunctious, free spirited and wild, I love to say hello to random strangers and I believe that everyone is good until they do something to show me otherwise. All this is true.

And yet, there is underlying fear, suspicion, and blocked walls. They have been very hard for me to climb over and tear down because I have spent so long building them with such meticulous care. This year, however, that all changed. One person never pushed me to take down the walls, but I found myself telling him things I don't tell other people. I found myself being willing to trust him with more than I normally trust. I found myself bearing my soul to him and discovering that hadn't changed our friendship one bit. I found it easier to knock down the walls and show the most tender and scarred part of me, and I was never once pushed to do so. I found my fear disappearing with a simple hug, suspicion vanishing with a laugh, and the walls tumbling with cleansing tears. I found my steps becoming lighter and my soul floating.

It was as though I were a flower seeing the sun after a long cloudy winter. I had seen glimpses of the sun before and opened only to be touched with winter's icy chill, either by my own fault or the careless actions of others. So my outer petals grew harder and more protective, less willing to open. But, this time the sun stayed warm and winter did not brush my delicate inner petals. I allowed my plentiful colors to shine and everyone around me noticed the change.

I cannot tell you what this gift has meant to me. The giver of the gift has become the most important person in my life, the one I run to and share my dreams, whims, and ideas with. The one I trust my fears and my silly notions with. The one who makes me feel beautiful and special. The sun that illuminates the different colors on my petals.

This year I received the most precious gift and I will treasure it forever.

Reasons

Reasons I LOVE my brothers.

Kevin: "Man, my stomach hurt during soccer practice, I was so full from eating all those snacks after giving blood."

Mom: "You're only supposed to have A cookie, A!"

Kevin: "I had to make sure that I replenished all the iron and stuff, You don't want me to pass out do you?!"

Alec: "You should be careful about having too much iron in your blood."

Tegan :"Yeah, you can't get rid of it every month."

Alec: ...

Alec: "I was going to say you don't want Magneto to come after you."

10 Hours of Overflowing.

I don't generally go to 10 hours of church, ever.

But, I had to go to my parent's choir practice (10:00 am) because they asked me to accompany a piece for them. I don't mind, really, I like to share my talents. So, because my mom was giving the lesson in Sunday School (12:00 pm) I thought I would just stick around for their sacrament meeting (11:00am) as well.

Of course the testimonies shared were uplifting and deeply spiritual. Three young children got up and shared their testimonies about how the church was real and Heavenly Father loves them. From the mouth of babe.

Of course my mother's lesson was amazing, she's an amazing teacher. End o story.

After her lesson I went to the Young Single Adult's sacrament meeting (1:00pm). The testimonies shared in that ward we just as pure and uplifting as in my parent's ward. The only thing I did not love about the meeting was the heat. Ugh, it was hot.

After this I had the happy fortune to teach the same lesson (2:00pm) my mother did! Imagine that! The Sunday School lesson was on Ezekiel, shepherds and the temple. Both beautiful topics. Surprisingly enough Mom came to my lesson too!

The final block meeting (required meetings of which there are three) was Relief Society (3:00). My favorite, I love meeting with the Sister's in the ward and sharing of their sweet spirits. I had the privilege to sing for that meeting.

After the block meetings was mission prep (4:15pm - 4:40pm) taught by an amazing spiritual giant.

After mission prep you say? Break the Fast! (5:00pm) Where the food is delicious and I don't feel guilty eating as much as my shrunken stomach can handle.

And as you know there was the First Presidency Broadcast (6:00pm), which was spectacular even though I dozed a tiny bit.

And after the Broadcast I practiced (7:00pm) a song for a meeting in the future. I made it home at 8:30 pm, happy to be home but refreshed and renewed none the less.

I wouldn't recommend 10 hours every week, but at times it is quite pleasant.

One Person

It's amazing what meeting one person can do to change your life. And this summer and fall, I have met many people who have drastically altered the course of my life.

If you don't remember my feelings upon my arrival home in May please

visit --> here.

Needless to say my heart is no longer as snooty and hardened as it once was. In fact it is quite the opposite. Now looking at my inevitable departure from Kingman I find

my heart growing heavy.

There are truly beautiful souls that call Kingman Arizona home, or at least a place of residence. I have been privileged to mingle and befriend these souls and I find it hard to go. They have taught me so much, both knowingly and unwittingly. Mostly they taught me humility and love. I understand why Christ would give his life for them, I would too. Each and every one is precious to me.

While I am very grateful for the chance to return to school and continue to learn and forge ahead in life, I wish I didn't have to do so at the cost of seeing these faces I have come to love. Yes, I agree, technology is wonderful, but there is nothing so wonderful as face to face conversations. And soccer smack downs in the Rutherford gym. That's right suckas!

I will happily grow and continue forward, but know that my heart is held by the friends and best friends I have gained while living unexpectedly in Kingman.

Grenade

I have come to love the only two songs of Bruno Mars that I know.

Click here -->"Grenade"

And here -->"Just the Way You Are"

I don't know how but Bruno sees into my soul and speaks to my heart, but he does in a powerful way. Now all I'm waiting for is a song with the title

"I'm Sorry I Couldn't Love You Enough"

There is one thing I love more than any other thing on this earth. The Gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Should anyone try to come between me and that gospel, no matter how much I love them, that title to a song that does not exist yet will be what I tell them. I can't change people, only the spirit and themselves can do that. I can't force his eyes to see the perfect beauty and happiness and hope that spill from every ordinance, lesson, and talk to which I am witness. I can't feel for her the power of the love that sweeps over me when I communicate with my Savior and Father. I can't give him the surety I feel when I look toward the future in faith, knowing without a doubt, that I will be taken care of when I trust in my Lord. I can't explain to her the moment I discovered the truth of this gospel.

But I can share my testimony and encourage him to discover the truth for himself. I can never give up in encouragement and love, even if they think I can't love them enough. I do love them, I want to share with them the profound joy that I feel. I just can't let them come between me and the gospel.

Please help me remember this. Because there may be times when I forget.

Rampant....Things.....

Mostly rampant cheating. My family loves to cheat, but we only like to cheat if you catch us. Cheating is only fun when you get caught, of course, winning is always nice when you don't....

We think we inherited it from our mom, she loves to cheat so that people will laugh and tell her to straighten up. Derrick "cheats" by changing the rules. If the goal is to get the least amount of points, Derrick (who almost always loses terribly) will claim that having the most amount of points is really the way to win.

Also complaining, what would a competitive game be without complaining? This comes from my dad's side I think, because my Uncle Shade is about the best complainer I know.

Me, I like to cheat blatantly and made people laugh and laugh in turn. Kevin and Seth are about the worst cheaters in our family, they even plot out loud. They pretty much never win though. I guess it just goes to show "cheaters never prosper."

But, even more rampant than cheating and complaining is the laughter that burst out at the antics of family members in our scramble to win. Long live the laughter of the Gibelyou clan. Or Gobelyou's and all their little gibelets. (What my father calls us on Thanksgiving)

With the flip of a coin

Silly story that I am going to share anyway.

I was standing by the incredibly slow fax machine waiting for a confirmation that the piece of paper I sent had been properly digitized and arrived unscrambled at its destination. In my pocket I had a quarter, in my brain an idea.

"Heads, I like him; tails, we'll stay friends."

Three times in a row. and then...

With a different boy in mind.

"Heads, I like him; tails, just friends."

I think it's a sign. (I would.)

Seriously considering basing crucial life decisions on a quarter now. Ha ha.

Three Little Words

Three little words cause the world to go crazy and reason to fly out the window, at least for some. To reach a point in a relationship where you feel comfortable enough to tell your partner those words takes time and courage. And when that doesn't work out like you expected it too...

Watching my friend struggle breaks my heart, but for tonight I was rewarded in my efforts to make her escape for a couple hours into frivolity. While I can comfort and console, and be a shoulder to cry on, I find that my favorite role to play is a buoy and an escape. I could tell that she didn't want to talk or think about it, so I didn't. I made her laugh and guffaw with silly stories about my day, I made her pay attention to me and dance with me. Sing happy birthday to our friend with a French accent, and made her laugh with my and Anne's silly antics. (We "interpretively danced to Bruno Mars's "Just the Way You Are.")

I wish that I knew someway to make her laugh and pull her away from the pain without focusing on myself, but I am grateful that I could give even so small a gift as a few hours of reprieve. If ever your heart is broken and you want to get away, come see me and we will frolic in the lands of silliness. And I hope someday, when my heart is raw, that I can rely on you for the same thing. Isn't that what this life is all about?

Be Grateful

I'm grateful, but I need to work on showing how grateful I am more often.

It's true what they say about absence making the heart grow stronger. Being away from college makes me realize how unappreciative I was when I had it. Don't get me wrong, I love my little town and the people that live here, but, I find myself craving the educated minds that surrounded me in college. I am not saying the people here are dumb, not by any stretch of the imagination, but sometimes I like to have arguments about parabolas, and circuits, and proper names and English.

I'm grateful for college.

I'm grateful to have friends who respect me and are willing to protect me (oftentimes from myself). Who don't try to corrupt me.

I'm grateful for my family and the comraderie we have, especially when playing games together.

I'm grateful for my mother who is always trying to make herself and those around her better.

I'm grateful for my father who provides for them, and me, and wants the best for me.

I'm grateful for my adorable younger brothers who remind me every day how lucky I am to have them.

For honey and butter, mustard and ketchup, chicken nuggets and french fries, ice cream and chips, steak and potatoes, tomatoes and lettuce, cucumbers and pickles, cheese and bread, salt and pepper, pasta and sauce, ovens and fridges, mixers and pans, graters and knives, tables and chairs, plates and silverware, cakes and brownies, salsa! and chips.

For scriptures and family prayer. For the early mornings we have to wake up and read in voices that are just barely understandable. For a cat that headbutts me when she feels like I should be up and feeding her, (and who at the present time is telling me to eat less by kneading my stomach with her two front paws.)

For a car to drive to work. For a job. For coworkers who make me laugh and wish I could do more for them. For a fiery little old lady who employs me and walks faster than I can run. For institute where I learn more about the church and the gospel. For church where I feel more connected with my Heavenly Father. For the sacrament where I renew my covenants. For ward members who want to know what I'm doing with my life.

For the rain that has blessed this land for the last 3 weeks. For the clouds that mellow the sunlight. For my bathroom (which is the only bathroom in the house not undergoing some sort of renovations).

Catchin Up...

Soooo, yeah, I take so many pictures thinking, "I'll use this for blogging. Eventually." I could just do a billion posts, but I don't think I will, I'll just do one big one with lots of pictures. (Well, more pictures than I normally do.)

Rain in Kingman is a rare thing and a beautiful gift. I couldn't help from taking the photo to share with others the happy experience. It rained for a week, not heavy steady rain. It would rain light, for a long while, heavy for a minute and then stop for a few hours. Oh Kingman with all your quirks, we love you still.

"Tegan, come make some shoe pastry with me."

"Some what?"

"Shoe pastry for Kevin's birthday, he wants cream puffs." I was highly confused, what do shoes have to do with creams puffs?

Here's what:

Choux is pronounced shoe. Gotcha. We made some "shoe" pastry and it was delicious! I made the pudding and stuffed the little buggers while mom gobbed melted chocolate all over them.
The birthday boy and me. Happy 18th. Ack, yes, he is an adult!!!!

This adorable little puppy tried to run me down at midnight on Saturday night. I was driving home just as natural as can be when this dog runs straight for my car! I pulled over and discovered that he had no collar, and he hopped in my car like, "Okay, I'm ready to go, let's go."

I chuckled and drove to the neighbors where I saw the light on. Alas, he was not the sweet old lady's dog and she had never seen him before. No one in that neighborhood had. So I took him home and he spent the night in my room. Sunday morning I tried again to find his owner. No such luck. But an old man with an accent took him in because he had food and water that he kept for his other dogs. I was going to pick him up today to take him to the pound but the man didn't answer the door. Mom will try again tomorrow.

Evidence that appliances do hate me. My shower likes to race me out of the stall. Today it won.

a moment of vanity when I dressed myself and did my own hair.
I LOVE picnik.com.

What you don't know really can hurt you.

Momma Says

I got a new pair of jeans recently. Skinny jeans. I like them, my mother does not. She said they were tacky and that the general authorities have told us not to dress shabbily if we can avoid it.

Bing! Idea pops into my head and comes out on my jeans. What do you think? It was way more time consuming than I thought it would be. Took me about six movies to finish. I like them though.

The jeans with only six small holes

One hole up close.

I traced some flowers on an old pair of jeans

Then I had to stitch around the edges to keep them from fraying to badly

A different style of stitching.

The finished product. Ta-dah!

Motorcycle!

The motorcycle is a symbol of freedom, power, and living dangerously. Motorcycles are not as safe as "automobiles," they get into more accidents and have less protection than a car. They are more fuel efficient and have more accessibility than most cars. Police use motorbikes, so do gang members.

Why all these tidbits that you probably already know about bikes?

I want a motorcycle!

I've always been interested in motorcycles, thanks to my Uncle Dick who loves them, and old cars. They are beautiful and easy and powerful. I've always associated bikes with the freedom to go where you want when you want. They've been beautiful to me since I was a kid, and the helmets and leather jackets and chaps o so stylish!

One of these days, I will own a bike.

Orange or black?

So beautiful!

Decisions, Decisions

So many decisions.

My mom and I sat down and went over all the decisions I have available to me. After reviewing all of them, and discovering plenty more... I made a choice.

Come December 1st I will be submitting my papers for a mission.

Now, I just have to study like a missionary. My goal: read on lesson of Preach my Gospel every other day, not just read, study.

Table Talk

Monday night dinner. Who knew the entertainment it could provide?

Something to make this conversation more understandable. Our town has no Target, the closest Target is two hours away in Vegas.

"Can you pass the green beans?" Alec (my younger brother)

"I got these for you, they were on sale at Target." Me as I pass the green beans.

Dad, "When did you go to Target?"

Me, "..."

Me, mumbling "Most people just say thank you."

Mom, "Hahahaha!"

We have an older brother named Seth who is very straight faced and tight laced, but, he was not the topic of conversation between my mother, father, Kevin (another younger brother) and myself. Alec on the other hand...

"Hey, did you hear Ali's getting married?" Me.

"Yeah, and who is she getting married to?" My mother (trying to see if I know what she already knows).

"Seth (Last name left out)." Me. I'd like to note here that my mother smiled triumphantly because she already knew.

More conversation about how perfect Seth and Ali are for each other.

"Seth is such a hippie." Me.

"No he's not!" Alec, quite indignant I might add. And he would be right, our brother Seth is anything but a hippie. If only we were talking about Seth...

Dad, "He sits on the high counsel."

Kevin, "Okay."

Dad, "He gave a talk with his daughter that one week in church."

Me, "Wait, are we talking about the same person? Because the man who spoke with his daughter isn't sixty."

"What?" Dad.

"You said he is sixty on the high counsel. The man who spoke is not sixty!" Me.

"Yeah, but he is good looking." Mom.

"I said he sits on the high counsel." Dad.

"Oh." Me.

"I wasn't paying any attention to him." Kevin.

"Yeah, you were paying attention to his daughter." Dad. Kevin blushes.

Family night dinner. Isn't it about, misunderstandings you can laugh at?

Thanks, but Nooooo Thank you

(Random insertion that has nothing to do with this particular post: The other night I had a dream that a rude boy burped in my face. Fine, I can handle that, so I burped ten times better and it was a long drawn out burp... until he punched me in the throat. Jerk.)

Thank you, for trying to make my life better and ended my pitiful existence as a single girl. Thank you for trying to find mister wonderful and dumping him in my lap (shouldn't it be the other way around?) Thank you for deciding what I cannot decide for myself.

Recently everyone I know has been pushing for me to date a certain someone in my singles' group.

"Tegan, you know who you should ask on a date?"(No, but I bet you're gonna tell me) "Oh Tegan, you would be such a cute couple!"(O, you think so?) "Tegan, I know the perfect man for you!" (Really,... really) NO, you DON'T. You know one of the few eligible bachelors in Kingman. There are roughly 8. Yes, he is cute, yes, he is a nice guy, yes, we did go on a few dates a couple years back. NO I am not interested and NO I don't think he is the perfect man for me. THANK YOU very much.

And why do I have to be the one to do the asking? (You asked)

I'll tell you why, because he is too shy to ask me himself, or he tries to get me to do something and then never mentions it again, or his friend sets us up and he cancels at the last minute and his friend has to be the one to tell me. That is the kind of guys people want to set me up with. Seriously, phrase I hear constantly "he doesn't go on very many dates." or "He's a little shy around girls..." Then WHY for the love of salt and vinegar chips am I a good match for him? What does that say about ME?

I don't want to wear the pants in the relationship, thank you very much.

So, I know you are only trying to help me, but please, if I want to date someone that I see on a regular basis, I will do so. I've done it before. I know you love me and only want my best interest, but please, if I know him better than you do, do not try to set me up with him. Stop being a goey chocolate cookie, or this crevice in my arm, or an old sponge with hair on it. I love you, don't change that.

Thank you.

Sleep

I LOVE my sleep. What can I say more. Sleep is huh-mazing! I love dreaming and closing my eyes to be pulled into a world so similar and so different from my own.

Lately however my dreams have changed. I still love to dream, they have not turned me against dreaming. Where once my dreams were like a grade B sci fi movie, they are now akin to the dreams that take place in the movie "Inception." Don't get me wrong, there were no crazy aliens in my former dreams, but I could tell the difference between dream and reality as distinctly as red from blue. Now however, I sometimes think a moment of dream is a possible reality. For instance I once dreamed I had a fight with my mother, I awoke that morning feeling resentful toward her until I realized the ridiculousness of that notion.

I still love to dream, dreaming is a HUGE adventure for me. Where once I watched all the action from a distance, now I participate in the adventure myself. I love it.

Kinda Sad

I read a journal entry from one of the first days I had come home from Provo. Needless to say I did not appreciate being pulled away from P-town back to a podunk little town full of hill-billies. I couldn't understand why I was being pulled back here, to a place where culture curls up and dies. I didn't want to get to know the people who spent their time here, pathetic that anyone would spend their time here. I couldn't stand even being in the same room with some of the people. I deemed them uninteresting and probably unable to hold intelligent conversation.

I am ashamed to admit that these actually were the thoughts passing through my brain. My journal attests to it. How selfish and closed minded I had been. I needed to come back to Kingman so I could be cleansed of my proud and haughty attitude. It happened gradually. People I knew and enjoyed being around came back from college and I dropped my hostile attitude. I began to get to know the ones who were already here and found my judgments completely off base. I found my heart opening and shedding the layers of bitterness, and I learned more about my self in three weeks then I ever have my entire life.

I owe a lot of my growth to my extremely amazing friends and their loving examples to me. Their eagerness to meet and like everyone.

I owe a lot of my growth to the job I finally found after three weeks of searching. Selling Cutco has made me into a better person then ever before. I can now connect with people I've never met, I have learned a very important rule (never judge a person based on their appearances, for often, those who look like they can't are your best customers), I have learned what I am willing and unwilling to do, and I have learned many principles that apply to much, much more than selling kitchenware. As odd as this sounds, this job finally opened my eyes so I could see the life long dream I've always had.

I am incredibly grateful to the Lord for his wisdom in sending me back to my hometown to learn lessons that are not taught in college lectures. Humility being the first, and the greatest lesson I have learned and continue to learn this summer.

Livin On the EDGE

Actually, this post is probably more tame than you would think given the title. But I do live on the edge... The edge of Cutco Cutlery, finest in the world! I show Cutco, and I LOVE it! Many of you may remember that I was offered a job as an RV salesrep.

HA!

I couldn't do it.

Not only because I was on 100% commission (no, I didn't get 100% of the money off the sale), and I had very little to work with, and I was the ONLY young person (female too) on the whole lot, but because who the devil! wants to buy an RV??? I KNOW right?

So, now I work for Cutco. :) (insert enormous smiley face here) Selling ridiculously sharp, shiny, fantastic, strong, beautiful ka-nif-ees (knives phonetically). The best part is, I get paid just to do a demo! IIIII KNOW! That is the best part. :)

So yeah, I live on the edge!

Slippin and Flyin

Sometimes I find myself slippin.

I find my friends who live far away slippin through my hands and enjoyin simple things that I used to do with them. Which was fine when I was with them... but now?

I feel like my life is slippin out of control and spiralin... who knows where.

I feel my time slippin away.

I find myself slippin into obsession with minute details about inconsequential pieces of my life.

I find life movin on around me and slippin by. I sit on the bus of life and see people at stations that I would like to get off at, but I don't have the right ticket.

I find my self confidence slippin and pain and hurt slippin into my life.

I find my self wishing to slip into sleep, only to be disappointed as the beautiful dreams I once

had have slipped away, replaced by drab, frightening ones.

And it is in those moments that I realize how blessed I am that those things are slippin away. Cuz if they didn't, if those ropes didn't slip through my fingers, I would never have learned to fly.

If I held on fiercely to any of these ropes I wouldn't have the faith and push I need to fly.

If I held fiercely on to my friends in far away places I would miss the sparkling personalities here that need my example to fly too.

If I controlled every detail of my life, I wouldn't be where He needed me.

If I didn't learn to slow down and appreciate being

still

I couldn't see the profound peace that comes from it.

If I didn't focus on those details I would never have been able to appreciate the relief when I realized they just weren't that important.

If I didn't wish for the other stages of life I wouldn't have talked with others in those stages and looked back to realize I really like were I am. It's a time to grew and develop on my own.

If I hadn't lost my self confidence temporarily, I wouldn't have noticed others who needed to be built up more than I did. Sometimes losing self confidence isn't all bad.

If all I had was beautiful dreams, how could I appreciate them for the vibrancy and color, the details, and the happy contented feeling I wake up with?

Letting go of the rope that is slippin through your hands is sometimes the only way to fly.

Charity

For our family home evening this week our father shared a short but beautiful message with us, about Charity.

Whenever you are feeling lonely or hurt or afraid close your eyes and picture yourself in your favorite place. Now, picture the Savior sitting beside you. Can you feel his love for you? The feelings fade away as you picture your eldest brother sitting beside you don't they?

Charity is not a feeling or a thought, it is a state of being. When you have achieved this state, you can see others how the Savior sees them.

Short, simple, and powerful. Just like the rest of the gospel, that's the beauty of our religion.

Soul bearing

My mother does not enjoy blogging. She could almost see it as an online journal but, as she says people cannot tell the truth online. We present the side of ourselves that we want the world to see, we control how others see us.

Well, I will not lie, I hate revealing the deeper part of myself to others but I feel that I need to tonight.

I have never had a boyfriend. I've been on a few dates, once or twice a second date, I can count the boys on three fingers. Twice there has been a boy who would like to have had a stable relationship with me. I admit that I wanted one as well but I wasn't able to trust them. I don't easily trust people, especially when they like me. I hear very often that I am pretty and talented, and when I tell married people that I've never had a boyfriend, they ask if the boys are blind or stupid. I never had anyone like me in high school. False, one boy liked me in high school - he turned into a druggie, has been arrested multiple times and I'm fairly confident he dropped out of school...

I didn't realize it but I began to think there was something wrong with me. All of my friends had guys falling all over them. Every guy I'd ever liked was in love with my best friends. I was always the good friend that guys turned to for advice, never because they liked me. Or, if they did like me, they were to afraid to admit it because I was intimidating.

Cue my freshman year of college when the sweetest guy I've ever met asked me on a date and wanted to hangout with me. I connected instantly with him and I could see that he was most definitely interested in me. I was interested in him as well. I was fine with him liking me, until he told me. There is something inside of me that accepts being the best friend and never the girlfriend. But, when someone admits to liking me it scares me to death. What could he possibly see in me? There must be something wrong with him to make him like me. I had been through all that before and I told myself I was not going to be frightened off by his declaration. But, internally something shut off and I felt nothing toward him. It broke my heart and it wasn't until after I told him that I realized I had run away again.

I have a fierce desire to be loved, just like every other human being on the planet. I watch cute little love stories and cheer at the happy ending. I laugh and rejoice with my girls when they tell me about their dates and their happy romances. I look at boys and giggle when they look my way. I need that connection just like every other girl. But, I find myself ruining that connection out of fear and a past I thought I overcame.

I just hope that one day I will be able to overcome that. That I can find a man who will know and understand that it will be hard for me to trust and love him. But those who run from love are often those who need it most of all.

There you have it. The truth. Take it as you will.

Regimen

The day starts at five. (well, technically it starts at 00:00) The boys are up and getting ready for school and I can hear them in my bedroom. At six the family gets together to fortify ourselves against the day. Then begins the work.

Already today I have visited four stores, and filled out four applications. And I have practiced a hard song that I will be playing tonight that I received Sunday night. This may not sound like much but hey, it has taken me a while to begin it. Also it is only 12:00 pm. I still have many hours left in my day.

I will be honest. I missed the dirt and the slowly forming paradise that my mother is cultivating in the backyard. She's got a green thumb and a bucket of determination. That's what she says makes things grow in the desert.

Determination. Cuz the soil, well, isn't soil.

I can't count the years she has fought the desert to bring forth greenery. Our yard is a standing tribute to her work.

this tree was not this tall two years ago, it barely cleared the red strip.

It truly takes hard work to get these trees to grow.

earth boxes for keeping plants out of the clay

a danger lurks. Not really, that's my cat, she's worthless as a hunter.

a pretty little weed mom almost crushed with her foot.

The secret to success. Worm pop! and pee. That's right, get worms!

Kingman, Arizona, Land of...

Desert. On all sides, a town cradled by mountains and desert. Yet, there is a majestic beauty to the desert that has made me fall in love with this growing town. Oh Kingman, you tug at my heart strings.

Because of this.

The sunsets. The sunsets of Kingman Arizona are to die for. Golds, reds, pinks, purples and yellows paint the sky when the sun greets the day and when it leaves it. Even though this picture is beautiful it doesn't do the glorious sunsets of the desert justice.

Sigh, for the beauty of the earth, for the beauty of the skies. Lord of all to thee we raise, this our hymn of grateful praise. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

The only thing missing now, are the people I left in Provo, especially my dear roommate, Katherine Welch.

How Precious!...

Sunday I was sitting in church during sacrament meeting with Kelly (the second counselor's very precocious (yeah I did just use that word) three year old daughter) on my lap and one friend on either side. Trying to pay attention to the speakers amidst Kelly's chatter to us all in turn. She had just settled for a bit and gone quiet when all of us heard a faint whooshing noise. I froze and Katherine and Sam looked at each other and then we all burst into stifled laughter. Kelly was innocently oblivious and simply continued her coloring. I tried my hardest to control it but... I had just been on the receiving end of Kelly's fart, I think I'm allowed to laugh aloud as reverently as possible. Her father looked at us all and we were finally able to calm down. Oh, Kelly, dear, dear Kelly, thank you for your gift.

Awkward Situations

What is it that creates awkward situations? What makes us feel awkward? Perhaps it's a mixture of feelings.

When walking in on a couple being romantic with one another, why should we feel awkward? Perhaps because we are being forced to share the love they have for one another. Perhaps because that situation is a private one and when we walk in on it, it is no longer private.

When conversing, and there are pauses or we just simply feel awkward, why?

Perhaps there are awkward pauses where we simply don't want to open up to a stranger, or even a friend. For myself I feel awkward when I feel like the person I'm conversing with is pushing me for information about myself that I just don't want to give.

So why do you feel awkward?

When I Wake Up

Each morning my alarm is the radio, and this morning was a song. The song wasn't a very happy and I was tired. So I hit snoozzzzze. Five times. Each of the songs just weren't happy enough for me to start the day with. Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood was one of them. Finally, Fireflies by Owl City came on. That was a bright enough song to start my day.

(Song: Fireflies: Owl City)

I'll Walk With You

"If you don't walk like most people do, some people walk away from you, but I won't, I won't."

This song applies to everyone. If you are not cheerful when you walk, or you don't walk with swagger, or you sing while you walk, or you hum, or... the list goes on.

"If you don't talk like most people do, some people talk and laugh at you, but I won't, I won't."

Perhaps you have a head bursting with ideas, perhaps your self esteem is low so you brag about yourself, perhaps you have a lisp, perhaps you talk to random strangers, perhaps you are always happy when you talk, perhaps you just don't know how to connect with someone else, perhaps you are really blunt, perhaps...

"I'll walk with you I'll talk with you, that's how I'll show my love for you."

Truly, listening and walking with others is showing love and support.

"Jesus walked away from none, he gave his love to everyone so I will, I will. Jesus blessed all he could see then turned and said, come follow me. So I will, I will."

"I'll walk with you, I'll talk with you, that's how I'll show my love for you."

I can't say I'll succeed. But I will try. I want to show my love for you.

(song: Serenade - Schubert. I can't decide which I like better, let me know what you think.)

Mudlake Idaho

Most beautiful place on the face of this earth. I found my soul there and felt more connected with the Lord than I have in any other place. Part of it was the people I was there with and part of it was that I was cut off. By that I mean that I had little to no way to reach out to the world beyond through electronics. The internet cable was chewed, I had no cell phone service and the nearest town with places to shop was forty minutes away.

The family I stayed with was amazing beyond amazing. Here is their oldest child. Howard. He was two and he LOVED riding the four wheeler, hence the helmet on his head. He was sassy, adorable and the sweetest child I've ever met. He once pushed his dinner plate toward his father and said, "No, YOU eat it." Oh dear Howard.

Here are the kids with their father. An amazing man with an amazing wife. They were kind enough to let me stay with them while I was working and searching for a job. This was Memorial Day 2009. Such a good day. I ate way too many roasted marshmallows that day because James just kept roasting them and passing them around. He was an excellent roaster I might add. Mmm....

Here is Doc/Big Red, I named him but I couldn't decide which name I liked better, the horse I was to train for the duration of my stay. He was gentle horse that didn't really like to be away from his tiny circular corral. May I add that I love horses? They are beautiful creatures.

And here is their second child. Omi. Naomi. The cutest, sweetest, smartest little girl I've ever met. I taught her to wink, kind of, she winks both eyes but I taught her how. I love her laugh. She is lovable and full of love to give. She warmed up to me faster than Howard did. I remember her talking into the phone to no one on the other end but she was so happy to be doing what her mother did all the time. Oh children.

The people of Mudlake were much like the angels in heaven. Everyone was open and friendly with the intention of making everyone feel at home. From the first moment I joined them in Enrichment to the day I left I felt welcomed and cared about. I only wish my stay could have been longer. It was the closest to Zion I've ever been.

I've always loved small towns and Mudlake, Idaho reaffirmed the wisdom to my wish. I felt safe and alive in that small town. I hope I can live somewhere like it someday.

You could most definitely feel the love in that town. I imagine that Enoch's city was so successful because everyone loved each other and were concerned with their neighbor's lives and how they could make them better. I intend to live the rest of my life watching out for the other people I'm around.

(Song: Vanilla Twilight - Owl City)

Bahahahahahahahaha!

Hopefully I will be able to make you laugh........ if you don't laugh you must either a) be a robot and should probably get that checked out; b) not have the same sense of humor that I have (definitely get thatchecked out); c) be a relative ofScrooge (which means you should learn from his experience... don't make the ghosts come after you too)
In the HFAC (oh how I love the HFAC) at nine in the morning I said this exact phrase is shocked surprise,"Son of Mother!" The girl in the elevator, whom I noticed only after this outburst, stared at me for bit... Perhaps I shouldn't have said it but, there was a MONSTER in the elevator!!!!! Okay, it was made out of fabric,lightbulbs and paper mache. It is hideous!

I fully expected to be devoured by it when the girl exited a floor before I did. Luckily nothing happened any of the four times I passed by it.... creep. Click HERE to see a funny monster prank.

Today I signed up to help paint hat bills ( the part of the ball cap that shades the eyes). Blue. All was going well until I tipped over my cup of water (colored blue due to the many times I dipped my paintbrush) and spilled it on the yellow felt M's. I started hopping up and down and crying "Oh! Oh! Oh No! Oh!" and grabbing M's to stick on my arms out of reach of the blue wave descending upon it. Sadly not one was saved, even more sadly, no one noticed my frantic cries until it was too late. Saddest, they were not even a foot away from me! I felt horrible. But, we finished the hats! :) Yay us... Sorry about the M's Janet...

(Side note... Janet has one of the salon type hair dryers in her room. We put the hats in the chair and turned on the hair dryer machine. Janet, you're a genius!)

Have you ever done the trick where you bend over and pick up a chair? Your back has to be straight and you are basically trying to make yourself a table. Your legs must be directly under your hips and you should have your head touching the wall in front of you. Now extend your arms and pick up the chair with you have hitherforeto placed between yourself and the wall. Now, with chair in hand stand up. Do this in mixed company. (meaning males and females) So funny. Report back to me. If nothing happens out of the ordinary... don't tell anyone I told you to do it. Hopefully you get a few good laughs over it. HERE is what is supposed to happen.

After explaining the trick and why it works the way it works to one of my friends he said, "I have neither the hips nor the brawn." But what I thought he said was, "I have neither the hips nor the bra on." I just about died laughing and he had no idea why. Oh sir, you are so funny!

Imagine this: Two sympathetic pukers in a room together. One of them vomits.... can you imagine the rest? *Hint: Bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh. Too bad people can't be sympathetic snorters. (the "tehehehe*snort*" kind not the "line 'em up kind")

Fun trick: Wear a backpack (BAHAHAHA) just kidding the trick isn't over yet. Hunch over like a little old lady, bowl your legs, grasp an invisible cane in front of you and chase your friend down the sidewalk. Report back to me on the reactions you get. It works best if you yell, "Wait! Wait little girl (or boy)! I've got candy!"

Hopefully somewhere in this jumbled madness I call a blog post I have made you laugh. If not, remember it's not too late... You can still be saved. Consult with a professional now!

(Song: Inches and Falling - The Format)